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Alan Partridge was No. 7 in the 100 Greatest TV Characters of all time, Channel 4 - 07/05/01 |
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Dave Clifton substitutes a "d" for a "t" which annoys Alan.
Alan: ’ello ‘ello ‘ello.
Dave: Yeah, I think you’re splitting hairs a little bit there, Alan –
Alan: Sorry, “splidding”?
Dave: Yeah, splitting, you know.
Alan: Sorry, it’s difficult to understand you when you say “splidding”, because I know in real life you say “splitting”. It’s interesting, the way you substitute a ‘d’ for a ‘t’ when you’re broadcasting. If you ask me, it’s the behaviour of a ‘dosser’.
Dave: A ‘dosser’?
Alan: Yes. A ‘dosser’ and a ‘dwad’.
Dave: Alan Partridge, there –
Alan: There’s others, aren’t there? There’s ‘didhead’, ‘dalendless shid’, and if the rumours are to be believed, you’re back on the ‘boddle’.
Dave: Er, this is ‘Einstein a Go-Go’.
Alan: ‘Gid’. That’s ‘git’. |
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Alan talks to Dave Clifton about cones.
Alan: That was The Police ‘Doo Doo Doo Daa Daa Daa’, their gibberish classic, and my tribute to Her Majesty’s police. It’s nearly seven o’clock. This is Dave Clifton.
Dave: Yes, indeed! Good morning, my name’s Dave Clifton, and there goes Alan Partridge, cone but not forgotten!
Dave: You off to see a film, like Cone-an the Barbarian?
Alan: Yeah, good one.
Dave: Then watch a bit of TV, eh? Like Cone Dancing?
Alan: Yeah. Not so good, but fine.
Dave: Oh, come on Alan. What’s the matter with you? Cone’t you take a joke?
Alan: Oh, fuck off.
Dave: Actually, I am speechless. Dave Clifton is actually speechless. I don’t believe you just said that.
Alan: You don’t sound it. I wish you were.
Dave: Well I am. Now, I really don’t know what to say. I find it really difficult to find a way –
Alan: Try saying nothing!
Dave: You and I both know that dead air is a crime, and I think it’s terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show.
Alan: Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong. It’s one minute past seven, it’s your show, you’re responsible for the output, I am technically a guest and you’ve failed to control me. Read the small print on your cone-tract.
Dave: From ‘Go West’ –
Alan: – Fanny –
Dave: This is ‘Call Me’. |
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Alans reflects on the traffic-cone incident and recalls the Rudyard Kipling poem.
Alan: Oh dear. Tonight I was that close – that close to being infamous. I don’t want to be infamous. I want to be… famous. Famous. Like the Rudyard Kipling poem, ‘If’. You know that? ‘If’ you do X, Y and Z, Bob’s your uncle. |
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Alan asks if anyone in the hotel wants to go on a walk with him.
Alan: I’m just going for a walk. The petrol station. Get some windscreen washer fluid. Anyone want to join me? Right. Breath of fresh air!? |
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Alan lap dances and talks about his cones - "you've got 6 points, I've got 2... points".
Alan: Would you like me to lap dance for you? Ooh, my peephole Pringle is modelled on an SAS balaclava. Sweet feet
Alan: Do you like my cones? They’re little ones, I got them from a cycling test centre.
Alan: I’ve got a clean licence. Yours is dirty! You’ve got six points, I’ve got two …points. |
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Alan is at a loose end and repeats the word "talking" while sitting in his car.
Alan: I’ll be honest, Lynn, I’m at a loose end, today. That’s why I’m, er… that’s why I’m, er… talking… talking… that’s why I’m talking….
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Alan tells the time in a slightly wacky way.
Alan: REO Speedwagon, and the time, for those who like to tell it in a slightly wacky way, is fifty to six. Or, if you’d like to develop the idea, seventy past four. Or even, er…
Alan: … bear with me… one thousand, two hundred and thirty to twelve. I’m joking of course, but the time is ten past five. |
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Alan describes Susan working on the Titanic.
Alan: Just stick to your smile. It’s a lovely smile. You know, you could work on the Titanic. You could say, “I’m terribly sorry, we’ve run out of lifejackets.” And people wouldn’t mind. They’d say, “thank you for the information, I’ll take my chances. Can I get a coffee?” Presumably the buffet’s a bit of a free-for-all. Does the rule about women and children first –
Susan: Alan, why don’t you go and talk to someone else?
Alan: See, I don’t mind that, you know. Because of the smile. |
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Alan is caught by the police while trying to be sick into a traffic cone.
Policeman: Yeah, we’re questioning one bloke. The other bloke… he seems to have disappeared. There’s a woman in the car. Out.
Policeman: So, let’s get this straight. Your wife was driving?
Alan: Yes.
Policeman: You felt a bit sick?
Alan: Mmm-hmm.
Policeman: So you asked for her to pull over so you can get a traffic cone to be sick into?
Alan: Yes.
Policeman: Why?
Alan: I didn’t want to be sick on the road. The cars might, you know, skid on it and crash.
Policeman: There was another fellow with you. Where’s he gone?
Alan: He ran off over there. He got scared and ran away. He was in the army and I think he saw people being blown up, all like that, and, erm…
Policeman: Do you want to know what I think? I think you’ve got a very vivid imagination.
Alan: I wasn’t trying to steal a traffic cone!
Policeman: I’m not saying you’re stealing it. I’ve not said that. Why are you saying that? Why are you saying steal?
Alan: Because to an innocent bystander, it could – may – look like traffic cone theft. And I am an innocent bystander, and to me it looks like traffic cone theft.
Policeman: But it’s not.
Alan: But it’s not.
Policeman: What’s your name?
Alan: Bill.
Policeman: Bill?
Alan: Caarr. Bill Carr.
Policeman: Where do you live, Bill? What’s your address?
Alan: King Road…King Road…
Policeman: Is there a number?
Alan: Ten! King Road in… Ipswich.
Policeman: Where are you going now?
Alan: I’m going to go home, and just probably go straight to bed and keep out of trouble.
Policeman: Good, good. We’ll let this go, but I don’t want to see you here again, alright?
Alan: OK, thank you
Alan: Right, go. Just drive away. Drive away normally.panicking.
Alan: Stop panicking! Start the engine.
Alan: Oh, you’ve set the alarm off! |
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Alan tells Lynn another idea for a programme (around the world with Alan Partridge) and says that hes been to B&Q for a bag of Tungsten tipped screws.
Alan: Hello, Lynn, message from Alan. Idea for a television programme based on Michael Palin’s ‘Pole To Pole’. Except I circumnavigate the globe only driving through countries where they drive on the left. And I do it in a lovely old Bullnose Morris. We could call it ‘Around The World With Alan Partridge In A Bullnose On The Left’. Oh, I’m sorry, Lynn. I think that is possibly the worst idea I have ever had.
Alan: I’m going nowhere, Lynn. Quite literally, I’m on the ring road. Third time round. I’ve just been into B&Q for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws. Never gonna use ‘em. Never gonna use ‘em. Meet me in the car park in half an hour, Lynn. |
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