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Alan Partridge was No. 7 in the 100 Greatest TV Characters of all time, Channel 4 - 07/05/01 |
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The bedroom scene where Alan says "Access to dixons!"
Alan: Let battle commence! Do you like me doing that? Shall I do it more quickly or shall I maintain the same speed?
Jill: That’s fine.
Alan: Right. Shall I move on to the other one? Oh, that’s lovely. That’s first class. That is superb. Ooh, there you go, it’s all happening! Jill I’m afraid I have no sheathes.
Jill: No what?
Alan: Sheathes, er, prophylactics, you know, rubber johnnies. Actually, being your age and everything there’s probably no need for them. I’m talking about the menopau – whoooo! Jill you know your onions! Do you mind if I talk? It helps me keep the… wolf from the door, so to speak. Jill, what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich town centre? I’ll be honest I’m dead against it. People forget that traders need access to Dixons! They do say it’ll help people in wheeeeelchairs…
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Alan's Romantic tribute to Jill - "Why do birds..."
Alan: This is a romantic tribute to a lovely lady over there with orange hair and a cigarette in her mouth. Why do birds suddenly appear - That’s too high - Every time… every time… time, you are near near? Just like me… just like me… they long to be… close to you… why do…why do… why do…no that’s not working. Well you get the general idea. Thank you. |
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Alan describes the owls as being on death row.
Alan: It looks a little like death row, doesn’t it? I’m sorry, Mr. Hawk. You’re pardon has been turned down. You have been found guilty of pre-meditated homicide of a mouse, and you’ll be hanged by the neck until dead. And don’t try to hover up so that the rope goes slack. Because they could do that, couldn’t they? If you tried to hang a hawk, they could always hover so the rope went slack. So, I suppose if you were going to execute a bird of prey the most human way would be death by firing squad. |
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Alan tells Susan about his fat back.
Susan: I need to watch my figure.
Alan: I’ll watch it for you! With my little binoculars – wooo! Mind you, I can’t talk; I’ve got a fat back.
Susan: What’s that?
Alan: It’s a build-up of fatty deposits just above the belt-line. It’s fairly well concealed in casual clothing, but you don’t want to see me in my underpants! |
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Alan denies sending a card to Sophie - "Either way it's incest!"
Susan: Erm, Alan? Did you send Sophie a Valentine’s card this morning?
Alan: Oh God, no, no. I’m old enough to be her father! Well her older brother. Either way it’s incest! |
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Alan puts Gaudete by Steeleye Span on the car stereo while he is with Jill.
Alan: Here, listen to this, it’ll blow your socks off.
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Alan asks for his sausages to be burnt to a crisp, so they can only be identified by their dental records.
Michael: Aye-aye, Mr. Partridge! Morning! Valentine’s Day today, eh? Love is in the air!
Alan: It’s Valentine’s Day today, and love is in the air?
Michael: Aye! Aye!
Alan: Oh! I’m getting the hang of this! Mind you, I have been here ten weeks.
Michael: So, are you having the full English breakfast?
Alan: Yes, please. Can I have my sausages burnt to a crisp, please? So that they can only be identified by reference to their dental records.
Michael: OK. Either that or their fingerprints, eh?
Alan: Can you fingerprint a sausage?
Michael: Yeah, well, I suppose technically you could, aye.
Alan: I suppose if I was a burglar and I wanted to avoid detection I could strap sausages to my fingers. Probably survive a couple of break-ins before they started to fall apart.
Michael: Aye. Maybe just have, like, a beefburger for your palm, you know?
Alan: No I think that’s a bit too far-fetched.
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Alan tells Lynn that he won't drive a Mini Metro.
Lynn: I picked up these brochures for the new Metro. It’s a lovely car. And if you do –
Alan: Lynn, I’m not driving a mini-Metro.
Lynn: But you do have to make substantial savings.
Alan: Lynn, I am not driving a mini-Metro.
Lynn: But if you do, you can keep Pear Tree Productions going with a skeleton staff of two, and –
Alan: There’s no point finishing the sentence, Lynn, because I am not driving a mini-Metro.
Lynn: But if you d –
Alan: Lynn! I’ll just speak over you.
Lynn: But –
Alan: No! Go on, try and finish the sentence and see what I do. Go on.
Lynn: With a skeleton staff of two –
Alan: I’m not driving a mini-Metro, I’m not driving a mini-Metro, I’m not driving a mini-Metro.
Lynn: No, no it’s different. It’s called a Rover Metro now.
Alan: They’ve rebadged it, you fool! |
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Alan says that there will be no telephone cluedo and then goes on to talk about Al Capone.
Alan: OK! There will be no telephone Cluedo today because of a threat of a court injunction from the makers of Cluedo. It’s 6:58am Ha ha ha ha. That kissing sound wasn’t someone kissing me, or kissing a cock, it’s simply – a cockerel I mean – it’s simply a way of saying it’s Valentine’s day, a day on which Mr. Al Capone ruined a romantic night out for many diners by massacring them. Died of syphilis, he did, so there is some justice. |
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Michael tells Alan about a time when he was in the Belize, but Alan doesn't want to listen.
Michael: Right, hey, it reminds me of this time, you know, we’d camouflaged ourselves up ‘cause we were doing jungle exercises, right, out in Belize, but…
Alan: Michael, can we talk about this in the morning?
Michael: Well, no, I won’t be on in the morning ‘cause I’m doin’ lates now, right, so I don’t come on until about two o’clock. So, you know…
Alan: Well, you know, ‘when de boot comes in’.
Michael: Oh.
Alan: Now, er, booger off.
Michael: Aye, OK. Message understood, sir!
Alan: Stand down, at ease… you’re not in the army anymore. |
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 The music that Alan puts on the car stereo, and sings along enthusiastically to Jill - called ‘Gaudete’ by Steeleye Span. |
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The creator of this website respects the rights that the certain organisations (within or assoicatied with the BBC) have to Alan Partridge, Knowing Me Knowing You, Coogan's Run, I'm Alan Partridge, Steve Coogan Live; and any other portayal of Alan Partridge or Steve Coogan related mentioned in this site. ©TalkBack Productions, ©Pozzitive Productions, ©BBC Worldwide Productions, ©Polygram Filmed Entertainment Limited. |
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