Knowing Me, Knowing You: Radio Show 6
Music: "Knowing me, knowing you, there is nothing we can do, knowing me, knowing you..."
Alan:
Ahaaaa! {applause} Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome once again to Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge {hushed} aha, aha. Now, the more observant listeners may have noticed that, that last "aha" was tinged with sadness, and that's because this is the last in the current series of Knowing Me, Knowing You {Audience: "Awwww..."}. No, ah-haa! Now, after the show the BBC have told me to clear my desk, pack my bags and hop it! No, of course they haven't. We are currently in negotiations for a second series, uh, basically, they say that, uh, the deal's fine as it stands, we say, things change. We say in this business, people become hot. And when you're handling something that's hot, you don't want to get your fingers burnt, so you wear oven gloves. And you handle that hot property with kid gloves,...and, and oven gloves outside those. And, to sum up, in case anyone's not quite sure what I'm saying, um, what I'm actually trying to say is that the BBC TV are on the lookout for the next big TV chat show, um, fingers crossed. TV's gain could be Radio Four's loss. OK, let's get on with the show, let's banish all talk of Knowing Me, Knowing You being a central component of next Autumn's BBC1 schedule. My first guest tonight is the Commisioning Director for BBC Television! Please give a warm welcome to Mister Tony Hayers!
Applause and Music
Alan:
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you Tony Hayers. Aha.
Tony:
Aha
Alan:
Tony Hayers, Commisioning Director of B-B-C Television
Tony:
Alan Partridge, presenter of Radio Four's jewel in the crown
Alan:
No, no, it's "Knowing Me, Knowing You"
Tony:
I, I meant "jewel in the crown" as in...
Alan:
It's not called "Jewel in the Crown", that's another thing
Tony:
Let's move on
Alan:
Right, yeah, of course. Now, in a short while, you will be taking telephone calls from members of the public...
Tony:
That's right
Alan:
...and who want to know questions about BBC Television. That's why you're on the show. We look forward to that.
Tony:
Yes, yes
Alan:
Now, there is a ethos behind the BBC
Tony:
Yes
Alan:
What is that?
Tony:
We've always, and always will be committed to, to making programmes of originality, quality and excellence.
Alan:
I can see that because I go home, I sit down, I turn the television on onto BBC1 and I sit and watch 'The Darling Buds of May', and I, and I say "Thank God for the BBC, this is quality".
Tony:
Uh, well that's very kind, Alan. I have to say that 'Darling Buds of May' is actually ITV.
Alan:
Is it? Oh right, um, 'Inspector Morse', then
Tony:
ITV
Alan:
Right, OK, 'The Bill', 'The Bill'?
Tony:
ITV
Alan:
Right, um, 'Noel's House Party'?
Tony:
Yes, that's us, Alan, yes
Alan:
Right, right, so I like to go home, sit down, and think "I want originality, quality and excellence. I watch 'Noel's House Party'" and I think "Thank God for the BBC". Originality, quality and excellence!
Tony:
Yes
Alan:
"Noel's House Party"! It's interesting, actually, you say "The Darling Buds of May", um, because I remember now that the BBC was offered that show...
Tony:
Yes, that's correct...
Alan:
...and they turned it down
Tony:
...that's correct, yes
Alan:
So, someone, somewhere along the line let twenty million viewers slip through his fingers. He must be kicking himself now!
Tony:
That was me
Alan:
It's rubbish! It's rubbish, though, isn't it?
Tony:
Well, I thought it was very good.
Alan:
It is, it is, it's great, it's terrific, isn't it?
Tony:
I'm sorry, I thought you just said it was rubbish, Alan
Alan:
Yeah, it is rubbish, the viewing figures, th-they're twenty million. There can't be that much, that's rubbish, that's rubbish.
Tony:
Ri-i-ght, right
Alan:
Right. I think it's time for the first caller, which is Steve from Hornsea in North London. Steve, are you there?
Steve:
Yeah I am, Alan. Hello
Alan:
Have you got a question for Tony Hayers?
Steve:
Yeah, er, Tony.
Tony:
Hello, Steve, hello
Steve:
Um, I'm a big fan of "Duchess of Duke Street"
Tony:
{aspirated chuckle}Oh!
Alan:
"The Duchess of Duke Street"
Steve:
I'm just wondering if you're gonna bring that back, you know, have repeats of that
Tony:
Um, there - I must confess- there aren't any firm plans at the moment, but I, I was a big fan of the series and I'm pleased to hear that, er, it's fondly remembered in the public's eye and, um, yes I'll do my best to see for the fut...actually, you could possibly get it on video.
Alan:
Is it available on video?
Steve:
No, I don't think so
Tony:
You could try the BBC Shop, but I'm not sure myself
Alan:
Well I hope, I hope that helps you, Steve.
Steve:
Yeah. Can I ask you a question, Alan?
Alan:
Certainly. Fire away.
Steve:
Why are you such a tit?
Alan:
Um, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we do, we can't...we had no control of that so I apologise in advance
Steve:
You haven't answered the question.
Alan:
Why hasn't he been cut off!!? He should have been cut off!...
Steve:
Why are you...{cut off}
Alan:
Sorry. Um, the next is...Kelly from Withington. Kelly?
Kerry:
{Cockney} Hello?
Alan:
Hello
Tony:
Hello
Alan:
Kelly?
Kerry:
Kerry
Alan:
Kerry. Sorry
Kerry:
Why haven't you got more youth programmes?
Alan:
What? What?
Kerry:
Why aren't there more youth programmes?
Alan:
Why aren't there more youth programmes?
Tony:
Um, well, Kerry, um, that's an area of programming that we're addressing at the moment. We have a youth controller and, um, we hope that within the next few years we'll really have tackled programming for the 15-25 year old age bracket.
Alan:
Great. And I'd like to think that Knowing Me, Knowing You is in there with the youth programmes because, um, Simon Bates is a big fan of the show, and um, he's certainly got his finger on the nub of youth, and indeed Kerry's called so I imagine she's a listener. Kerry, do you like the show?
Kerry:
No.
Alan:
Right, OK, alright, um, fine. Our next caller is Amanda, Amanda Southampton from Southampton. Are you there?
Amanda:
It's just Amanda from Southampton.
Alan:
OK. Have you got a ques..., have you got a question for Tony?
Amanda:
Yes, hello Tony.
Tony:
Hello Amanda
Amanda:
I listen regularly to Radio Four...
Tony:
Mm-hmm
Amanda:
...and I've heard all of Knowing Me, Knowing You as a consequence
Tony:
Mmm
Amanda:
...and, um, I just want to say that, um it's the most insidiously offensive programme that I've ever heard, uh...
Alan:
Right...
Amanda:
...I don't how much of it you heard but, Alan Partridge has, on air, to my knowledge hit a child, he's gambled away his wife's car, he has taken cocaine, bribed rent boys, he was openly homophobic to a gay lawyer...I'm sorry, I can't remember his name...
Alan:
Nick Ford
Amanda:
Nick Ford, thank you, he's patronising to all his women guests...
Alan:
Oh, look, have you got a question, dearie?
Amanda:
Well, it's more, really more of a plea, Mister Hayers...
Tony:
Mmm
Amanda:
...just, p-please don't let Alan Partridge on the television.
Tony:
Well, Amanda, I'm not responsible for radio, so...
Alan:
Sorry, if I, can I deal with this please? Listen, listen, love, in the cut and thrust, in the cut and thrust of a chat show, people are going to get hit. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Sorry about that, I imagine that was a hoax caller, probably wife of the tit man.We've got time for one more call, which is from, John in Norwich. Hello. John?
John:
Hello Alan. I listen to Knowing Me, Knowing You a lot. I'm a big fan, and I think it should definitely go to television.
Tony:
Right.
John:
It could be made very cheaply by Peartree Productions, which is Alan Partridge's company, I believe
Alan:
That's right
John:
They could make it at Anglia Studios in Norwich
Tony:
Yes.
John:
Yes, very cheaply, Anglia Studios, I understand has excellent on-line editing facilities and digital editing equipment as well that would be useful for television. I reckon you could probably bring in a show for about £75 000, which in TV terms is very cheap so you'd have quality programming for a cheap budget.
Alan:
He's got a point.
Tony:
Mmm. Well, thank you John, I'll bear all that in mind, that's very interesting
Alan:
Is that all John? Is that all you got to say? Anything else? {long pause} Format?
John:
Format! Because it will be transferring direct from radio, you wouldn't have to pay Peartree Productions a large development fee, you could transfer straight away, I mean, Alan could start broadcasting as of next week if he wanted to.
Tony:
Can I just ask...John, what do you do for a living?
John:
I'm a plumber
Alan:
Thanks very much, thanks, thanks very much Jason from Norwich
Tony:
John
Alan:
John from Norwich, a plumber. OK, well, thanks very much Tony Hayers. Give him a round of applause, Tony Hayers!
Applause
Alan:
Now, my next two guests. Well, one is a TV presenter whose bark is worse than her bite. The other is a fashion designer whose style leaves a lot to be desired. And now they're both branching out. Why have I kept mentioning bits of trees and stuff like that. Well, this year is the Year of the Tree, and my next guests are two enterprising, stylish ladies who were launching a celebrity tree planting event to raise public awareness about the plight of our trees. Come with me and get to know Trudy Skye and Yvonne Boyd.
Applause
Alan:
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Trudy Skye and Yvonne Boyd, aha
Trudy and Yvonne:
Aha
Alan:
Now, if I can get my teeth into Trudy first. Trudy, you are known chiefly as the presenter of "The Show" on BBC2's "Def Leppard".
Trudy:
No, "Death Two"*
Alan:
Right, you present "Death Two" on "Def Leppard"
Trudy:
No, I present my show, "The Show", on "Death Two"
Alan:
Right, now, for the benefit of my listeners, tell us as briefly as possible about "The Show"
Trudy:
Well, it's very much a cult thing...
Alan:
Small viewing figures, carry on
Trudy:
Well, it's a sort of multimedia, um, pot pourri, if you like, of, er, music, art, dance, cabaret, culture, floating sculpture, um, it sort of aims at teenagers with a four-second attention span
Alan:
Yeah, well I have to say my teenage children, Fernando and Denise are avid, avid watchers. I on the other hand, find it completely exhausting, um, it's so fast. I thought our telly was on the blink, changing all the time
Trudy:
Well, it's very much in-your-face television
Alan:
Yes, I did feel it in my face, yeah, I thought my head was going to explode, like, er, like in that film...Let me move on to you, Yvonne Boyd. You are a fashion designer but you don't design clothes that ordinary people would wear in the street. You design more, kind of outlandish, sort of, funny looking clown-type costume things.
Yvonne:
I mean, I really think that all clothes are a statement
Alan:
I mean, my bank manager couldn't wear one of your clown costumes, for example
Yvonne:
Well, why not?
Alan:
Because he'd look ridiculous, he'd look like a clown!
Yvonne:
Yes, but I mean what I would say to you is, would you say he looked ridiculous if he was wearing like, um, a long bit of striped cotton with flaps around the neck and wrist and maybe a bit of brightly coloured silk around the neck
Alan:
Yes, that would look silly
Yvonne:
Right, so you would think that he would look silly in a shirt and tie
Alan:
Oh, I see, very clever, OK, my bank manager looks stupid, right, and you look normal wearing what I can only describe as shrub on your head
Yvonne:
Tis a shrub, it's my shrub hat
Alan:
And the statement you're making presumably is, "I'm wearing a shrub on my head"
Yvonne:
All clothes, as I said, are a statement of something, so what I'm wearing is a statement of what you're wearing now, which is, um, a sort of fuchsia and sage pringle jumper with a golf design knitted into it...
Alan:
Thank you
Yvonne:
...that also is making a statement, I mean, that is saying, you know, "I'm a performer. Look, look, I'm bright and exciting"
Alan:
Well, yes it is, it is, I mean, it's saying "I'm Alan Partridge, I am sports-casual", um, I mean, how would you describe me as a figure?
Yvonne:
I would say that you were a sort of a rococo figure, uh, a kind of a "mock baroque" if you like
Alan:
Hmm, thank you, knowing me Alan Partridge, "mock baroque", knowing you, Yvonne Boyd, tree lady. Now, now the reason why you're both here is to promote your tree campaign. Trudy, tell us about that
Trudy:
Well, Treenaissance '93 is a sort of, it's a sort of massive tree-planting eco-drive to raise consciousness and what we're saying, basically is, "Germination not termination", we're saying, we're saying, "Sapling not grappling", we're saying, "Nurture not torture"
Alan:
Great, I've got a good one for you, I thought it up in the car on the way down, uh, "Build a tree, don't cut it down for goodness sake!", put that on a T-shirt. Now, when, when did you first get the idea for Treenaissance '93?
Trudy:
Well, it was actually on one of our hen runs...
Alan:
Ooh, yes, the infamous hen runs, tell us about those
Trudy:
Well, it's once a month, about thirty of us girlies get together and go on a coach trip, it's sort of women only, just to sort of create some excit...
Alan:
Who...what kind of people go on these trips?
Trudy:
Oh, just friends, you know...Annie Lennox, Katie Puckrit*...
Alan:
Yeah, yeah
Yvonne:
...Pamela Stevenson...
Trudy:
...all the Cholmondleys...
Alan:
...yeah, yeah, I get the picture, yeah that lot...
Trudy:
I think that, that the day that it sort of rose in our collective psyche was...
Alan:
When you got the idea?
Trudy:
Uh-huh
Alan:
Yes
Trudy:
Yeah, it was an outing to Margate where we had a wonderful day and, uh, we actually just chanced upon this incredible greasy cafe on the sea front...
Yvonne:
It was really extraordinary
Trudy:
...it was so kitsch, it was like, uh, I can't describe it, there were like dirty table cloths and the floor was filthy, the waiter was Italian...
Yvonne:
The waiter had actually been born in Italy and he'd come over here to work as a waiter
Alan:
Really
Trudy:
...amazing...
Yvonne:
They had these, on every table, they had like plastic red tomatoes, which you'd squeeze and you got tomato ketchup out of them, but they looked like a sort of...they were sort of, they were too big for themselves...
Trudy:
...and they inspired Yvonne to launch her tomato collection which was sort of plastic red puff-ball dresses with a sort of stomach design of a green...
Alan:
Hmm, something else for my bank manager to wear...but to get back to my original question, tell me about Treenaissance. I suppose it was a very wacky-doo and everyone was all really trendy, presumably you, you, you went dressed as a banana, or something like that, or...
Yvonne:
No, I went wearing what I am wearing now, part of my tree collection
Alan:
You went wearing what you were wearing now? I hope you changed your underwear
Yvonne:
I don't wear underwear
Alan:
Of course you do
Yvonne:
No, I don't...
Alan:
You do, you're just trying to be wacky
Yvonne:
I'm not being wacky, I don't approve of underwear. I see it as a restriction of personal freedom and I've never worn it...
Alan:
Balderdash! Everyone wears underwear...
Yvonne:
...not balder...don't...I'm not lying...don't call me a liar...
Alan:
...you do..you do...you do...
Yvonne:
Right! I'll show you!
Alan:
Don't..no, don't do that...don't...oh my God!...oh my God!...oh God, I can't get it out of me head!...I just, I can still see it!...that's atrocious...ladies and gentlemen, she just showed me her woman's area! Thank goodness it's radio, I never thought I'd say that! I can't believe it, that was atrocious!
Yvonne:
If you go around calling people liars on your show then you've got to expect people to show their veracity
Alan:
You will not show your veracity on my show! I just want to say if anyone, if anyone's listening to this, I had no idea that they were going to be so candid and to make quite clear of my abhorrence, I will now tell them to leave, and in addition to that I will ask the audience to boo them. Thank you very much to Trudy Skye and Yvonne Boyd. Goodnight. {Audience boos} Boo them! Boo them! Go on, boo them! {Audience hisses}. That's right, and hiss them.
Right. Now my final guest tonight is an 84-year old man. {Audience: "Aww"} During his long, distinguished, maverick political career, he's been famous for his outspoken views and the outspoken way of speaking. In 1963, he reduced interviewer David Frost to a gibbering wreck of tears. In a recent TV debate, with feminist Andrea Duarkin* he cause outrage when he told her to shut up and shave. And only, and only last week he sensationally renounced his peerage and left the House of Lords. I better watch out, and so'd you, as we get to know Lord Morgan of Glossop.
Applause and Music - "Waterloo"
Alan:
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Lord Morgan of Glossop, aha
Lord Morgan:
{long pause} Hello
Alan:
No, you are not going to do that, OK. Now, you just resigned from the House of Lords. Do you want to tell us about that?
Lord Morgan:
One week ago, I stood up in the House of Lords and I said, "My lords and ladies, you're all arses. Goodbye"
Alan:
Ha-ha-ha, great, um, you just published your autobiography. What's that about?
Lord Morgan:
It's about my life, you arse
Alan:
Oh, you, you, you, you described your childhood in the book and I imagined your life in Glossop in Derbyshire, I imagine a life of cobbly streets, of inclement weather, a wholesome existence. Is that fair?
Lord Morgan:
When I was five, I walked into the parlour and I witnessed my father shooting my mother. He then placed the shotgun into his own mouth and blew his brains out.
Alan:
So, it wasn't an idyllic childhood?
Lord Morgan:
On the contrary. I spared ridiculous hypocrisy of family life. The only friend a man needs is the bottle
Alan:
Right. No doubt then if you're so fond of the bottle, you'll be quite pleased that we left a bottle of ten-year-old bottle of malt in your dressing room?
Lord Morgan:
Yes. All gone
Alan:
Did you enjoy it?
Lord Morgan:
Piss!
Alan:
I can see why David Frost started crying
Lord Morgan:
He's an arse
Alan:
Well, may I ask why?
Lord Morgan:
You're an arse
Alan:
Oh, so, after, er, after childhood, what happened then?
Lord Morgan:
Adolescence
Alan:
And, er, what was that like?
Lord Morgan:
Like childhood, but with more pubic hair...er, I got you there!
Alan:
Yes...now...
Lord Morgan:
You arse!
Alan:
Look, please, please, now Lord Morgan, please, people are listening. Now, in Oxford, in the 1930's, you went up to Oxford to study the Classics and it was there that you met W.H. Alden...
Lord Morgan:
Poof
Alan:
...Steven Spelling, Cecil Day Lewis...
Lord Morgan:
Big poof
Alan:
You, you, you didn't like them, did you?
Lord Morgan:
Nancy boy, communist, poofter poets...poofy poets prancing around
Alan:
So, you didn't like them?
Lord Morgan:
You arse!
Alan:
Don't say that again, please, please
Lord Morgan:
If you don't want me to say it again, I won't say it again. I give you my word
Alan:
Are you a man of your word?
Lord Morgan:
No
Alan:
Right, um, and er, you've been very outspoken, you're in favour of hanging...
Lord Morgan:
Only for criminals
Alan:
Right, but, um, oddly, more recently, you've been an outspoken defender of pornography. Why?
Lord Morgan:
What a man chooses to do in the privacy of his own attic is his business alone
Alan:
Yeah, but what about the feminist argument that pornography degrades women?
Lord Morgan:
But is it not the case that sex degrades women...if it's any good?
Alan:
Yes, yes, yes. Couldn't agree more. {Lord Morgan starts coughing} Now, now you're in "Who's Who" and er,
Lord Morgan:
I like those prostitutes
Alan:
Sorry?
Lord Morgan:
I like those prostitutes. They were very nice
Alan:
Who? What prostitutes?
Lord Morgan:
Those prostitutes you had on before...
Alan:
They were not...they were guests, you can't say that, they were guests...
Lord Morgan:
They look like whores
Alan:
Don't say that, shh, don't!
Lord Morgan:
They did!
Alan:
Look, {whispers} look. I, you and I know they look like whores. You can't say that.
Lord Morgan:
{coughs and chokes throughout}
Alan:
{ignoring LM's coughing} Now, I would love to be in "Who's Who" and I, I, what I've got here is my entry for "Who's Who" as follows: "Alan Gordon (!) Partridge, born April 2nd 1955 in Norwich. Journalist, commentator, broadcaster, and interviewer for Anglia TV's Sport Report, On the Hour BBC Radio Four, host of own chat show Knowing Me, Knowing You Radio Four and others". Is that the sort of thing that would be an acceptable form of words, which is to grace the hallowed turf of "Who's Who"'s pages?...{long pause}...no? I see that your own entry lists your hobbies - food, whisky and your attic - I mean, do you eat toffee?...{longer pause}...Lord Morgan? Lord Morgan? Could we have the chief medical officer please?...{murmurs in the background}...right, I'll deal with this, I'll deal with this. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it's, it's with great regret that I have to announce that Lord Morgan of Glossop passed away peacefully some moments ago and on that bombshell, on that bomb...no, we can't, I can't do that...this is, this is a profound moment...we perhaps observe a minute silence...in fact, I ought to cover him, um, I taking my sweater off and I'm going to drape it over his head...I drape my sweater over his head to preserve some dignity as Lord Morgan sits immovable beneath the hastily improvised pringle shroud. It seems, it seems somehow appropriate to say, "this is knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Lord Morgan rest in peace, aha. Please, please, one minute silence starting now, please, stop what you're doing, if you're in the car, pull over, if you're on the motorway, please, pull into the next service station and observe a minute silence in your own time...er if you're on the M1, there's Scratchwood, Toddington, and Newport where you'll find a Country Kitchen...um, if you're on the M6 you've got Nottsford, Sandback and Hill Park, so, a minute silence...{long pause}...I'll have to speak periodically to, so we're still broadcasting...{more silence}...This is Radio Four...with Alan Partridge...{more silence}...uh, drivers on the M4, you might want to pull off at Chippenham, where, if I'm not mistaken, you'll find a Julie's Pantry...uh, minute silence...{more silence}...in fact, I think we're running out time, I'm sure Lord Morgan wouldn't mind if I encroached on his minute silence to read out the credits, um, I'd like to thank my guests Tony Hayers, Trudy Skye, Yvonne Boyd, my team of writers and researchers, Steve Coogan, Patrick Marber, Rebecca Front, Doon McKichan, David Schneider and my producer Armando Ianucci and er on this very sombre bombshell, I wish you all goodnight.
Applause and Music - Theme Song "Knowing Me, Knowing You"
END OF RADIO SERIES
TO BE CONTINUED!
* possible error, please correct.
Transcribed by Tom Bozic. Any errors, omissions, etc. please report to tbsoftware@hotmail.com. Transcribed December 2001.