|
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
Alan Partridge was No. 7 in the 100 Greatest TV Characters of all time, Channel 4 - 07/05/01 |
|
| |
| |
|
Click to Download |
Description |
Size |
|
Alan's sigh at the end of each episode (ahhhhhh!). |
9KB |
|
Alan's first fact of the day - "Crab sticks do not actually contain..."
Alan: And now it’s time for Alan’s ‘Fact of the Day’. Crabsticks do not actually contain any crab, and from 1993 manufacturers have been legally obliged to label them ‘crab-flavoured’ sticks. Another one of those same time tomorrow.
|
156KB |
|
Alan's imaginary conversation with Chris Rea about a barbecue.
Alan: “Alright Chris!”, “Hello Alan I didn’t know you’d moved in”, “Yeah, just moved in, last week. I’m having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”, “I’d love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”, “I’d rather you didn’t, it’s not that kind of area.” “Do you like Mini Kiev’s?”, “I love them! But my wife’s vegetarian”, “Doesn’t matter. She can have fish”, “No she won’t eat that either”, “Oh forget it!”. You people. |
191KB |
|
Alan describes a toilet with the word "Aqua", which is French for water.
Alan: Do you know what this bathroom says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It’s like being inside an enormous Fox’s Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus. |
94KB |
|
Alan calls Susan a cow.
Alan: Any messages?
Susan: Just the one. From Bill Oddie.
Alan: Did he leave a message?
Susan: No.
Alan: No, he never does. Right, well, I’m afraid, Susan, I’ve got some very bad news.
Susan: Oh?
Alan: I’m leaving you, you cow!
Alan: Sorry, bit of a joke there. Backfired.
|
135KB |
|
Alan asks for a pint of bitter - "I'll have a pint of bitter!"
Alan: I’ll have a pint of bitter. |
33KB |
|
Alan talks to Camp David.
Alan: Hello, Camp David!
Camp David: Well, hello, Alan!
Alan: And, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Camp David: Ooh, mince!
Alan: Mmm. Yes, indeed.
|
98KB |
|
Alan tells Tony Hayers how he changed the graffiti on his car.
Alan: …and it says Partridge, I can understand, but then it says ‘Cock’, and ‘Piss’.
Waiter: A table for two, sir?
Alan: Yes…no, sorry, you…
Tony Hayers: Yes, in the name of Hayers.
Waiter: If you’d like to follow me.
Alan: We managed to rectify it, though, because it now says, by adapting it, ‘Cook’ where it once said ‘Cock’, and it says ‘Pass’ now where it once said ‘Piss’, so it’s slightly less rude. |
185KB |
|
Alan tells Sophie that he has some graffiti on the side of his car (Rover 800).
Alan: The problem is I’ve got some rude daubings on the side of my car.
Sophie: Can you still drive the car?
Alan: Well, yeah, yeah, obviously. I mean that’s not… do you know what it says on the side of my car?
Sophie: Tosser?
Alan: No. Well, you’re in the right ballpark. No, it actually says ‘Cock’, ‘Piss’, ‘Partridge’. |
217KB |
|
Alan's idea for a film starring Malcolm McDowell, who is trapped in the future.
Alan: Lynn, message from Alan. Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch, Friday. Idea for film extravaganza. Plot, thus: Malcolm McDowell is trapped in the future. He’s being pursued by a cyberpunk from the past, played by Rutger Hauer. Erm, terrible idea. No one will watch that. I’ve not thought it through, Lynn. I’ll call you back.
|
262KB |
|
Alan asks for his fungal foot powder, and tells Lynn that his pillow looked like a Flapjack.
Alan: Good. Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it’s a lifesaver, you know. I’d effectively be disabled if it weren’t for these.
Lynn: I also rang all the companies on the product list you gave me. Foster’s Menswear said yes, if you get the second series, and you wear one garment a week on air. Monza said ‘no’ to a free caravan and ‘yes’ to a towbar.
Alan: I’ll take it. Dolphin Bathrooms?
Lynn: No, they said they didn’t do that sort of thing.
Alan: That’s rubbish. I know for a fact Martin Lewis got two power showers out of them. One for him and one for his brother-in-law. Right, dry skin cream. I’m having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning, my pillow looked like a flapjack.
|
365KB |
|
Alan describes a time when he was in the Peak District and ran over a fox, but he didn't quite kill it so had to back and finish it off with a jack.
Alan: I remember I hit a fox once. Yes, in the Peak District. I remember seeing the reflection in its eyes just before I hit it. It was too late, of course. But I didn’t kill it, that was the tragedy, I had to go back and finish him off with a jack.
|
111KB |
|
Alan's ideas for programmes pitched to Tony Hayers.
Alan: ‘Shoestring’, ‘Taggart’, ‘Spender’, ‘Bergerac’, ‘Morse’. What does that say to you about regional detective series’?
Tony: There’s too many of them?
Alan: That’s one way of looking at it. Another way of looking at it is, ‘people like them, let’s make some more of them’. A detective series based in Norwich called ‘Swallow’. Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it’s necessary. He’s not a criminal, but he will, perhaps, travel 80mph on the motorway if he, for example, he wants to get somewhere quickly…
Alan: Think about it. No-one had heard of Oxford before ‘Inspector Morse’. I mean, this will put Norwich on the map.
Tony: Why would I want to do that?
Alan: Yep, fair point. OK, right. ‘Alan Attack!’. Like the Cook Report, but with a more slapstick approach.
Tony: No.
Alan: ‘Arm Wrestling with Chas and Dave’.
Tony: I don’t think so.
Alan: Pity, because they were very keen on that one. Right, ah, now you’ll like this one. ‘Knowing M.E., Knowing You’. I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.E. sufferers about the condition. You know, we intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted, you know, give them a platform, you’ve got to keep the energy up, because…
Alan: You don’t like it?
Tony: No.
Alan: That’s alright, that’s OK. ‘Inner-City Sumo’.
Tony: What’s that?
Alan: We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies, and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground.
Tony: No, no it’s a bad idea.
Alan: Very cheap to make.
Tony: No.
Alan: Do it in a pub car park.
Tony: No.
Alan: If you don’t do it, Sky will.
Tony: Well I’ll live with that. Is that it?
Alan: Well, no, no. Cooking in prison.
Tony: Oh, no.
Alan: ‘A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons’.
Tony: What’s that?
Alan: Well, it’s just a title, I mean… erm, well, opening sequence, me, in Trafalgar Square, feeding the pigeons, going “Oh God!”
Tony: No, I’m sorry, no! Stop!
Alan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, erm, ‘Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank’.
Tony: No!
Alan: ‘Monkey tennis’? |
1102KB |
|
Alan tells Lynn that he has been working like a Japanese prisoner of war - a happy one.
Alan: Oh, very busy. I’ve been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. But a happy one. |
82KB |
|
Alan says that Lynn is a bit like Burt Reynolds - "Very reliable but shes got a moustache".
Alan: Lynn’s a good worker, but, I suppose she’s a bit like Bert Reynolds. Very reliable, but she’s got a moustache. |
57KB |
|
Alan calls the people that graffitied on his car, scum, sub-human scum.
Dave Clifton: And good morning to you, Mr. Alan Partridge, sir! And I heard your phone-in, and I liked your chat with the guy from Swaffham. Er, he was a wacky fella!
Alan: Yeah, yeah, he was. I... I actually think he was a bit simple.
Dave: Er, heard you laying into the criminals again there Alan. Vandals got to your car again?
Alan: ‘Fraid so, third time. Scum. Sub-human scum.
Dave: OK! It’s seven a.m., wakey wakey it’s the breakfast show. |
201KB |
|
Alan describes the size of a room by saying "You could swing a cat in here".
Estate Agent: Living room…
Alan: Oh I like this, yes. Certainly enough room to swing a cat in here, isn’t there?
EA: Swing a tiger in here, really!
Alan: You could, couldn’t you! Wouldn’t want to, though. Not unless it had been stunned. Even then it’s going to weigh the best part of a tonne. |
139KB |
|
Alan talks to Michael about the graffiti on his car whilst trying to understand the geordie accent.
Michael: Morning Mr. Partridge.
Alan: Yeah, Michael, I was just saying to Susan. Bit of a job for you. Unfortunately some vandals have sworn all over my car again.
Michael: Vandals, eh, Mr. Partridge? You know, it makes you wonder what it’s all about.
Alan: Aboot?
Michael: Aye. You know, vandals. You know, what is it all about?
Alan: Oh, about. Sorry, sometimes it’s difficult to understand the Geordie… people.
Michael: You know, what I reckon is, if they had themselves proper jobs, they wouldn’t be up to all this, you know, larking every night.
Alan: What?
Michael: What I’m saying is, like, if they had themselves proper jobs, you know, for them to go to, they wouldn’t do it. You know, a lot of them’s from broken homes.
Alan: I’m sorry, that was just a noise. All I got there was broken homes. And a broken home is not an excuse for evil. Look at you - do you go around drawing, I don’t know, peephole bras on the wall?
Michael: Aye, but it was different for me, like, cause, you know, I was in the army when I was seventeen.
Alan: Well there you go. They taught you a trade. Minor repairs.
Michael: Aye. That and killing.
Alan: Really?
Michael: Oh aye. I’ve seen some terrible things, mind.
Alan: What, like three men burning in a tank, going ‘uuurghhh’?
Michael: You wouldn’t want to know, Mr. Partridge.
Alan: I’ll be honest, I’m pretty curious. I mean, I’d basically like to understand man’s inhumanity to man… and then make a programme about it. Anyway, regarding the graffiti, if you could… kill that, then I’ll see you reet, me old fishy on a dishy.
Michael: I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll do, just like, a quick fix on it for now, and-
Alan: You’ve gone again!
|
827KB |
|
Alan says that the Cuban Cigar is "rolled on the thighs of a virgin".
Alan: Would you like a Cuban cigar, Tony?
Lynn: Yes please.
Alan: Rolled on the thighs of a virgin.
|
70KB |
|
|
|
 |
The creator of this website respects the rights that the certain organisations (within or assoicatied with the BBC) have to Alan Partridge, Knowing Me Knowing You, Coogan's Run, I'm Alan Partridge, Steve Coogan Live; and any other portayal of Alan Partridge or Steve Coogan related mentioned in this site. ©TalkBack Productions, ©Pozzitive Productions, ©BBC Worldwide Productions, ©Polygram Filmed Entertainment Limited. |
|
|
|
