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Alan Partridge was No. 7 in the 100 Greatest TV Characters of all time, Channel 4 - 07/05/01 |
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Alan says "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!"
Alan: Erm, this is Jed. He’s my…driver.
Jed: How do you do. And business partner.
Alan: Yeah.
Paul: Hello.
Alan: And we live together. We’re not gay. I’ve nothing against them, it’s just, as I see it, God created Adam and Eve. He didn’t create Adam and Steve. I’m kind of a homosceptic. |
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Alan does an interview with his biggest fan (Jed), and also tries to escape from his house - "Big spastic mentalist!"
Alan: Jed, I’ll level with you. I’m really scared. In fact, I think I’ll go.
Jed: No!
Alan: No, it’s OK. I’ll go.
Jed: No, stay! Don’t go!
Alan: Alright, alright, I’ll stay, I’ll stay. W-w-what do you want to do?
Jed: Let’s do an interview.
Alan: I think that’s a great idea.
Jed: Do you really?
Alan: I think it’s the best idea in the world.
Jed: Oh! Great, well you can be David Copperfield, and I’ll…
Jed: …be Alan Partridge! Ahaaaa!
Alan: Oh God!
Alan: Not my face! I’m doing a photo shoot for Vision Express!
Alan: I’ll give you a Chinese burn!
Jed: Argh! You bastard!
Alan: Urrrgh… I can’t breath… I can’t breath…
Jed: Look, Alan, I just want to be your friend, that’s all.
Alan: I’ll be your friend.
Jed: Oh, great. Will you come and see my brother-in-law next weekend?
Alan: I’d love to.
Jed: Bet you can’t guess where he lives.
Alan: Erm…
Jed: Go on, have a guess.
Alan: Er, Nottingham?
Jed: No.
Alan: Oh. Er… Chester?
Jed: Where?
Alan: Ches – Chester. Near north Wales off the M56.
Jed: No, Leeds!
Alan: Oh, Leeds.
Jed: Can you smell gas?
Alan: Er, I think that’s my breath. I ate a scotch egg. I thought it would have broken down by now but I think I’m slightly constipated. Surprising, really, considering the circumstances.
Jed: Sorry, Alan, I didn’t know. Are you alright?
Alan: Yeah.
Jed: So, we’re friends then?
Alan: Best friends.
Jed: Oh! In the whole world?
Alan: Pretty much, yeah!
Alan: Thank you.
Jed: Well, now you know where I live I hope you’ll not be a stranger.
Alan: Who… de… ver – str… no, won’t be… one…
Jed: There’ll always be a kettle on here.
Alan: Oh, great.
Jed: I’ll see you next week, then. We’ll have that pint.
Alan: Yip.
Jed: Go and see my brother.
Alan: No way you big spastic! You’re a mentalist!
Jed: Come back! I’ll rip your bloody head off! Come back! |
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Alan calls Susan a blonde bastard.
Alan: You blond bastard. From the future. |
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Alan says "There's more to Ireland den dis".
Alan: A good slogan for the tourist board – “Dere’s more to Oireland dan dis.” |
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Alan talks to the Irish programme makers about Ireland.
Alan: Now I must say I’m very grateful you’ve come over – big fans of all the Irish…stuff. Love your pop music, Enya, and the other one – ripped up the Pope, bald chap? And I think… that’s it.
Aidan: Well, there’s U2, of course.
Alan: Oh, well, yeah. Fantastic. ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn’t it? You wake up in the morning, you’ve got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you’ve got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think “Sunday, bloody Sunday!”.
Aidan: I really hate to do this to you, Alan, but it’s actually a song about –
Paul: Yeah, bloody Sunday is actually about a massacre in Derry in 1972.
Alan: A massacre? Ugh. I’m not playing that again.
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Jed Maxwell asks for Alan's autograph.
Alan: What’s your name?
Jed: Jed. Jed Maxwell.
Alan: Oh, Jed Maxwell. You’re no relation to Robert Maxwell?
Jed: No.
Alan: You’re not going to go all fat and steal my pension?
Jed: No.
Alan: Just a joke. |
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The keyboard which Alan uses for his afternoon continues playing songs after the time allowed.
Alan: Ahaaa!
Alan: Good afternoon, and w – sorry…
Alan: Sorry about that, a couple of gremlins in the system, there. Ghosts in the machine. Perhaps a metaphor for, er…. Good evening! |
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Alan says that the queen is dead, and then has to say that she isn't dead.
Alan: So, give me a call. Please! Seriously, though, do give me a call. It’s four-fifty a.m. The Queen is dead, long live the King Singers!
Alan: Now, we’ve had several calls during the last few hours concerning a humorous comment I made some time ago. Just to reassure you, the Queen is not dead. It was a humorous intro into a song which seems to have been taken a bit too literally by one or two listeners… and a newspaper. So, just to repeat, Queen Elizabeth the second is not dead… unless she went in the night and is yet to be discovered by the maid. Just coming up to seven o’clock. Gadzooks! It’s the noble Sir David Clifton of radioshire! |
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Alan asks the Irish programme makers whether they have seen the film "The Crying Game".
Alan: Have you seen the film ‘The Crying Game’?
Paul: Yes, I saw it.
Alan: Yeah. The woman with the old, er, tadger. I suppose the sequel will have a man with a… a fanny! |
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Alan day dreams and then says "Your sexy", which Dave Clifton hears.
Dave: Right! Get dialling if you want to try and cross the Clifton Suspension quiz, the prize money has soared to an incredible eleven thousand pounds. So, just to remind you of…
Alan: Sexy…
Alan: Er, sorry…
Dave: Yes, I didn’t know you cared, Alan!
Dave: That was OAP, Old Alan Partridge.
Alan: I’m not old! I’m forty-three, you cheeky git.
Dave: And this is ‘Blue Oyster Cult’ from the album ‘Agents Of Fortune’.
Alan: The chances of anything coming from Mars / Are a million to one.
Michael: Morning –
Alan: But still they come.
Michael: Morning, Mr. Partridge. Hey, ‘War Of The Worlds’.
Alan: Wild woods?
Michael: No, ‘War Of The Worlds’. I’m playing guess the tune.
Alan: Oh, ‘War Of The Worlds’, that’s right, yes.
Michael: So, what do you reckon? ‘3pm, An Afternoon With Alan Partridge, with Special Celebrity Guest Star Sue Cook’.
Alan: Yeah, can you just put ‘plus Sue Cook’? |
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The creator of this website respects the rights that the certain organisations (within or assoicatied with the BBC) have to Alan Partridge, Knowing Me Knowing You, Coogan's Run, I'm Alan Partridge, Steve Coogan Live; and any other portayal of Alan Partridge or Steve Coogan related mentioned in this site. ©TalkBack Productions, ©Pozzitive Productions, ©BBC Worldwide Productions, ©Polygram Filmed Entertainment Limited. |
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