Knowing Me, Knowing You: Radio Show 4

Music: "Knowing me, knowing you, there is nothing we can do, knowing me, knowing you..."

Alan:

Ahaaa! {applause} Thank you. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You, and, er, the hot news is, I've got a hit on my hands. This show is a hit, according to the New Statesman and Society. I don't read it myself, but, er, a researcher ran into my office this week brandishing a review, er, the headline reads, "Post-Modern Partridge" and it says, it says, "Alan Partridge is the apotheosis of the three-minute culture. In his hands the essentially complex becomes inordinately simplistic". {tut-tuts}

On the way here, my driver, Colin, er, dropped me off and he said, "Alan, I hope you've got some good guests on tonight". And I have - this is the introduction to them {clears throat}. Two times two is four, two times four are eight, two times eight are sixteen, two times sixteen are thirty-two...that was about my limit when I was nine years old, but it's mere piffle to my next guest, who is a nine year old child prodigy and Fellow of Oxford University {Audience: Wooooooooo!}. Please give an academic welcome to - with his father - Simon Fisher.

Applause and Music

Alan:

Welcome, welcome to Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, John Fisher, aha.

John:

Aha

Alan:

And, and you Simon Fisher...

Simon:

{Interrupts} Aha!

Alan:

Not, not so loud, it's the microphone. Now, Simon, you are a Fellow of Oxford University, and you're a child prodigy. As a child genius what do you do, what do you actually do in the day?

Simon:

Well I don't exactly do, I, I, I am, I, I see each day as a sort of gift that is to be unwrapped, which I do in my own unique way.

Alan:

Well of course you, you are very unique.

Simon:

One can not have gradations of uniqueness when either is or is not unique.

Alan:

Right. You, you know, you're right, you're right. I mean, I mean you couldn't be more right.

Simon:

Well, one is either right or not right.

Alan:

Well, you are, you're right, um, so am I. Now, John Fisher...

John:

Yes

Alan:

...or Simon's dad, as you are more commonly known, um, Simon is obviously a lot of fun, I can see that, I see that in his little quips, but, erm, when did you first realise that Simon was abnormal?

John:

Uh, gifted, you mean

Alan:

Abnormally gifted

John:

Well, it's when Simon was about 14 months old, um, I remember looking at him there in his cot, and, um, I said to him, uh, "Who does Daddy love, Simon? Who? Who?", and guess what Simon said?

Alan:

What?

Simon:

"Whom does Daddy love? Whom? Whom?"

John:

He picked up on my grammatical error with his very first words, and, er, that's when I knew that he was going to be something special.

Alan:

Yeah, my, my son Fernando wasn't quite as original as that. He said, er, he said "Daddy", which somehow I prefer.

John:

Course, he was calling me "Father" soon afterwards

Alan:

Not "Daddy"

Simon:

"Daddy" is a vulgarisation

Alan:

Oh, yeah

Simon:

Also is "yeah"

Alan:

Yeah. John, John, do you ever sit alone at night by the fire, with your head in your hands and think to yourself, "God have mercy on my soul, I have spawned a monster! I've created Frankenstein!"

John:

No, no, no, Simon's a wonderful child, no, never, never

Alan:

Well, that's nice, I'm sure that Frankenstein's parents found it within their hearts to love him

Simon:

Interjection, uh, there is no such monster as Frankenstein.

Alan:

Uh, there is, actually, there is, it's in a film and, it's a Certificate X, you wouldn't have seen it

Simon:

Well, I've read the book by Mary Shelley, and Frankenstein is the name of a Genevan student who creates Frankenstein's monster

Alan:

{long pause} You any good at sport, Simon?

Simon:

Sport induces violence in the common man

Alan:

Yeah, cobblers, I like sport and I'm not violent. You're just scared of breaking your glasses

Simon:

I don't wear glasses

Alan:

Well, you should

John:

I like sport, um, in fact I represented my school at the London School Swimming Championships when I was fifteen.

Alan:

Your bronze medal would probably come a bit handy, 'cause, you know, if Simon fell into a canal, you could dive in and save him.

John:

Yes, I certainly could

Simon:

I wouldn't be so stupid as to fall in

Alan:

No, but you might get pushed in

Simon:

Why don't you just say what you mean, Mister Partridge, as do you think that I deserve to be pushed in a canal so if you think that I do, then who do think should push me in, who, who?

Alan:

Whom? Whom?

Simon:

Um, no, in this context, "whom", which is the accusative-dative, is not applicable

Alan:

Is he right?

John:

Yes, he's right, I'm afraid

Simon:

Why don't you just say what you mean, which is that you would like to push me into a canal, Mister Partridge?

Alan:

Alright then, I, Alan Partridge, would like to push you, Simon Fisher, into a very deep, disused canal

Simon:

There, it's not so difficult, is it?

Alan:

No. In fact I feel a lot better. Thank you. Thank you very much. You're very honest

Simon:

I, sir, to be honest as this world goes, there is to be one man picked out of ten thousand

Alan:

That's very worthy of Shakespeare, very good

Simon:

It is Shakespeare.

Alan:

Well it's, well it's, well it's, it's better than that, it's worthy of the Great Bard

Simon:

Have you ever seen Hamlet?

John:

Simon, Simon please....

Alan:

Yes, yes

Simon:

I saw it with Alan Rickman. Who did you see it with?

Alan:

My wife Carol

Simon:

No, no, no. Who was playing the lead?

Alan:

Hamlet

John:

Simon, Simon, that's enough now...

Simon:

Oh, yes the great actor Hamlet. No, which actor was playing the lead?

Alan:

Ummmm....

Simon:

Yes?

Alan:

Bernard Cribbins. I don't know, it was a long time ago, it was before you were born, you wouldn't remember it.

Simon:

Have you seen Citizen Kane?

Alan:

Yes, I watched every episode. Power to the people

Simon:

Have you seen Beauty and the Beast?

Alan:

Yes

Simon:

John Cocktoes?

Alan:

No

Simon:

Have you read Metamorphosis?

Alan:

Yes

Simon:

Who's it by?

Alan:

No, I haven't read it

Simon:

Have you read any Dickens?

Alan:

No

Simon:

Do you go to the ballet?

Alan:

No!

Simon:

Can you play chess?

Alan:

No!

Simon:

Do you know any Russian...

Alan:

No! No, what about you? Right, right, you, right, you, have you got any pubic hair?

Simon:

No, I haven't because I'm nine

Alan:

No, I'm thirty seven and I've got plenty, right. Can you do this {deep voice} Aaaaahh!

Simon:

No, because my voice hasn't broken...

Alan:

Exactly! Don't forget it! Uh, uh, one more. Are you a boy or a girl?

Simon:

I'm a boy

Alan:

Really?

Simon:

My name's Simon

Alan:

Really? It could be Simone, it could be Simone, 'cause you sound like a girl.

John:

Alan, stop

Simon:

I'm a boy and my name is Simon

Alan:

Yeah, you've got something on your shoulder there...{Hits Simon}

Simon:

{crying loudly in pain} AAAAARGH! Daddy, he really hurt me!

John:

Now you've gone too far! Apologise right now!

Alan:

{over Simon's sobbing} Sorry, I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have done it, I'm sorry, it's my mistake, I'm not very good with kids, Carol's...I got a very bad temper. But you are a little shit. That said, that said, thank you for coming on the show. Ladies and gentleman, the Fishers!

Applause

Alan:

OK, now, if you just want to move chairs, right. My next guest. Look into my eyes! You are feeling very sleepy. If my soothing voice is soothing enough, it should be sending you listeners at home to sleep. Are you asleep? Well, wake up! because I, Alan Partridge am not a hypnotist but my next guest is. I'm told she's going to hypnotise me. I might end up like one of those zombies from The Living Dead. Of course, my arms won't be dropping off. She, uh, she hails from across the Great Lake, good ol Uncle US of Stateside. She's as American as chocolate chip biscuits and mum's apple tart, but that's where comparisons with a tart must end, lest I come to a sticky end. Ladies and gentlemen, she's not a tart, she's a lady hypnotist, with a set of pins that will hypnotise any bloke. The big question is, what's the name of her game? Please welcome Janey Katz.

Applause and music: "The Name of the Game"

Alan:

Janey Katz. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Janey Katz, ahaa

Janey:

Uh-huh

Alan:

No, ahaaa, you say, ahaaa

Janey:

Ahaa

Alan:

That's right

Janey:

OK, right

Alan:

What's the name of your game? Is it a game? Has it got a name (other than hypnotism)?

Janey:

Really, what I practise is hypnotherapy, not hypnosis, so I try to distance myself from a kind of showbiz, um, you know, the razzamatazz side of it, I'm not out to make fools of people. I'm there to use hypnotherapy as a form of helping people to open up their minds

Alan:

Right, because I saw a brilliant hypnotist, uh, Tony L..Tony L'Mesmer he was called, he was brilliant, he, he was fantastic. He had, he had blokes crying like babies, he had women on all fours barking like dogs. It was really first-class entertainment, it really was fantastic.He's, uh, but he's very popular. He's booked right through to next summer, unavailable, hence your good self. But, er, you, you were in London promoting your new book.

Janey:

That's right, yes

Alan:

I, I, actually know New York

Janey:

You did?

Alan:

Mmm, I popped over there, and I really did get into as Billy Joe-L put it, I really did get into a New York state of mind. Um, I jumped in a cab and I said, "Cabbie, take me to the core of the Big Apple. I want to check out the bits, dude". I really did say that

Janey:

Ha-ha-ha. Oh my God! Just next time, say Manhattan and you'll get there

Alan:

Well, no, I want to get to the centre of New York

Janey:

Yeah, that is Manhattan

Alan:

Right, that's not where I want to go

Janey:

Where do you want to go?

Alan:

Bloomingdales

Janey:

Yeah. You're in Manhattan

Alan:

Right, I'm in Manhattan. What do I do now?

Janey:

You just, you get in a cab, and you say to the driver, "Take me to Manhattan to Bloomingdales"

Alan:

OK, I'm outside Bloomingdales, what, what next? What do I do now?

Janey:

What do you mean?

Alan:

You've hypnotised me.

Janey:

No I haven't

Alan:

Oh, I see, I'm sorry, sorry, I thought, I thought you just slid in to it. It's just that you are staring at me

Janey:

I'm sorry. No I just find you fascinating

Alan:

In wh-wh-wh-what way?

Janey:

Clinically

Alan:

Really? Thank you

Janey:

My pleasure

Alan:

You, Janey Katz, hypnotist, I, Alan Partridge, clinically fascinating. Now, you er, now I believe right now, I'm very fortunate, 'cause you're going to hypnotise me

Janey:

I certainly am, yes

Alan:

Great

Janey:

Um, obviously, we don't have that much time, so it's going to be a kind of vague gesture towards it. But the idea is that what we'll try to do is project onto, let's say, the curtain of your mind, a series of images from your past

Alan:

OK, well, I'll draw back my curtains...

Janey:

Good

Alan:

...behind which you will find a net curtain. You may lift that up, should you wish...

Janey:

Thank you

Alan:

...and we'll see if there are any skeletons lurking in ...the...cupboard, the curtain, the curtain cupboard

Janey:

In your mind

Alan:

My mind's curtain cupboard, yeah

Janey:

Alright. Well the first thing to do is to get you relaxed, so if you just lie on, what are you...

Alan:

Just put this peg on my nose

Janey:

Why are you putting a peg on your nose?

Alan:

Well, because I was told that your blood-pressure increases during hypnotism. It could lead to a nose bleed.

Janey:

No, no, no. Who told you that?

Alan:

The researchers

Janey:

I think it was probably a joke

Alan:

OK, no, that's alright, that's OK

Janey:

Well take it off

Alan:

I'll take it off if I wish to take it off

Janey:

Yeah, you can't relax with a peg on your nose

Alan:

If I, I should be the judge of that whether I should take the peg off my nose, and, as it happens, I have decided to take the peg off. I'll do that now.

Janey:

OK, just lie back on the couch if you could be so kind

Alan:

OK, right, I'm lying back on the couch, listeners

Janey:

OK, just try to concentrate. Now, I'm going to count you down from three and then in that time I want you to relax every muscle in your body, OK, and then you will be hypnotised. 3 - 2 - 1. Now Alan, without opening your eyes, I want you to tell me what you can see.

Alan:

Pair of plimsolls.

Janey:

Right. Who do they belong to?

Alan:

Little boy

Janey:

Do you recognise the little boy?

Alan:

Yes. It's Alan Partridge

Janey:

Now, I want you to step inside Alan Partridge

Alan:

OK

Janey:

Now, Alan, would you tell me how old you are?

Little Alan:

{puts on a scared little boy's voice} I'm eight years old

Janey:

And where are you at the moment?

Little Alan:

I'm on the bottom of Tandle Hill

Janey:

Where's Tandle Hill?

Little Alan:

Near the school

Janey:

OK. Now, um , describe what you can see in front of you

Little Alan:

There's about eighty boys

Janey:

So you're not alone?

Little Alan:

No, they're at the top of the hill

Janey:

And where are you?

Little Alan:

On the bottom. Can't keep up with them, it's a cross-country run. It's cold. It's very cold

Janey:

Why are you so cold if you are running, Alan?

Little Alan:

I haven't got any shorts on

Janey:

Why not?

Little Alan:

Steven McCoombes has taken them off me

Janey:

Can you see Steven McCoombes?

Little Alan:

Yes, he's waving them about with his hands. He's saying, "Smelly Alan Fartridge! Smelly Alan Fartridge!". I'm not smelly! Smelly Alan Fartridge!

Janey:

OK, Alan, alright, now look, you're not happy, are you, no?

Little Alan:

No

Janey:

Should we take you away from here?

Little Alan:

Yes

Janey:

Let's take you to some place where you are happy, OK? We're going there right now. Are you there?

Little Alan:

Yes

Janey:

Now tell me what you can see

Little Alan:

I'm in class

Janey:

Yeah

Little Alan:

The Headmaster's come in

Janey:

Right. Uh, what's happening?

Little Alan:

Oh, he's looking very pleased. He said, he said, "Someone's won an essay writing competition, someone's written an essay on sport and he's won a prize"

Janey:

Um-hmm. What else is he saying?

Little Alan:

He said, "Is there an Alan Partridge in the class? Would Alan Partridge identify himself?"

Janey:

And what's happening now?

Little Alan:

I'm standing up. They're all applauding me!

Janey:

Terrific. And what are you saying, Alan?

Little Alan:

I'm saying {reverts back to his grown-up voice} "I'm Alan Partridge! I am Alan Partridge! I've won the essay writing competition and that there's no doubt!"

Janey:

OK

Alan:

Yes, I have won it. Things will now be very different. No longer will I be called infantile names, 'cause I won the competition!

Janey:

Great, now Alan, we have to, we're running a little short of time, we have to now bring you back, OK?

Alan:

No, I don't want to come back

Janey:

No, you'll be fine, you have to come back because you're in a middle of a talk show

Alan:

I like it here

Janey:

Well, you like it here too

Alan:

No, I don't want to go back. I don't want to be on the radio.

Janey:

Come on, Alan

Alan:

Nobody listens to Radio Four

Janey:

Alan, OK....

Alan:

Nobody listens to Radio Four!

Janey:

Now, Alan, just concentrate because I can't bring you back

Alan:

I want to be on the telly!

Janey:

Now, I'm going to count to three and you have to come back.

Alan:

Let me on the telly! Let me on the telly!

Janey:

1 - 2 - 3

Alan:

So what I want to know is when are you going to hypnotise me?

Janey:

I've done it

Alan:

Really?

Janey:

Yes, it's been done. Just think about what is foremost in your mind

Alan:

Oh, the essay writing competition

Janey:

That's right, back at school. Anything else from school, d'you remember?

Alan:

Yes, cross-country run

Janey:

Tandle Hill, do you remember that?

Alan:

Yes

Janey:

That's right, yep, did you enjoy that?

Simon:

Smelly Alan Fartridge!

Alan:

What? Nobody calls me that! Nobody calls me that!

Janey:

Hang on, Simon...

Simon:

I was just referring him back to his past

Janey:

Simon, this is a very important point, you must not abuse this priviledge, because we have been priviledged to see inside Alan's memory.

Alan:

I, I, I did not smell

Janey:

Now this is irrelevant, Alan, you don't have to defend yourself

Alan:

No, I want to clear this up once and for all. This has been hanging in the air for about thirty years, right, but I want to clear it up, ok? Steven McCoombes who called me Smelly Alan Fartridge, because he thought it was funny, Fartridge, Partridge, he said smelly. I wasn't. My personal hygiene was never in question. I showered regularly, I was never, I didn't smell. The question is, what's Steven McCoombes doing now? That's the question, because I host a chat show, what's he do? I tell you, he's a forklift truck driver for British Leyland. I tell you, he lives in Edgbaston, he's got a pathetic life, I've seen, I've parked my car outside his house, I've watched him come and go, and he's got a sad, pathetic life and McCoombes, if you are listening, what are you now? You're nothing. And I am Alan Partridge! {applause}Yeah, thank you, thank you. Now, that sort of wraps it up. Your book's available in the shops this Christmas?

Janey:

Very good advert for my book.

Alan:

OK, well

Janey:

Yeah, it's called "The Future is Behind You" and it is in fact a therapeutic study

Alan:

OK, one for the Christmas stocking, hypnotise your friends

Janey:

No, no, it's not a show, it's not a party book

Alan:

Well, OK, in that case, a very serious book. Slap it on top of Stephen Hawking's book on your coffee table and impress your friends. Ladies and gentlemen, Janey Katz!

Applause

Alan:

Now. Order! Order! Silence in court! Order! Order! Silence in court! Of course, I don't say things like that, but my next guest does, because he is a lawyer. Not just any old lawyer, he's a young lawyer who's known as the "Bad Boy of the Old Bailey", famous for his natty dress sense and his unconventional behaviour in court. Let us court the enfants terribles of the inner temple. Do you want to get to know him? {Audience: Yes!}. Voulez-vous? OK, voulez-vous Nick Ford!

Applause and Music: "I Fought the Law - The Clash"

Alan:

I don't, I don't know what...

Nick:

Knowing me, knowing you, aha?

Alan:

No, there can be no "aha's". There's been a dreadful error here. You were supposed to come on to "Voulez-vous" by ABBA. I don't know what that was.

Nick:

Well, I always come on in court to "I Fought the Law" by the Clash, 'cause I'm a lawyer, you know, it's kinda cool

Alan:

Yeah, but how did it get on here?

Nick:

I just asked the sound guy to play it, you know, thought it'd be cool

Alan:

And he just said he'd do it, he didn't say he had to go to anyone else to ask permission?

Nick:

No, I just said, "Slap this on, mate", and he said "Yeah, cool"

Alan:

Right, well, it's not your fault

Nick:

I'm not saying it is

Alan:

No, it's not, it's not, it's not your job that's on the line. Let's just start again, right, with the music {clears his throat then sings "Voulez-vous" by ABBA} Voulez-vous, aha, take it now or leave it, aha, now is all we get, aha, nothing promised, no regrets {imitates song's fanfare}, voulez-vous, aha! Nick Ford!

Applause

Alan:

Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You, knowing you, aha!

Nick:

Aha! I understand the way you work now. Now we've got a rapport

Alan:

Right. Indeed. Now, you are...

Nick:

Great

Alan:

...you are a very different kind of lawyer

Nick:

That's right. What I say is, like, the law is an ass and I kick it

Alan:

Very good, very clever. Now, you've done all sorts of things in court, you once abseilled into court...

Nick:

Uh-huh

Alan:

...you once did a partial strip...

Nick:

That's right

Alan:

...and you once simulated a heart attack.

Nick:

Yeah

Alan:

The one that was in the press recently is, um, the er, robber, the man who robbed the...

Nick:

Mickey Hall. Basically what happened was he, he robbed a building society, and I felt that there were mitigating circumstances, so when it came to the summing up, I kind of went in there with all the jewellery on, all the gear and had a baseball cap on with "Justice" written on it, and I just got them to dim all the lights, one centre spot on me and I went :

{raps} Ladies and gents, jury. Everybody in the court, hear me one and all, I'm here to plead the case of a guy called Mickey Hall. When he went into the Woolwich on that fateful day, he was an innocent man, he didn't blow no one away. Yeah, he pulled a gun, but the gun was fake, on that piece of evidence I stake...my claim. Society's to blame. Look at it's face. I rest my case. I rest my case. {Alan: "Very good"} I rest my case.

Applause

Said it, said it three times and I just very, very slowly, very dramatically walked backwards in to my seat, sat down. The atmosphere was electric. Could've heard a pin drop

Alan:

Amazing. What happened?

Nick:

He got five years

Alan:

Well good for you! Great, well he won't be doing that again in a hurry, now would he?

Nick:

I was defending him, Alan. I lost the case.

Alan:

Yeah, it puzzles me that law. How can you defend a man who, let's say, has been arrested for murder?

Nick:

Well, because he may be innocent

Alan:

Well, with the greatest respect, the police are hardly likely to arrest him if he's innocent, are they?

Nick:

With slightly less respect, uh, haven't you ever heard of wrongful arrest?

Alan:

No

Nick:

(guildford four, birmingham six)

Alan:

Well, yes, but, no, that's different. Now, now, they are innocent...

Nick:

Be, be very careful, Alan. You're on air

Alan:

No, I think we should go into it...

Nick:

No, if I was your lawyer, I would advise you very strongly now to shut your mouth.

Alan:

Why?

Nick:

These people will sue and put an injunction on your show and you'll never broadcast again

Alan:

{long pause}Where did you get your shirt?

Nick:

It's...my friend Domo made it

Alan:

It's not so much a shirt, or...

Nick:

It's a blouse. I think that's the word...you're blushing and groping.

Alan:

I'm not blushing

Nick:

It's a big girl's blouse. Look, if you don't like it, you can be honest, it's my whole philosophy, this is what I'm saying, it's like, you know, if there was more honesty and less repression in our society there be less crimes...

Alan:

Alright, alright, I'll be honest

Nick:

Well, be honest

Alan:

I'll be honest. You are a homosexual

Nick:

Bisexual

Alan:

Don't pussy-foot

Nick:

I'm not pussy footing.

Alan:

The point is, there are blokes involved, that's the important thing

Nick:

I mean, you seem very threatened by it, Alan

Alan:

I'm not threatened by you lot, no way. Any of you lot had a go, I'd deck the lot of you

Nick:

Ooh, a tough guy! I meant psychologically threatened. It's OK to explore your sexuality, you know, it's OK to be open, I mean, you know, as the kid here, Simon, let's bring him into it, I mean, you're just discovering sexuality...

Alan:

Oh, leave the kid out of it! Leave him out of it!

Nick:

Well, maybe you should have left him out of it

Alan:

Cover his ears!

Nick:

Well, his ear is still bright red from where you hit him.

Alan:

That was, that was..

Nick:

Oh, by the way, Mister Fisher, if you're seeking legal advice on this...

John:

I don't need any advice from your thoughts...

Nick:

Wo, wo, wo! Welcome to, welcome to Homophobics Anonymous!

Alan:

Good one, I like that Mister Fisher, don't want any advice...right, we should go for a drink sometime

John:

No thanks

Nick:

You're hitting kids, you know, you could end up in gaol

Simon:

Can I just say something here? No, because, no please, because technically it wasn't assault because he didn't actually cause any...

Nick:

It was assault. He hit you

Simon:

Yes, but I was provoking him, I was being precocious.

Nick:

The point is, if this was a normal child...

Simon:

I am normal!

Nick:

You're not normal. You're a freak! If this was a normal child with a normal father they would sue you immediately. You should be careful, I don't think you'd like it in prison, all those men...

Alan:

Listen. What are you insinuating? What are you saying? Are you saying that I, Alan Partridge, would end up in prison and maybe, what, get friendly with some bloke...

Nick:

Who knows, Alan?

Alan:

...and, maybe, I'd be in the shower with him and, um, maybe, we'd just start wrestling and mucking about, and then he'd probably start soaping my back down, and um, and then, you know, we'd kiss each other tenderly. Is that what you're saying? Because that is untrue!

Nick:

It's all in your imagination, Alan

Alan:

Well, if you're insinuating that's what I secretly want...

Nick:

No further questions, Your Honour! No further questions.

Alan:

{long pause} Well, um, my researcher said, um, you can get him on this question

Nick:

I very much doubt it

Alan:

Well, I'll read it out: "Why does he affect a Cockney accent, when he went to (Harrow), brackets, which is a public school? So, my question to you is: Why do you affect a Cockney accent, when you went to (Harrow), which is a public school?

Nick:

{hesitates} I...I think that...I don't...I wouldn't say it's affected that, I think that...um, you know...

Alan:

No further questions, Your Honour! Ha, ha, yes!

Simon:

Can I just say something here? It's because I think we're all here as, as fine-minded people, and, and we're, we're sort of wallowing about in a mire, when all the beautiful things we could be talking about, and music and arts, and we're on this tawdry show...

Alan:

It's not a tawdry show!

Nick:

It is a tawdry show

Alan:

Is it?

Simon:

...and Mister Ford, and Mister Ford is debasing our beautiful language...

Nick:

Oh, shut up!

Simon:

...psychotherapist...

Janey:

What? OK, Simon, I'll say something to you, I suggest you get a life!

Alan:

Look, can we...hang on...Order! Order! Order!

Nick:

Yeah, get a life!

Janey:

Grow up!

Simon:

She thinks that we need to go and have our heads examined

Janey:

Yep

Simon:

...well, well, if you think we need therapy, then to who should we go? To who? To who? To who?

Alan:

Hang on a second. Sh...surely that should be "To whom?"

Nick:

Yeah, he's right, in this context, it is "To whom?"

Alan:

To whom?

Simon:

No, I don't think it's...

Alan:

You're wrong! To whom! To whom!

Alan and Nick:

{Simon struggling to speak} Whom! Whom! Whom! Whom! Whom! Whom!

Simon:

I've wet myself, Daddy!

John:

Oh dear

Knowing Me, Knowimg You Music playing in the background. Applause

Alan:

And on that bombshell we say goodnight as Simon Fisher, nine year old Fellow of Oxford University has wet himself, and I, now, Alan Partridge, dry as a bone saying, "Knowing me, knowing you". I would like to thank my guests Janey Katz, mad hippie, Nick Ford, queer lawyer, Simon Fisher, wet boy, and his dad, a nobody. Thanks to the writers and researchers: Steve Coogan, Patrick Marber, Doon McKichan, Rebecca Frost, and David Schneider and to my producer Armando Ianucci. Thank you.

Transcribed by Tom Bozic. Any errors, omissions, etc. please report to tbsoftware@hotmail.com. Transcribed August 2001.