Knowing Me, Knowing You: Radio Show 3
Music: "Knowing Me, Knowing You, there is nothing we can do...knowing me, knowing you...".
Alan:
Ahaaaa! {applause}Welcome. Ahaa, or should I say Yee-haa!, because I, Alan Partridge, am broadcasting live from Las Vegas, US of A, stateside. I promise you tonight we'll have a real half-pound cheeseburger of a, of a show for you. And it's a cheesburger that contains lots of meaty chat, a salad of wit and a, a flap of amusing cheese, all held together by my sauce of to-mah-to ketchup, or you here in the States, to-may-to catsup {under his breath} that's what you say.
Now, for those of you listening beneath the Star-Spangled Banner who haven't heard of me, I'm a sort of an English Johnny Carson and uh, for those of you listening beneath the Union Jack, I'm Alan Partridge.
Now, tonight for various reasons, my producer and American co-producers here in Vegas thought it would be a good idea if I had an American co-host, and that's great, it's a good idea, I agree with it. So to that end, please welcome my co-host, or should I say hostess - perhaps I shouldn't say hostess, because that in England is a whore, and she's, she's not a whore, she's not a whore, nevertheless, she's the sort of woman you wouldn't mind paying cash to be with, because she's so beautiful and lovely. Please welcome supermodel Kendall Ball.
Applause and music: (any ideas?)
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, right, right, okay, right, shh, shh. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you Kendall Ball, aha.
Kendall:
Aha. Hi everybody, how ya doin'? {applause - cat calling}. It's great to be in Vegas, OK.
Alan:
Yeah, right, right, fantastic, er, Kendall it's swell or, er, in English, great to have you on, great to have you on my show.
Kendall:
Well, it's great to be on the show, Alan
Alan:
My show. Now, now, in case anyone listening doesn't know who you are or what you look like, I'll describe you to the listeners. Now, she's very beautiful, she's very tall...
Kendall:
No, please Alan, I, I have these sticking out ears that look like Prince Charles, I...
Alan:
Oh, come on, you don't look like Prince Charles.
Kendall:
Well, I hate them.
Alan:
His Royal Highness isn't, someone who I, I, share ..., and I, ah, agree with a lot of what he says, but he's a deeply ugly man. You've got a lovely, you've got a lovely beauty spot there...
Kendall:
Well, this a mole Alan.
Alan:
I, I, don't like you using that word, it's not a mole...
Kendall:
It is, I had it removed...
Alan:
It's..no, come on, it's not a bit fat mole with a tuft of wiry hair growing in it, it's...you know, to describe you basically, er, wh-what you're wearing, you look like a million dollars, your legs go right up to your armpits, uh, not literally that would be hideous, um, but er, so remember, remember please to listen to me and look at her. Don't get it the other way around, please, that will be, that will be awful, OK.
Our first guests are a married couple. In fact, they're one of Hollywood's star couples.
Kendall:
She is the daughter of legendary star Maimee Langland and sister of the equally legendary star Lara Langland, and of course as a superlative singing star in her own right.
Alan:
And he is a British actor, gentleman star, who first twinkled his bright talent in the Hollywood galaxy forty years ago when he starred in the film Little Lord Fauntleroy.
Kendall:
So please give a glittering reception to Sally...
Alan:
I say that. Sally Hoff and Conrad Knight!
Applause and Music: "Thank you for the music"
Alan:
Oh dear. Knowing me, Alan Partridge
Kendall:
Knowing me, Kendall Ball
Alan:
Knowing us, Alan Partridge and Kendall Ball, knowing you Sally Hoff and husband Conrad Knight, aha.
Sally:
Aha
Conrad:
Aha
Alan:
Now, if I can start with you, Sally
Sally:
Hi
Alan:
Lovely Sally
Sally:
Hello Alan. Hello Kendall
Kendall:
Oh it's lovely to meet you, Sally
Sally:
Thank you
Kendall:
I've admired your work for many years
Sally:
Oh, Kendall, that is such a lovely...
Alan:
Right, lovely, lovely, shh, shh
Conrad:
Isn't Sally terrific?
Alan:
Yes, she's lovely. Sally, you are the daughter of the legendary Maimee Langland.
Sally:
That's right
Alan:
Er, sister of the legendary Lara Langland
Sally:
Uh-huh
Alan:
Now, she is so busy, isn't she? She's...
Sally:
She's wonderfully busy. I'm very proud of Lara...
Alan:
Hectic schedule. She's certainly...I know for a fact she's working tonight. Um, as is Collie Simon, Liza Minelli, Barbra Streisand, all working tonight, um, but you are available, that's important. You're here. What was it like growing up in a famous family? Must have been marvellous.
Sally:
Alan, it was magical. I had a fairytale childhood
Alan:
With your mother Maimee Langland. I love those films she made.
Sally:
Oh, I'm so happy...
Kendall:
Sally, tell us about your mother's alcoholism
Alan:
Oh come on, we want a sole living memory of...her mother was a fine, wonderful, musical actress. I don't want to think of her mother as some drunken woman wandering around Sunset Boulevard in her bare feet with mascara running down her face, directing traffic, holding a bottle of gin in her hand. I want to think of her sitting on a haystack and singing "Hopscotch girl" in a pink dress.
Sally:
Well, yes, it was a private problem. I've written a book about it, that's all there is to say.
Alan:
Conrad, you published your autobiography, um, "Agent in LA".
Conrad:
"A Gent in LA"
Alan:
Published in, published in 1979, which had very bad reviews. There was a particular babble in "Spy Magazine". It simply changed one of the words in the title of your book, th-they changed the first two letters of the word "gent"...
Conrad:
Yes
Alan:
...and left the last two...
Conrad:
Yes
Alan:
...so it was "A Something in LA"
Conrad:
Yes
Alan:
Right
Conrad:
And I, I immediately sued "Spy Magazine"
Alan:
Hmm
Sally:
Sadly he lost the case
Alan:
Hmm. In fact you set a legal precedent, because you're one of the few people who could now be referred to in print as that thing, without fear of litigation.
Conrad:
Yes, that's absolutely right, Alan. But no other medium. Just print.
Alan:
Just print. So, er, I couldn't call you that?
Conrad:
No, but you could fax me.
Alan:
Right. Or I could scribble it on a piece of paper and hold it up to your face.
Conrad:
That would be perfectly legal, yes. And people do do that.
Kendall:
Conrad, could I ask you about the McCarthy era? Um, this was a very sticky patch in your career. I wonder if you could eliminate it for us.
Conrad:
Oh, I wouldn't say it was a sticky patch - it was a time when one had to stick to one's principles and I did. It was...
Alan:
...because at the time you're under a lot of pressure, as were many people, and you were called before the House Commitee of un-American Activities...
Conrad:
Yes I was
Alan:
...before Senator Joseph McCarthy. Very intimidating man...
Conrad:
He certainly was
Alan:
...and I remember what he said. He asked you. He said, "Will you name any people who you knew to be members of the Communist party?", and you said...
Conrad:
Humphrey Bogart. Charles Chaplin. Arthur Miller, John Huston...
Alan:
Fantastic. Fantastic. Well done. Well done. Charlie Chaplin especially. I've always, I've heard about him being a Communist, and er, whenever I watch those films like "Goldrush", you know, and see him walking along, that walk seems sinister, somehow.
Conrad:
Yes.
Alan:
The walk seems to be saying, "Be a Communist". You did the series of dinosaur films, didn't you?
Conrad:
Yes
Alan:
Now, they were rubbish.
Conrad:
Well, Alan, one of them won an Oscar.
Alan:
Yeah. Best use of an animated dinosaur
Conrad:
Well, I've done better work of course.
Alan:
But have you?
Conrad:
Well, I have my business interests.
Alan:
Would you want to tell us about those? Wh-what are your business interests?
Conrad:
Conrad Knight socks.
Alan:
Wh-wh-wh-what's that?
Sally:
They're very distinctive socks...
Conrad:
Conrad Knight socks.
Sally:
They have a special kind of crest, it's, it's Conrad's historical family crest, which I designed myself, um...
Conrad:
Conrad Knight socks.
Alan:
Hang on a second. You're advertising.
Conrad:
Conrad Knight socks.
Alan:
Alright. Put a Conrad Knight sock in it.
Conrad:
Conrad...
Alan:
Shut up! Now, 1991 was an annus horibilis for you two, wasn't it? Conrad, you had a MASSIVE heart attack.
Kendall:
Sally, that was a terrible year for you as well. You had a total nervous breakdown
Sally:
Er-hmm
Alan:
Your nerves collapsed completely, didn't they?
Kendall:
How did you cope?
Sally:
Kendall, it was very tough. The important thing is that what we experieced then was a tremendous outpouring of love and emotion, from friends and fans
Kendall:
Yeah. Beautiful. I have a letter here. May I read this letter?
Alan:
Please do read the letter. Is it long?
Kendall:
Very, very brief...
Alan:
Good
Kendall:
...and very beautiful. It's a letter that was from a little old lady from Massachusetts, specifically about Conrad's illness and it simply says this. It says: "Dear Conrad and Sally, I have heard that Conrad is very ill. I do not know either of you, but I know your work {starts sobbing} and I value you. I feel as though I love you both. I have..." - I'm sorry - "...very little left to live for and if you die, I will have nothing to...Please Conrad, don't die!". {complete emotional breakdown} and it's just, I'm sorry, it's just, it's a very beautiful letter, and it's the kind of...
Conrad:
And I wrote back to her and I wrote: "Dear old lady, Thank you for your terrific and moving letter and we love you. Please don't die". And I enclosed with the letter a pair of Conrad Knight socks to cheer her up.
Kendall:
It was a lovely gesture
Alan:
{also slightly swept with emotion} Did, did she write back?
Conrad:
No. She died.
Alan:
{sobbing} Wh-why-y-y? Why do people have to die?
Kendall:
{Alan sobbing throughout} The important thing is, it's a wonderful thing, um, um, I think we should wind it up here...
Alan:
{Still sobbing} No, no, no. This is...you're listening to Alan Partridge. This is a beautiful moment of emotional outpouring. This is a Trans-Atlantic sea of tears that you're hearing now on Radio Four...um..right...{regains composure}..uh, over to you Kendall.
Kendall:
Um, I believe you two have a little surprise for Alan.
Sally:
We do, Kendall, um, we'd like to sing a little song for you.
Kendall:
Aww
Alan:
Ooh, well, thank you
Conrad:
Um, more of a surprise Alan, you're going to sing with us.
Kendall:
Ooh, yeah
Alan:
Oh, I can't sing
Audience applaud uproariously. The others speak words of encouragement
Alan:
Oh, OK
Music starts
Sally:
I know you better than I know myself - Thank you, very kind - oh, so much better than I know myself.
Conrad:
She does, you know
Sally:
I know the tricks you play
Conrad:
What tricks?
Sally:
I've seen them everyday. No wonder I'm bored
Conrad:
Bored?
Sally:
No wonder I'm mad
Conrad:
Conrad Knight socks.
Sally:
No wonder I'm crazy over you
Kendall:
Woo-hoo-hoo! Welcome to Vegas!
Audience:
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Alan:
I'm at home in Vegas. - you're putting me off - {"what a guy"} You can bet - oh yeah, you bet - on Vegas, the only town to move me to...{"He's terrific"}. I have seen the best. North, south, east to west. From Shanghai to Timbuktu. O..o..o..
Alan and Sally:
Oh, we're at home in Vegas {"yes"}
Alan:
And I'm at home in Vegas too. Thanks for being on Knowing Me and Knowing You.
Standing ovation (how can we be sure they're standing? - Ed.). Walking off music
Alan and Kendall:
Thank you
Kendall:
Now, would you all...
Alan:
Woah-whoah-whoah-whoah-whoah. I start. Knock-knock!
Audience:
Who's there?
Alan:
Alan
Audience:
Alan who?
Alan:
Alan Partridge. Now, you probably guessed I'm not a comedian.
Kendall:
But our second guest most definitely is. Now, he learnt his comedy skills in the Catskills. He's got belly laughs in the borsch belt, and everytime he comes to Las Vegas, he's a surefire comedy winner. He...
Alan:
Twice...twice this week, I've shouted "Book him!". Once, when I was commentating on a football, or soccer match as you say and Stuart Pierce committed a particularly nasty foul, and I shouted "Book him!". The second time, was when I was having a meal last night in the hotel carvery and I saw a very talented New York Jewish comedian, and I shouted "Book him!". His name is Bernie Rosen, so please welcome Bernie Rosen!
Applause and Music
Alan:
Knowing me, Alan Partridge
Kendall:
Knowing me, Kendall Ball
Alan:
Knowing us Alan Partridge and Kendall Ball, knowing you Bernie Rosen. Aha.
Bernie:
Aha. Ya known me, but obviously not in the biblical sense, hehe, though we live in hope, eh Kendall?
Kendall:
Yeah, sure, huh.
Bernie:
Who are these people here? You know, they all look so depressed, you know, that's the thing about Vegas, you know, we Jews, we got so much money here in Vegas, we call it Oi-Vegas, yeah. I mean, look at that woman over there, you know, look at that lady, she looks like she just got here from a funeral, you know, her own {lost for words}
Kendall:
Bernie, Bernie, I've noticed the way you came in, with, like, full of confidence...
Bernie:
Full marks there, Kendall
Kendall:
Is your comedy a sort of defence mechanism?
Alan:
No, no, can we just, I don't want to get too heavy, look. Bernie, Bernie.
Bernie:
Yeah
Alan:
Who's your favourite comedian?
Bernie:
Well, I s'pose I gotta say Milton Berle, you know, I...
Alan:
Who's he?
Bernie:
He's my favourite comedian, y'know
Alan:
Right, um, who's your favourite British comedian, that people in Britain might have heard of?
Bernie:
I-I'm sorry Alan...
Alan:
Tommy Cooper?
Bernie:
No. No Alan
Alan:
Tommy Cooper? Oh come on, he did tricks badly, you know, he died at the Palladium.
Bernie:
Alan, I tell you something, we've all died at the Palladium, you know
Alan:
{sigh} Wh-what's your favourite situation comedy?
Bernie:
Ah, yeah, oh, my marriage is my favourite sitcom, you know, we're on to our 22nd series and the ratings are terrible, you know, and the good news is, they're writing my wife out of the next series.
Alan:
Really, I-I'm sure you're a very funny man, but you never answer the question. I don't know what you're talking about.
Bernie:
If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should hear my cousin Morris, the accountant {Stereotypical Jewish nonsense}
Alan:
Would you just answer the question!?
Kendall:
Alan, Alan...
Alan:
What's your favourite sitcom!?
Bernie:
"The Golden Girls"
Alan:
Right. Right. Mine is "Robin's Nest"
Bernie:
Right.
Alan:
It was, it was brilliant, actually. Richard O'Sullivan ran this restaurant and it really was chaos. Yeah, and the man who did the washing up had one arm. When you think about it, it's ridiculous. Need, need, needless to say plenty of plates got broken and Robin got annoyed. It was very funny. Now, let's move on, let's not beat about the bush. You are a Jew.
Bernie:
Hey, you think he wouldn't tell anybody. The secret's out.
Alan:
Whatd'you mean? Everyone knows.
Bernie:
It's a joke Alan, you know, I was joking.
Alan:
Oh, you were very funny last night
Bernie:
Yeah, well, you know
Alan:
In, you see, in Britain there's a rich stream of Jewish comedy, there's, ah, all the famous ones, Shylock, Fagan, Topol, Maureen Lipman in the British Telecom ads, which depict modern Jews accurately and hilariously, but of course, there are different kinds of Jews, aren't there?
Bernie:
Oh, sure, yeah, sure, Alan, you know, we got, we got conservative Jews, reformed Jews, liberal Jews, orange Jews, apple Jews...
Alan:
A-apple Jews. Wh-what are they?
Bernie:
No, Alan, that, you know, it's, it's a joke, Alan, it was juice, Jews, you know it sounds the same
Alan:
Did you do that joke in your act?
Bernie:
No, I wrote it for tonight, yeah.
Alan:
Well, you shouldn't have bothered
Bernie:
Yeah
Kendall:
Bernie, could I ask you a question?
Alan:
Keep it light
Kendall:
How do you deal with anti-Semitism in your profession?
Alan:
Oh, Lord!
Bernie:
Could I answer that?
Alan:
No, look, I don't want to get into this whole dangerous area of anti-Semitism, I, look, Bernie, for God's sake, please, tell us a joke about Jews.
Bernie:
OK, OK, on ya, I'll tell you a Jewish joke, I said to my wife, Ida, "Ida, how come you never tell me when you orgasm?", and she said to me, "Bernie, it's because you're never there", you know, when I orgasm, you never there, you know, i.., you know...
Alan:
Hang on, hang on, oh yes, yes! {Laughs hysterically}
Bernie:
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, OK, we have contact!
Alan:
I've got a great joke about Jews, um, right, um, um, did you hear about the Jewish hotel keeper? He, he kept a fork in the sugar bowl for goodness sake.
Bernie:
Uh, no, Alan, that's not a Jewish joke, that's an anti-Jewish joke.
Kendall:
Alan, that stereotypes Jewish people as being mean.
Alan:
Well, I wouldn't want to say, that you were mean, in fact I noticed when I met you tonight the first thing you did when I met you in the bar, you went and bought me a drink, and I, I remembered you did that and I thought "Yes. Good"
Bernie:
Yeah. I mean, that's very nice of you, Alan, but the important thing is not to generalise, you know, I , I just met you. You're the only person I know from, where you from, er, Norwich?
Alan:
Norwich
Bernie:
Yeah, and, ah, just knowing you I'm not going to think that everyone in Norwich is, is...
Kendall:
Stupid
Alan:
You think we're all stupid in Norwich?
Kendall:
I wasn't, I wasn't saying that you were stupid
Alan:
No, let me nail this ghost to the coffin, once and for all. Norwich people are not stupid, let me tell you something, let me tell this American audience something. In Britain, we have centres of excellence: Oxford, Cambridge and Norwich. So people in Norwich are different. Living in Norwich is not just a way of life, Norwich is an attitude. I will not have that kind of prejudice thrown upon me from someone like that. Thank you very much...you were so funny last night.
Bernie:
Do I like go now?
Alan:
Yeah, give him a round of applause.
Applause
Kendall:
Bernie Rosen, ladies and gentlemen, Bernie! Woo-hoo!
Alan:
Our final guest tonight, is not so much famous as infamous
Kendall:
He's known throughout Las Vegas as one of the biggest high-rolling gamblers of them all
Alan:
Rien ne va plus
Kendall:
Place your bets
Alan:
The dice are loaded
Kendall:
Stick or twist
Alan:
Two fat ladies, 88, legs, 11. All these words are music to his ears
Kendall:
Please welcome Mister R...
Alan:
I'll say this. Please welcome Mister Risky Business himself, professional gambler, Jack "the black cat" Colson
Applause and Music
Alan:
Knowing me, Alan Partridge
Kendall:
Knowing me, Kendall Ball
Alan:
Knowing us, Alan Partridge and Kendall Ball, knowing you Jack "the black cat" Colson, aha
Jack:
Hehe, that is just about the longest introduction I ever had. Ah-ha - thought you never gonna finish it.
Alan:
Hehe
Kendall:
Jack, Jack, I believe you have played poker with.... Telly Savallas
Jack:
That's right. Who loves ya, baby. Telly Savallas, he's a really keen poker player, happened to be in Vegas, he was shooting some film here. He said, "Jack Black-cat, howd'you wanna play a bit of poker?" High stakes.
Alan:
Book 'em, Dano, murder one.
Jack:
Nope, man, that's Hawaii Five-O
Alan:
Right
Jack:
Sorry I had to say that
Alan:
OK
Jack:
Anyhow, Telly comes up to my hotel room, we s..., I say, "Telly you wanna play a bit of Texas Holding?". You know Texas Holding, Kendall?
Kendall:
Yeah
Jack:
Deal comes, Telly's got a pair of kings, I got bullets in the hold, Aces.
Alan:
Ooh
Jack:
Now I don't know, I figure I'm gonna get Telly all in here
Alan:
Ooh
Jack:
Deuce, tres, five. Ain't no use to neither of us
Alan:
Wow
Jack:
Telly raises the max. I call...Guess what happens? Four of Clubs comes down. I just made me an inside straight...woo-wee!
Alan:
Woo-wee!
Jack:
Telly says to me, "Well, what you got Jack Black Cat?". So I flip over my Aces and I say, "Telly, I got bullets!" {mimics two gun shots}
Alan:
You shot Telly Savallas?
Kendall:
No, Alan. Bullets- it's slang for Aces
Alan:
I-it's funny though, isn't it, that his name's Telly Savallas and he's on the telly.
Jack:
That's real funny
Alan:
It's a bit like me being called, uh, Radio Partridge. Of course, it's not really that funny when you think about it, because there was, uh, Radio Caroline, isn't there? That's her name
Kendall:
Jack, tell us about your famous roulette system you've been practising since the age of six.
Jack:
The thing about roulette, anyone out there listening, is you don't wanna play roulette. Sucker's game, see. You got all these people, they fly over to Vegas to say, "Hey, I got some big, big-shot roulette system". Only a sucker's got a roulette system.
Alan:
I've got a roulette system.
Jack:
You wanna tell me...
Alan:
I've got, I've got a foolproof system. I developed it while I was coming over on the plane, club class, and I tried it out several times, now, in my imagination and it works every time.
Jack:
I can believe that...
Alan:
It's...and this is how it works, right. It's like a toss of a coin, look, if I toss a coin, and it's heads, the next time I toss it, it's bound to be tails.
Jack:
Nope, it's 50/50, every single time, Alan. The coin ain't got a brain, ain't got consciousness. No matter what's going on 'round the coin, the coin just does what the hell it wants to. Bit like yourself, Alan.
Alan:
Well, I, I bet you any money that if I put my system into practice, it would work. I'll bet you.
Jack:
Well, I may just have to take you up on that little bet, Alan
Alan:
{mimicking Jack} Well, you could just take me up on that bet
Jack:
Well, I may just have to do that
Alan:
Well, you may do it if you want
Applause
Jack:
Well, I may just do that
Alan:
Well, do it!
Kendall:
Watch yourself, Alan
Alan:
Hang on, hang on...
Jack:
He knows what he's doing. You wanna make a bet...
Alan:
I, I think that your Texan belly is going a little bit yellow.
Jack:
Well, let's do it, Alan. Thousand bucks...
Alan:
Thousand bucks
Jack:
Let's do it, Alan.
Alan:
Yep. Thousand bucks
Jack:
Call
Alan:
Tails
Jack:
What's that?
Alan:
Tails! Yes!
Applause
Alan:
One thousand dollars to me.
Jack:
Cheque. Who do you want to make the cheque payable to?
Alan:
Make it payable to Great Auburn Street Hospital
Jack:
You wanna raise the stakes a little bit, Alan? Put it up to five thousand dollars?
Alan:
No, no.
Jack:
No? {mimics clucking of chicken}
Alan:
No. Ten thousand. Ten thousand bucks.
Jack:
I like the way you speak
Alan:
Ten thousand bucks
Jack:
Ten thousand bucks
Alan:
Yeah
Jack:
Call
Alan:
Heads
Jack:
What's that?
Applause:
Alan:
Heads! Yes! Yes! Ten thousand bucks. Live, from Las Vegas is Alan Partridge who's just won ten thousand bucks off, supposedly, the greatest gambler that has ever lived.
Jack:
Should I make that payable to Great Auburn Street Hospital...
Alan:
Please leave that one blank. I'll fill that one in later. But, er, thanks for being on the show, and thanks for being so gracious in your, er, humiliating defeat.
Jack:
My pleasure, Alan. Well, you know me, Alan, it don't matter to me, losing eleven thousand bucks, having a little bit of fun. I still drive home in my brand new $140 000 red Mercedes sports car.
Alan:
Really?
Jack:
Just drive on home in my...
Alan:
You got a...
Jack:
...Mercedes sports car
Alan:
Well, here's the big question, buddy boy.
Kendall:
Alan, don't even think about it
Alan:
How do you fancy betting your $140 000 worth of German hardware against £20 000 of pure maroon Ford ...?
Jack:
You got it, Alan. Call
Alan:
Tails
Jack:
What's that?
Alan:
Heads
Jack:
Give me the keys, Alan
Alan:
Hang on, you can't. It's my car
Jack:
Give me the keys, Alan
Alan:
You can't
Jack:
Just give me the keys
Alan:
Best out of three. Please...
Jack:
Ain't no best of three, Alan. You took a bet. Just give me the keys.
Alan:
Can I have a chance to win it back?
Jack:
Whatcha got, Alan?
Alan:
Do you know what a Nissan Micra is?
Jack:
Shitty little Japanese car
Alan:
It's a Japanese hatchback
Jack:
I don't want that
Alan:
I have access to one. I...it's my wife's car
Kendall:
Alan, don't do that! Alan...No, seriously
Alan:
Go powder your nose, babe!
Jack:
Ooh, big boy!
Alan:
Come on, yes!
Jack:
Alan Partridge...Nissan Micra. Go. Call
Alan:
Tails
Jack:
What's that?
Alan:
{long pause} On that bombshell, on that, on that double vehicular loss for Alan Partridge in Vegas, it's time to say...I can't say it, you do it, Kendall.
Knowing Me, Knowing You Music playing in the background
Kendall:
Well, you have been Knowing Us, Kendall Ball and Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Jack "the black cat" Colson, Bernie Rosen, Conrad Knight and Sally Hoff. Thanks to our team of researchers David Schneider, Rebecca Brown, Doon McKichan, Patrick Marber and Steve Coogan. Producer, Armando Ianucci.
Transcribed by Tom Bozic. Any errors, omissions, etc. please report to tbsoftware@hotmail.com. Transcribed June 2001.