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Alan's new Bang & Olufson system and his conversation with Ben about bands - "What's your favourite Beatles album?... I think I'd have to say, The Best Of The Beatles".
Alan:  Er… Susan, will you go out with me?
Susan:  No.
Alan:  Would you go out with me if I was younger and more attractive?
Susan:  Erm, yes, I think I probably would.
Alan:  I better go and build that time-travel gymnasium, then. I’ll come back aged twenty-five, built like a brick shit-house! Then you’ll kiss me.
Susan:  If you’ll excuse me a moment, Alan, I have to leave the desk unattended.
Michael:  There you go, Mr. Partridge, I’m going to have to make two trips, man, I keep dropping bits of it.
Michael:  Right, I’ll bring you down the bits and pieces.
Alan:  OK.
Ben:  Bang & Olufson? Wow, that’s serious, man. Whose is it?
Alan:  It’s mine.
Ben:  I didn’t know you were into music. I know you’re a DJ, but I’ve heard your show.
Alan:  Oh, yeah. I like all the bands. I’ve got a broad taste, you know. From the britpop bands like UB40, Def Leppard, right back to classic rock, like Wings.
Ben:  Who’s Wings?
Alan:  They’re only the band the Beatles could have been.
Ben:  I love the Beatles.
Alan:  Yeah, so do I.
Ben:  What’s your favourite Beatles album, then?
Alan:  Tough one. I think I’d have to say ‘The Best of the Beatles’.
Ben:  Gum?
Alan:  Yeah, cheers. So, who’s your favourite singer, then?
Ben:  Oh, anything, really, you know. Frank Sinatra, Kurt Cobain.
Alan:  Who’s he?
Ben:  Nirvana. Blew his head off with a gun?
Alan:  Why?
Ben:  He was depressed.
Alan:  Why, were they not very good?
Ben:  No, they were great.
Alan:  Oh. Someone should’ve told him!
Mike:  Hello again! Ooh, what’s that?
Alan:  Bang & Olufson.
Alan:  Ben, can you take this up to my room?
Ben:  Yeah, sure. No problem
Mike:  Hold the door for you.
Alan:  Thank you.
Mike:  Hold tight!
Alan:  Yeah.
Mike:  Nearly there!
Alan:  Unbelievable.

The closing scene to the I'm Alan Partridge series where all the staff at the hotel are invited into Alan's room.
Alan:  What’s this, Lynn?
Lynn:  It’s the theme tune from ‘Black Beauty’.
Alan:  It’s brilliant!
Alan:  Hello? Ah, Michael!
Michael:  Aye-aye, Mr. Partridge!
Alan:  Do you want me to take that?
Michael:  Er, no, I’ve had a fair bit already. I’ll stick with it, man.
Alan:  That’s fine, but it does preclude you from the alcohol that I’ve provided.
Michael:  Oh, you’re alright. I’m alright with the Scrumpy!
Alan:  Right.
Alan:  That’s a nice shirt.
Michael:  Aye, I got married in this. Do you like it? I got it from Manilla.
Alan:  I didn’t know you were married.
Michael:  Aye. I married a Phillipino lassie, like. It didn’t work out. She didn’t like Newcastle and she didn’t fit in with the culture.
Alan:  Right, so she’s gone back home?
Michael:  No, she moved to Sunderland. She’s shacked up with my brother.
Alan:  Oh, right.
Lynn:  Michael, would you like a miniature scotch egg?
Michael:  Oh, not for me, pet, I’ve got myself a steak and kidney pie. Oh, look at that, I’ve sat on the bastard, would you believe it.
Alan:  Would you keep an eye on him?
Lynn:  Yes.
Alan:  Thank God for that.
Michael:  Aye-aye.
Mike:  Hello!
Alan:  Ah! Come in!
Mike:  Thank you very much, thank you.
Alan:  Would you like a glass of wine?
Mike:  Oh, thank you very much. Cheers! Thank you.
Alan:  What’s he doing here?
Lynn:  You said invite a guest.
Alan:  Lynn, that’s just a phrase, I didn’t mean it.
Mike:  Nice room.
Michael:  So, er, who are you?
Mike:  Oh, Mike Sampson.
Mike:  Nice to meet you.
Michael:  Oh, hey, I’m Michael an’ all!
Mike:  Oh!
Michael:  So, have you got a job?
Mike:  Oh, yes, yes. I supply fitted kitchens.
Michael:  Oh, aye?
Mike:  The funny thing is, that I’ve been in the business for fifteen years, but I can’t actually cook!
Mike:  You see a cookery book here, it wouldn’t be much use to me!
Michael:  Mr. Partridge, he said he sells kitchens, right, for fifteen year’, but he cannot cook!
Alan:  I know, I heard him, yeah.
Michael:  Then, right, he sees the cook book, and he says “that’d be no good to me, that, would it?”
Alan:  I know, I heard him.
Michael:  Ah, come on, lighten up, you stuffy get.
Alan:  Lynn, this is terrible. This is terrible.
Alan:  Oh good, great.
Alan:  Oh, the cavalry! Come on in! Great, come in. Look at the sign, there, it says “Thank You Staff, and Goodbye”.
Alan:  It’s all happening now. This is Michael, he sells kitchens.
Mike:  Yes, I was just saying to the others, I sell kitchens but I can’t actually cook myself!
Michael:  Right, and then he spies that cook book, right, and he says “that’d be no use to me, man!” He’s crackers, man.
Ben:  So, Mike, where do you live?
Mike:  I come from Acton, in west London.
Sophie:  Is it nice?
Mike:  Yes, it’s quite nice… few too many blacks.
Alan:  If you don’t mind, it’s just some people found what you said a bit racist.
Mike:  Mmm.
Alan:  Party bag?
Mike:  Ooh, thank you very much. Bye bye.
Alan:  Watch the fire hose!
Alan:  Extraordinary. So, what do people think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city-centre?
Michael:  Eh – aye, I reckon it’s a really good idea, like.
Alan:  Mmm. You’re wrong…
Michael:  Oh, man, what about mothers with pushchairs and little bairns and that, you know?
Alan:  Oh, Michael, you’ve got a lot to learn.
Michael:  No, man, look, it’s you who’s got a lot to learn, right, because folks should be giving up their cars –
Susan:  Michael, Michael! Mr. Partridge is still a guest in this hotel. Now I think perhaps you’ve had just a little bit too much to drink, and maybe it’s time that you should leave.
Michael:  Oh, well if that’s how you all feel.
Susan:  Now, you two can stop giggling.
Alan:  Dunno what her problem is!
Susan:  I’ll tell you what my problem is! Having to listen to your crap for the last six months! You’ve been in this hotel for a hundred and eighty-two days, you little shit!
Susan:  Ben and Sophie I want you on reception! And you! Check out is twelve noon tomorrow!
Alan:  Do you want one of these?
Susan:  A sanitary bag!? What are you trying to say!?
Alan:  I think that went quite well. Shall we clear up? I fancy an early night.
Lynn:  Shall I put ‘Black Beauty’ on again?
Alan:  Yes, we can clear up while we listen to ‘Black Beauty’.

Alan says that throwing water into a fat fire will take your face off.
Alan:  My own tip is ‘never throw water on a fat fire’, it’ll take your face off.

Alan says "fire, fire, the fayre's on fire!"
Alan: Fire! Fire! The fayre’s on fire!