Knowing Me, Knowing You: Radio Show 5

Music: "Knowing Me, Knowing You".

Alan

Ah-ha

Alan

Welcome…. Welcome, welcome… welcome to knowing me knowing you, my chat show with me, Alan partridge, knowing you, the you my guests, and the err, you the audience. Before the chat show, I’ve got a bit of a plug I’d want to do with a new book, I’ve just published, its by Peartree publications, the err, publishing wing of my company, and it’s a collection of amusing sporting anecdotes, its, its called a funny thing happened on the way to the stadium, to Alan Partridge, by Alan Partridge. It’s a stocking filler, you-know, I mean, its not gonna win the booker prize, you know it’d be nice to be nominated, erm, but err, before I introduce my first guest, here’s an extract from the book, and its about when I bumped by car into a well known celebrities car, George best’s, O, I shouldn’t have told you that actually, it’s a bit of a surprise in the anecdote, anyway erm, I’ll read it.

I’d just finished having lunch with Geoff capes the shot-putter at the Savoy, and I was reversing my ford Granada out of a parking space, when BANG I’d bumped into a very flashy lotus sports car, whose driving that I wondered, you’ll never guess, it was none other than George Best. Sorry about that George, I said, ho well he said, I suppose we’ll have to swap insurance details, and I said yes.

George Best, marvelous.

Erm, OK, my erm my first, my first, nope, my first guest tonight is, not George best, he’s err, he’s a bit of a handful, no, I’m honored to say my first guest is a member of the royal family, (Audience wow’s), yes, all day here at Peartree productions, we’ve been rolling out the red carpets and the walls have been licked with a new coat of paint, she’s regal, she’s royal, please give a loyal round of applause to a very nice person, the duchess of Stranraugh.

 

Alan

the duchess…

Duchess

that’s right

Alan

of Stranraugh. The First question I have to ask duchess, is how do I address you?

Duchess

well erm, err really there are three forms of address, formally you would call me erm your grace, as erm, sorry I’m rather nervous..

Alan

that’s alright

Duchess

as this is informal you would address me as Duchess, or just Emma, which is of course what my family or my husband would call me.

Alan

of course your husbands hardly likely to call you duchess is he…

Duchess

(laughing) no.

Alan

…is my tea ready duchess? No, not gonna do that is he, no, but err you are, you’re a very different kind of royal cos, your not like princess Di, she’s very beautiful, but your more of an outdoor type.

Duchess

yes, yes.

Alan

you-know, and its nice with your hair all piled up on top of your head like that, in the royal way. Now what a lot of us would like to know I’m sure, is as a royal what do you do? What do you do?

Duchess

well erm a lot of the time I work for charity the rest of the time really I work on the estate, erm it’s a large estate as I’m sure you can imagine…

Alan

hmmm.

Duchess

and there is a lot of work involved, and erm it’s a pleasure for me to spend my time doing that,

Alan

I’ve seen a photograph of it and I, I would dearly like to come and visit.

Duchess

well, well you must really, because erm, the house and gardens are open to the public, three days a week…

Alan

right,

Duchess

that’s Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays.

Alan

so, so if I came I’d be with like the public?

Duchess

well I hope so yes, I mean we try to encourage all comers, we like to have a crowd.

Alan

right, but I mean during the weeks a bit difficult for me, I was thinking if maybe I could come at the weekend?

Duchess

we don’t open at weekends, we have to have the house to ourselves.

Alan

yep, we’re getting our wires crossed here, I, I think what I’m trying to say is, I would really like to come and stay for, as a guest, for a weekend.

Duchess

Oh I see, I suspect your teasing me a little bit…

Alan

well no, I mean I, no, I would, I mean you are always welcome to Cacston Avenue in Norwich, just you-know ring ahead, and we’ll delighted, I mean could I stay?

Duchess

Um, it would be a little difficult to arrange.

Alan

ok right, fair enough we’ll, we’ll talk about it after the show.

Duchess

yes

Alan

get our diaries out, hammer out a few dates.

Duchess

yes

Alan

ok, now what are your plans for next year?

Duchess

well erm in July next year we are planning, a grand charity gala for Refuse the anti-drugs charity. Erm, that will be at the Royal Albert hall.

Alan

wonderful, and after that?

Duchess

after that I think I’ll be putting my feet up at home, need a rest.

Alan

So what about then?

Duchess

sorry what about then?

Alan

well can I come and stay then?

Duchess

um, well I think we could discuss that nearer the time.

Alan

yeah, its just that you-know, we’re both busy people, if we discuss it nearer the time its not going to happen is it, I mean that’s what I say when I want to put someone off, you-know. Never mind, you know its good to meet a royal like you who’s got a sense of humour.

Duchess

well I have to say that, as a family we have a sense of humour, I mean when we all get together we have a blooming good laugh, you know…

Alan

(laughing) yeah.

Duchess

not to put to fine a point on it.

Alan

and a dance?

Duchess

absolutely we love dancing yes,

Alan

bit of a singsong?

Duchess

we have many musical evenings together yes.

Alan

now and again a bit of tom foolery,

Duchess

hmm yes, one or two practical jokes get played

Alan

(laughing) and I’ll bet that when your on your own, you secretly get completely rat-arsed. (Audience laughs) (pause) I’m sorry.

Duchess

but erm, the point really about all this fame is that I am prepared to, try to use what little fame I have, for charity.

Alan

I’m sorry, sorry.

Duchess

I do a lot of work, as I’ve said for refuse, it’s a drugs rehabilitation charity.

Alan

I think I over-stepped the mark there, before, I really am genuinely sorry about that. I went to far.

Duchess

well yes you did. So erm, most of my work really…

Alan

do you forgive me?

Duchess

…involves, erm, this kind of public relations exercise

Alan

look, look lets talk about your charity.

Duchess

yes I am.

Alan

right, because you were touched personally, weren’t you by,

Duchess

by the drugs problem, yes, that’s really what began me on this crusade, my son Clive.

Alan

yes

Duchess

had a drugs problem

Alan

that’s right, Clive the junkie, as he was known.

Duchess

well he’s not

Alan

no

Duchess

not a drug addict

Alan

ex-junkie

Duchess

he had a drugs problem, thanks to refuse, erm, he no longer has one.

Alan

that was in the press, I, I don’t know if, if any of the audience are, are unfamiliar, with that, incidence, just to, I don’t want to dwell on it, but err, that was when err your son Clive was in the café royal, he smashed it up didn’t he.

Duchess

it was very unfortunate, it was a long time ago and the point really is…

Alan

he trashed the place didn’t he?

Duchess

its all in the past, because he has been able to help himself, right and get back, into the community.

Alan

wonderful, now, you have two lovely daughters,

Duchess

yeah

Alan

Alicia, is a bit of a maverick isn’t she.

Duchess

oh now, she’s now a performance artist…

Alan

what an actress?

Duchess

n-n-no, no, erm, a performance artist…

Alan

what you watch them paint?

Duchess

well, no, its rather more complicated than that, if I can just give you an example, erm, of a performance she gave some time ago, in a space I attended, she had daubed herself in paint of many colours, and accompanied my a um, pop record, um, I think if I remember rightly it was Gary Glitter, um, I think it was do you want to be in my gang, I cant remember, she, marched very purposefully, backwards and forwards, throughout the space, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and it was really very powerful.

Alan

(laughing) it sounds hilarious, it really does.

Duchess

um well, it was witty, um, but it was, visually…

Alan

sounds like the goons, yeah, very good, I don’t want to press you on this but I have one of the reviews Xeroxed here and its says, she was seen simulating defecation on a photograph of Winston Churchill, what’s all that about?

Duchess

erm, I wasn’t present at that performance.

Alan

I think it was an encore or something.

Duchess

I don’t know, I mean you’d have to ask Alicia.

Alan

get her on the show…

Duchess

yes.

Alan

…as long as she doesn’t defecate on me.

Duchess

I’m, I’m sure she’d only simulate it.

Alan

erm, now, I, I’m at the top of my profession, there’d be little argument about that, but, you, you in a sense are not at the top of yours, your 27^th in line to the throne, that’s quite a way to go.

Duchess

Oh, well, there isn’t really a career structure you know, I have a position which I have always held.

Alan

do you want to be queen?

Duchess

no, no I don’t.

Alan

hmm, deep down?

Duchess

no not at all.

Alan

could happen.

Duchess

no it couldn’t happen

Alan

could happen, let, let me paint a hypothesis for you. Its Christmas, Balmoral, the whole royal family are there, Edward pulls a cracker, there’s a bomb in it there, all wiped out.

Duchess

oh for heavens sake, now really,

Alan

no, no wiped out, just bare with this ok. The outer royals, the Armstrong’s, Jone’s, and that photographer bloke, they all, they are all going to the funeral, in a big mini-bus, a sniper takes out the driver, it goes over a cliff…

Duchess

no, really I must. No I sorry…

Alan

… stay with it, stay with it, just bare with me, now, your husband is shooting grouse, a messenger brings him news of this tragic second event, in his excitement, he realizes he’s going to be king, suddenly he loses his footing, and with his shot-gun, and this may be stressful, he blows his own head clean off…

Duchess

no this is going, to far, I mean…

Alan

now, the prime minister knocks on your door, and says, Emma will you be queen? What do you say?

Duchess

no, it’s a, it’s a preposterous question.

Alan

it, it could, I would, you know, if I was asked by the prime minister, would you be king? I’d say, I would sacrifice my career on radio 4, and I would say, I would say YES, I will be king Alan, umm, err, the first. Would you, are you prepared, would you, do your duty to your country?

Duchess

this is pure fiction.

Alan

in those circumstance, would, (to audience) do you think she should be queen? Do you think she should be queen? (Audience cheers) yes, would you be queen?

Duchess

no, those circumstances would not arise.

Alan

in your people’s hour of need, would you be queen?

Duchess

of course in those circumstances yes,

Alan

Yes, you do wanna be queen, yes, of course you do your only human, good luck, good luck, and err, if you make it to the top job, come back on the show, tell us about it. Fingers crossed, ladies and gentlemen, the duchess of Stranraugh.

Applause.

Alan

ok, now, next guest on the show, we’ve got err, Dustin Hoffman, Sean Connery, Michael Caine and frank Spencer. In fact we haven’t really got those people on, but in a sense we have, because my next guest is a very talented young impressionist, and he can do all there voices, s, so it’d seem like they were on. My researcher spotted him in a little club the comedy shop, and they said, Alan, he’s a bit near the knuckle, I said, I don’t mind that, as long as his knuckle is near his funny bone. And, I’m sure, I’m sure it will be, I’m prepared to take a chance on him, and I hope you are too, as I welcome, funny voice man impressionist, Steve Thompson.

Applause.

Alan

make yourself comfortable, welcome to knowing me knowing you, Ah-ha.

Steve

Ah-har.

Alan

Ah-ha.

Steve

Ah-ha.

Alan

this is your first chat show.

Steve

yeah that’s right.

Alan

you’ve not done, err, you’ve not done Wogan yet?

Steve

(in his Wogan voice) heh, no, I haven’t, yet, reached, clickerdy heights, of Wogan.

Alan

do, do your Wogan for us.

Steve

(in his Wogan voice) heh, Terry Wogan.

Alan

Hahaha very good. Very good, well, we’ll, we’ll work some impressions subtly into the show, but erm, lets talk about this new alternative comedy thing, what is that?

Steve

well, it’s not really a new thing you know, it’s actually been around for about ten years now…

Alan

right…

Steve

…yeah, a lot of people think its new but its not.

Alan

Ben Elton.

Steve

(in Ben Elton voice) ladies and gentlemen, yes indeed, little bit of politics…

Alan

…no, no, I don’t mean do him, I mean he’s an alternative comedian.

Steve

well, yeah, I mean people say, yeah, Ben Elton he’s al, he’s alternative, but I mean, you-know, the distinction I want to make is between, good and bad comedy, you-know, its not about alternative.

Alan

right, but you hate all the old comedians,

Steve

ha, no, that’s another myth about you-know, us sort of newer generation, I’ve got a lot, the deepest respect for you-know, people like Tony Hancock, Morecambe and Wise, err,…

Alan

Frankie Howard

Steve

Frankie Howard, actually…

Alan

the goons…

Steve

the goons, brilliant…

Alan

Monty python

Steve

Monty python, brilliant.

Alan

Bernard Manning, Jim Davidson…

Steve

not, no…

Alan

les Dennis…

Steve

not, not so much them people, more the other people not, them so much.

Alan

right, you hate them?

Steve

no, no, no, your playing devils advocate here Alan.

Alan

I just want you to admit that you hate les Dennis.

Steve

yeah. I mean, what, what the distinction I want to make is sort of, you-know, they’re sort of joke based comedy, and the stuff I do is more kind of truthful observational stuff.

Alan

right, you, you tell observations don’t you.

Steve

I make observations.

Alan

right. Do an observation.

Steve

erm, err, well this is a bad example but, um, have, have you noticed how, um, when you get in a cab and your talking to the taxi driver, he always turns round to talk to you, so may, maybe, he, sh, he should have a steering wheel on his shoulder.

Alan

is that, which bit of that’s the observation?

Steve

first bit. The first bit.

Alan

right, your right, that’s a bad example, let, lets…

Steve

in my comedy I’m trying to, tryin’ err deal with, generic human truths, you-know.

Alan

hmm.

Steve

what, I want, I want to be funny but, with dignity.

Alan

(whispers) do your Frank Spencer.

Steve

(in Frank Spencer voice) ooo, Betty, hmmm, that cats done a whoopsy.

Alan

hahaha, very good, erm um, do Dustin Hoffman.

Steve

(in Dustin Hoffman voice) Michael Dorssan and Dorothy Michaels.

Alan

er, great lovely, what would Sean Connery say if he came in the door now?

Steve

err, I think he’d say err, (in Sean Connery voice) my name is bond, James Bond, your name is Partridge, Alan, Partridge…

Alan

ha, of course he would, Roy Hattersly.

Steve

cant do him.

Alan

right, ok, urm, o, o look Frank Spencers come back in the door.

Steve

na, I, I really don’t actually do Frank Spencer, I just, I did it then cos, I, I needed to but I don’t actually…

Alan

you err, your one of the spitting imagers aren’t you?

Steve

well, I do voices on spitting image.

Alan

right, I’ve been tipped off by my spitting images insider, that err, deep down somewhere, they are planning to do a new puppet of…

Steve

yeah, there doing err, Alan Hanson, cos he does match of the day.

Alan

yeah, yeah, and I’ve heard there doing a puppet of one Alan Partridge.

Steve

haha, o, I can neither confirm nor deny that.

Alan

yeah, come on, tell us the truth, let, are there, there…

Steve

I’m sworn to secrecy, Alan…

Alan

I’ll bet, come on, Are they Making a puppet of me?

Steve

No.

Alan

right, that’s, that’s a relief, that is, phew, close shave there, don’t want to make fun of me. Urm, but you do, do an impression of me don’t you?

Steve

ha, err, once I did one yeah, at a gig yeah, I did an impression.

Alan

well can we hear it now?

Steve

well, I don’t know if its appropriate for this programme you-know, I do it quite late night.

Alan

it doesn’t matter, listen, you can’t scare me, you talking to a man who’s been de-bagged at a pharmaceutical conference. Come on do, do you Alan partridge.

Steve

no, I just, I, prefer not to, I just don’t want to…

Alan

that why your on the show. Do Alan Partridge. Do it.

Steve

(in his Alan partridge voice) good evening, I’m Alan Partridge, welcome to knowing me knowing you with Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge, I’ll just say my name again, I’m Alan Partridge, its not that I like the sound of my own voice, its just I enjoy hearing myself speak. I’m Alan Partridge, this is sports desk, I’m Alan Partridge, people say I make mistakes, but the only mistake I ever made was being born…

Alan

what…

Steve

… I’m Alan Partridge, I’m the non-thinking mans Elton Wellsby, I’m Alan Partridge…

Alan

…all right…

Steve

…I’m a media whore with no punters…

Alan

…that’s it…

Steve

…let me on the telly, let me on the telly…

Alan

…I don’t say that…

Steve

…I’m Alan Partridge, I’m the man, I’m Alan Partridge, I tell ya, I’m Alan Partridge I’m the man who makes Jimmy Hill look like Umberto Eco. I’m Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge, urrr, Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge. Alan Partridge.

Alan

now that sunshine is libellous.

Steve

now that sunshine is libellous.

Alan

that’s what I said.

Steve

that’s what I said.

Alan

what are you doing?

Steve

what are you doing.

Alan

will you just stop repeating…

Steve

stop…

Alan

don’t…

Steve

stop…

Alan

stop it.

Steve

stop it.

Alan

your being stupid,

Steve

this is stupid,

Alan

your making yourself look stupid.

Steve

your making yourself look stupid.

Alan

stop that now.

Steve

stop that now.

Alan

stop it

Steve

stop it

Alan

don’t say any more.

Steve

don’t say any more.

Alan

stop it

Steve

stop it

Alan

you look ridiculous.

Steve

you look ridiculous.

Alan

that’s it

Steve

that’s it

Alan

that’s it

Steve

that’s it

(pause)

Alan

that was Steve Thompson there the impressionist.

Steve

that was Steve Thompson…

Alan

your not still doing it.

Steve

your not still doing it.

Alan

o its ridiculous now

Steve

its ridiculous now

Alan

you look, s, its ridiculous.

Steve

you look ridiculous.

Alan

please, stop it.

Steve

please, stop it.

Alan

I’m Alan Partridge.

Steve

I’m Alan Partridge.

Alan

what’s Umberto Echo?

Steve

what’s Umberto Echo?

Alan

translate that now.

Steve

translate that now.

Alan

what is it?

Steve

what is it.

Alan

what, what is it?

Steve

what is it.

Alan

what is it?

Steve

what is it.

Alan

(quietly) what is it?

Steve

(quietly) he’s a person.

Alan

he’s a person?

Steve

he’s a person?

Alan

(quietly) what does he do?

Steve

(quietly) he’s a semiologist.

Alan

He’s a semiologist?

Steve

He’s a semiologist?

Alan

what’s a semiologist?

Steve

what’s a semiologist?

Alan

what is it?

Steve

what is it.

Alan

what is it?

Steve

what is it.

Alan

what is it?

Steve

I’m not telling you.

Alan

what’s a semiologist?

Steve

what’s a semiologist?

Alan

you cant do that.

Steve

you cant do that.

Alan

stop it

Steve

stop it

Alan

(shouting) I’m Alan Partridge.

Steve

(shouting) I’m Alan Partridge.

Alan

(shouting) I’m Alan Partridge.

Steve

(shouting) I’m Alan Partridge.

Alan

(whispers) if you speak again I will physically hit you.

That was Steve Thompson there the impressionist. A quick question before you go Steve, what’s the name of the researcher that booked you?

Steve

I don’t know.

Alan

is it Lisa?

Steve

no.

Alan

must have been Jason then, that’s all I need to know. OK, urm, Steve Thompson there, thanks very much Steve.

Alan

there’s no time to clap, there’s no time to clap. There’s, no, there’s no time there’s no time. Now, my next guest is a government Minister, she made her name in the early eighties as the uncompromising leader of Norwich city council, and as an MP, she’s quickly shot up the greasy pole as junior minister for housing. In the past week she’s been subject to some unforgivable press rumour and innuendo, regarding her holiday abroad with two seventeen year old boy twins, and she’s come on to my show tonight to clear her name and to tell us how she’s making this country, great again. Please welcome the junior minister for housing, the delightful, Mrs. Sandra Peaks.

Applause.

Alan

welcome, knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you the minister for housing, Mrs. Sandra Peaks, Ah-ha.

Sandra

it’s my pleasure Alan.

Alan

No, you say Ah-ha.

Sandra

Ah-ha.

Alan

thanks. Now you, you and I, have something in common don’t we?

Sandra

we both live in Norwich, yes.

Alan

that’s right, we both come form the little island in the bog, Norwich, and your now MP for Norwich, and you’ve recently reached the dizzy heights of err, junior ministerial office. Congratulations.

Sandra

thank you very much, and thank you for your sterling work in the election with the loud hailer.

Alan

yep, yeah, it was a pleasure, I don’t, I don’t want to disclose my political affiliations here, think that would be inappropriate, but suffice to say, on April the tenth I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Sandra

we certainly did.

Alan

and of course if I may say so, a very successful leader of Norwich council.

Sandra

that’s right, doing what had to be done, getting rates down, getting poll tax down, and erm not handing out money, but handing out hope, which is a lot more precious.

Alan

right, and err, getting, getting rid of those gypsies. Err, but we’re hear to talk about the rumours, the sordid speculation which has blighted your life, over the past couple of days.

Sandra

that’s been rammed down everybody’s throats.

Alan

Yes, now, for listeners, for listeners at home, those who’ve err,  had the good fortune not to have seen the photos in the tabloids, they depict the minister, quite simply on holiday, on a lounger with two young lads, just you-know popping a bit of you-know, baby lotion onto your tummy and legs. Now these seventeen year old twin brothers…

Sandra

hence the predictably smutty Sun headline…

Alan

Twin Peaks. Presumably a reference to your err, your ample bosom there.

Sandra

no that’s a reference to the fact that my name is Sandra peaks and the two lads were twins.

Alan

o, right, that’s clever, but it works both ways doesn’t it.

Sandra

well if you have a tawdry mind yes.

Alan

yeah, wh, wh, what, what was actually going on?

Sandra

well as you well know Alan, the only twin peaks that I’m interested in, are the twin peaks of initiative and responsibility.

Alan

very clever.

Sandra

now these two lads, these were two homeless people, with initiative, and they wrote to me explaining the situation, which quite naturally I wanted to do something about, and we gave them a job on Brightside Constructions, my husband Brian’s construction industry.

Alan

that’s right cos, he’s employed a lot of young boys hasn’t he?

Sandra

yes, yes, two hundred and fifty in the last three months.

Alan

golly, that’s, that’s a lot. Urm, urm, but why, why, did you take the boys on holiday?

Sandra

well this is the point I’m trying to make, it’s very easy to lose touch with the public and Brian and I thought it would be a great idea to take Craig and Matt away, take them out of their depressing environment, get to know them at a grass roots level, now if a minister for housing, cant get to know the very people she’s trying to house, then what sort of a democracy is it?

Alan

absolutely, hear hear, as they say in the house of lords, now, now as far, as far as I’m concerned that issue is closed, we’ve got rid of the muck, we’ve hosed you down, but err, just in case err, there’s any little bit of dirt still sticking in any nooks or crannies or cracks, on you, then lets get out the high-pressure nozzle, lets, lets do that by bringing on to this programme, with your consent…

Sandra

absolutely yes…

Alan

the two young lads at the center of this episode, they’re here tonight, please welcome the two seventeen year old twin lads, they’ve been great in hospitality making us all laugh, please welcome Craig and Matt Bradley.

 

Applause.

Alan

Craig and Matt, welcome ah-ha…

Craig and Matt

…ah-ha…

Alan

now which, which, ones Craig, which ones Matt?

Craig

I’m Craig.

Matt

I’m matt.

Alan

right ok, do you enjoy hospitality?

Craig

yes…

Matt

yeah, its great yeah.

Alan

managed to eat the sandwiches?

Matt

(laughing) yeah…

Alan

take a few cans home with you?

Matt

Yeah right.

Alan

that’s what I do. I don’t really, I don’t do that, I don’t pilfer. Erm, now you’ve heard and read presumably, about the allegations, tell us about the minister, you know her better than anyone else, what’s she like?

Craig

she’s very nice.

Matt

yeah she’s, she’s lovely, we’re just like one big happy family, aint we?

Alan

right, and so what was your reaction when you saw the photographs in the paper?

Matt

I, I, I thought It was disgusting, you-know, in this day and age, just cos someone goes topless there’s a big scandal.

Alan

she wasn’t topless in the photographs.

Sandra

no I never took my top off.

Craig

no what matt, what matt means is that we we’re topless, me and Matt were topless. Mrs. Peaks was never topless.

Alan

right.

Matt

we’re just one big happy family.

Alan

yes, yeah, but err, you had a great time?

Craig

yeah…

Matt

yeah, brilliant.

Sandra

yeah, I wish I was seventeen again.

Alan

why?

Sandra

just so that I could…

Matt

we were one big happy family.

Alan

yeah, yeah you’ve said that. ok, I’ve heard what you’ve said and I, have to say that I, Alan Partridge, think that someone here smells deeply of fish, and its not Alan Partridge.

Sandra

well what are you trying to say Alan?

Alan

it’s all a bit too squeaky clean. Come on lads, bottom line, I’ve got a cheque book here, how much to spill the beans?

Sandra

no, Alan do not descend into this…

Craig

twenty thousand.

Sandra

do accept his…

Matt

o, shut it Sandra.

Alan

producers telling me you can have sixteen thousand pounds.

Craig

its not enough.

Sandra

I do not believe that I am sitting here, and you, Alan Partridge…

Craig

its not enough.

Alan

I’ll give you four out of my own pocket.

Craig

cash.

Alan

yeah, right yeah, cash.

Craig

after the show.

Alan

after the show, we’ll do that.

Craig

sixteen now.

Sandra

right, I’m leaving.

Alan

yeah, right, done.

Sandra

I am leaving Mr. Partridge.

Alan

she’s getting up, the minister’s leaving the show, she’s walking out on my show.

Sandra

…I am going…

Alan

she’s going she’s off the show, thank you that’s all minister, now dish the dirt.

Craig

where’s the cheque? The cheque.

Alan

right, erm, there.

Craig

make it out to me, Craig Bradley.

Matt

and matt.

Craig

na, na that’s all right, I’ll sort it out.

Alan

there, come on quick, we’ve got two minutes, dirt quickly.

Craig

we’re rent boys.

Alan

rent boys, right, what did you do, what did you do?

Craig

everything, she got us through an agency.

Alan

yep, what, what did you do?

Matt

err, bondage, she made us dress like dogs.

Alan

that’s disgusting, Dogs.

Craig

she had sort of metal clanking leads.

Matt

yeah.

Alan

O, that’s awful, anymore? Quick.

Craig

she mad us bark, and we had to eat dog food from a silver bowl.

Matt

I ate it, I ate it, Craig didn’t.

Alan

that’s disgusting, did, did she use a torse?

Craig

a what?

Alan

it’s, err, a bamboo back leather strap, three prongs.

Craig

Yes, Yes.

Alan

right, yes, right.

Craig

and she made…

Alan

quickly, quickly.

Craig

she made, she made, err, Brian wanted to be a dog as well but she wouldn’t let him, and she made Mr. Peaks go into the bathroom and lick milk up from the shower.

Alan

did he go meow, like a cat?

Craig

no…

Matt

no, no, no, no.

Alan

right, ok, quickly please, give me some physical evidence of what she did.

Craig

right ok…

Matt

here, look at my bottom, look at that.

Alan

look at his bottom ladies and gentlemen, there are, look at that, look…

Craig

…its radio Alan, they can’t see.

Alan

I’ll describe it, its got two cheeks its just like an ordinary one, but, its, its got deep whelp marks, inflicted by a torse, inflicted my a minister of the crown. And on that bombshell, we say, knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you, you the impressionist, the you the duchess of Stranraugh, the you the rent boys and the you the minister of the crown. That’s all from me Alan partridge, thanks team of writers and researchers, Steve coogan, Patrick Marber, David Schneider, Rebecca front, Doon Mackichen.

Transcribed by CTV, From http://www.comedytv.f2s.com.