The Day Today - Episode 2

OPENING TITLES

MORRIS: Yes! On The Day Today tonight, woman describes her parrot's kidnap hell-

WOMAN: She told me that a very heavy officer sat on her back, others sat on her legs... she was then handcuffed and broad Sellotape was taped round her ankles so she couldn't walk.

MORRIS: -and new Welsh Minister in incomprehensible energy outburst.

MINISTER: The main benefit of our emulsion is because it is competitive. It permits the production of electricity cheaper, competitive, and hence enhance the competitiveness of British industry. [This could be a genuine interview!]

[News headline: "Silly Bugger".]

MORRIS: Good evening, the junior Minister for Health, Mr Douglas Wemby, has resigned today following allegations of irregular accounting and racist dances at his home constituency of Tray. Reporting from Westminster, Hellwyn Ballard reports.

BALLARD: Douglas Wemby's resignation could well spell trouble for John Major's government, trouble it could well do without. I'm joined now by our political correspondent, Collin Haye. [The camera pulls back to reveal Haye standing next to him outside the Houses of Parliament. In the background, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan (who we'll see more of later) is being beaten up by a passer-by.] Collin - a bad day for the government?

HAYE: What an aging patient called Mr Major's government needed today was a shot in the arm. What it actually received was a bullet in the throat. I'm joined now by the Tory chairman for resignation issues, Mr Austen Straker. [The camera pulls back again to show Straker right next to the two reporters.] Mr Straker - a bad day for the government?

STRAKER: The media always overblows these things, Collin - Mr Wemby's acted entirely with honour.

HAYE: Minister, thank you. Hellwyn.

BALLARD: Collin. Chris.

MORRIS: Hellwyn.

BALLARD: Chris.

MORRIS: Hellwyn.

[A montage of 'appropriate' shots appears behind Morris's commentary, starting with 10 Downing Street.]

MORRIS: Mr Wemby's week of hell ended at half past eleven this morning when his resignation was accepted by the Prime Minister. [Wemby leaves Number 10] He walked out of his office for the last time and left Westminster by car [Wemby gets into his car] to meet family [his wife and daughter] and constituents [a shot of a high street] at his house [his house] in Gloucestershire [a map of the UK highlighting the county] where he hopes [Bob Hope] to spend [a cash till] more [Henry Moore] time [a watch] cultivating [a tractor] his hobbies [some policemen, the letter 'B' crossed out and replaced with an 'H']. He is a keen [um, dunno, looks like a footballer] cook [Robin Cook], and is also fond of [Jane Fonda] collec [someone snaps their fingers] ting [a spoon taps the side of a glass] stamps [Terrence Stamp].

MORRIS: Sylvester Stuart has today's weather. [Morris glances madly from side to side.]

[Stuart's head appears over a map of Britain. His head is tiled over the map - as he describes each part of the country, the appropriate heads join in the commentary.]

STUART: Starting in the south-east, Devon and Cornwall should have some fairly heavy and prolonged showers, a bit like jagged metal piercing old flesh. The Midlands now, it'll be warm at first but turning cocky later, at around 12, and there should be some cloud around in the shape of a whore. In Scotland now, thunderstorms in the evening but the sun should come through later, so it'll be a bit like being woken up in the night by strange men shining powerful torches in your eyes. In summary then, dispassionate. And that's all the weather.

MORRIS: Alan Partridge is at Marple for today's horse races - I wonder what he's doing at the moment? Alan.

PARTRIDGE [longshot of him at a racetrack, surrounded by people]: Hi, Chris. I'm Alan Partridge. Horses - love 'em or hate 'em, from Mr Ed to Silver, that's the Lone Ranger's horse, they're all here mingling with officials. [Notices someone next to him waving at the camera] Don't do that, please. It's the 6.30 Queen Henry stakes, which is generally regarded as the litmus test for Derby form. Jockey folklore says that if you cock up the Queen Henry, you might as well ride the Derby on a cow. Which of course would be a complete waste of time. Let's have a look at the betting, the going today of course moist to tricky...

[An odds graphic, complete with animated horse rolling over and dying, appears.]

PARTRIDGE: Diabetic Charlie 3-1 favourite, Two Headed Sex Beast 4-1, and at 20-1 Mrs Boothroyd's Holiday Dancer. All the rest, 50-1 bar. That's all for now, join us again later for the race. Back to you Chris in the studio.

MORRIS: Alan, have you got a tip for us?

PARTRIDGE: I did have a tip - I was going to tip Union's Lad, but his horsebox was hit by a Volvo on the M3. Terrible mess, apparently he's dead. So bad luck there. Back to you, Chris. [To waving bystander] Stop it!

MORRIS: That's an incredible coincidence Alan, because last week Collately Sisters, you were involved in a car crash in which you were the only survivor. [Off-camera as Sisters appears:] Only because you landed in somebody's stomach.

SISTERS: And it was a rather cowy night for the pound, it stood at 3.79 against the German bordello, that's up .5 against the Portugese starling and down 100 against the bitch. Earlier there was confusion in the markets when France and Spain swapped their currencies, and trading remained succulent for the rest of the day. Thanks Chris. Here at home, from tomorrow the new Bank of England five pound note comes into circulation. The notes, which feature the head of Iggy Pop, can only be used once.

[Sisters slumps onto her desk. Morris is standing next to her. As he announces each upcoming item he walks toward camera, covering the same few feet of floor every time.]

MORRIS: Thanks, Collately. Coming up: Bosnian old woman-

[A shot of a Bosnian old woman.]

MORRIS: -controversy over new police shirts-

[A policeman holds up an Action Man-sized white shirt.]

POLICEMAN: It's blatantly too small. That wouldn't fit my daughter.

MORRIS: -and your opinions in 'Speak Your Brains'.

['Speak Your Brains']

MORRIS: Firing public servants. Do you approve?

MAN: I approve.

MORRIS: In all circumstances?

MAN: Er, yes, yes.

MORRIS: So once they've made a mistake?

MAN: No, give them one chance.

MORRIS: And then fire them.

MAN: Definitely, yes.

MORRIS: Heavily?

MAN: Heavily, yes.

MORRIS: And who would you fire them at?

MAN: Their governors.

MORRIS: So they've made a mistake, you'd line them up and fire them at their governors.

MAN: Definitely, yes.

[Back to the racetrack. Partridge is commentating on what he (and we) can see on the monitor.]

PARTRIDGE: Hello again, the 6.30 delayed due to a collapsed paddock, but they're sorting that out. Men and women here wandering about like ants on an anthill. Good to see Platitude Queen, a renowned... horse, well known for its sense of humour. Look at that wiggle, marvellous. [A distance marker appears on screen.] Don't know what that is. [More horses.] Two to look out for there, number 1, Zeinab Badawi's Twenty Hotels and number 3, Two Headed Sex Beast. [Bookies on the Tote appear, waving their arms around, as they do.] Great to see the deaf catered for by these real characters in anoraks. [Two kids playing about in the stands.] Couple of youngsters there fooling around, let's hope that toomfoolery doesn't escalate into blind, ugly violence. Let's face it, none of us want to see that. [Two women.] Two fat ladies, 88! Old bingo expression there. Although I'm sure that the two ladies there are not the kind of ladies that you'd find at the bingo hall. They're altogether a better class of lady. [A young woman having a snack.] Look at that, lovely girl there, chomping on a sandwich. Aaaah. [Something under a tarpaulin in a car park.] Not sure what that is, hope it's... ha ha, hope it's not a dead horse. They're not going to fit it in the back of a Volvo 340. Actually, I hope it isn't a dead horse. Sorry.

VOICEOVER: The Day Today - bagpiping fact into news!

MORRIS: The American actor Marlon Brando has been sold today in an auction at Sotheby's. Brando, who starred in films like 'Apocalypse Now' and 'Superman', was part of a collection of international works of art which attracted interest from all over the world. He was sold in the large wooden chair he has occupied for the last three years to the Vatican, at just under the expected price of two and a quarter million dollars. It's believed he will be installed in St Peter's later next month.

[Morris waves a hand imperiously in the direction of the next reporter, who is standing in a mockup of a dentist's office.]

ROMELLA BELX: Dentists. Time was when dental care was free. But now, rising costs are forcing people with sick mouths onto the streets. Last night, I went with a team to there.

BELX [V.O.]: Soaring costs have forced dentists to use telephone boxes as reception areas, and the back streets as their chair.

BELX: It's daylight here, and the streets look quite normal. But when night draws in, like a great dark thing, this area becomes the stalking ground for scores of dentists.

[An infra-red camera shows several dentists plying for trade under a bridge.]

BELX [V.O.]: Up to 150 practicioners can operate under this bridge in any one night. We saw seven of them, all after one mouth.

DENTIST: Just turn round, just pretend you're yawning and open your mouth. Right... probably a molar needs doing.

[A car pulls up at the side of the road. A woman in a white coat approaches and leans through the window.]

HAMBEL: Hi, do you need any dental work doing? Any fillings, hygiene, root canals? 25 quid. Done. [She gets into the car.]

BELX [V.O.]: For the past three years, Hambel has worked alone. Without equipment, or basic surfaces.

HAMBEL: I used to do a wet polish with my tongue, I used to blow on their faces to keep them cool, because there was no anaesthetic.

BELX: Without anaesthetic, it must have been hard to stop people screaming. How did you do that?

HAMBEL: I used to hold their throats with my hand.

BELX: Can you show me?

HAMBEL: What, on you? Well, I used to press their windpipe like that-

BELX [strained]: Uh-huh. Ugh!

BELX [V.O.]: Nighttime, with the police's undercover social unit.

[The police find a pile of bloody swabs on the pavement.]

COP: Kids play with one of these, they get big ideas. They see a swab, think 'Oh that's pretty cool', they all want to be Clint Eastwood. [Picks up a drill bit] Here we go, our old friend Mr Drill.

BELX: Now that doesn't look like a dental drill.

COP: It's not. There's two drills here, they're both masonry drills.

BELX: Can be sure that was used for dental treatment?

COP: Yeah, there's traces of enamel here.

[The cop discovers a dentist at work on a patient round a corner. A chase ensues.]

BELX [V.O.]: A back street dentist and his client. We chased and filmed at the same time. The dentist managed to escape on a nearby yacht, but the dentee was less fortunate.

BELX: Can I ask you how you feel?

DENTEE [blood streaming from his mouth]: Rather disorientated, obviously.

COP: Okay, what's wrong with the NHS?

DENTEE: I waited three weeks for an appointment!

COP: He's made a real mess of your face, you know that.

DENTEE: So I used an illegal dentist, I hardly think it's a criminal offence.

COP: Well, it *is* a criminal offence.

DENTEE: It's not! Is it?

BELX [V.O.]: The next night, our dentist was back at work.

[An infra-red camera picks out the dentist ripping someone's teeth out with pliers.]

BELX: Proof, if proof be need be, that it's going to take more than a big syringe to cure Britain's mouth.

VOICEOVER: The Day Today, aware that while the world looks round, it is in fact a cube. And from this we know that fact times importance equals... news!

MORRIS: Coming up, controversy over new police shirts-

[The policeman still has his tiny shirt.]

POLICEMAN: Obviously we are ready to comply with whatever changes are made if they're for the better, but this clearly is not going to work.

MORRIS: But first Alan Partridge for the delayed 6.30 at Marple. Alan, either you've just had a fight with a fire engine or it's raining its arse off out there!

[Partridge is pissed through - it's absolutely hammering down.]

PARTRIDGE: Hi Chris, as you can see no racing as yet, one or two problems with the weather. It's quite wet here, really is quite wet. It's horrible! Really awful. Back to you in the studio.

['Speak Your Brains']

VOICEOVER: Your complaints!

MORRIS: Hello, peasant.

MAN IN LEATHER JACKET [as if reading from a cue card]: How do you do.

MORRIS: If you could read out this complaint which you have just written?

MAN: I shall indeed.

MORRIS: Grasp the candle.

MAN: Sorry?

MORRIS: And bang on.

MAN: And bang on. [Starts reading] I would like to complain about the entirely slack monitoring of the shape of broadcasters' mouths. As a recruitment officer, I know it is a simple matter when appointing staff to filter out those with unusual or disgusting mouths at the interview stage. Yet our screens are plagued with the likes Gavin Estlar, whose mouth is not only so ill-governed it looks like it is trying to escape from his face, but is grotesquely lopsided. A balanced view from that? In a chimp's cock. Surely the time has come for the BBC to face up to this demoralising assault and sack anyone... [turns the page] ...whose mouth does not conform to a reasonable standard. Perhaps mine. Point at mouth. Regular, neat and I've had the stretch marks dealt with. Do it or I'll ram you up your own... fudge tunnels? Thank you.

[Back to the studio]

MORRIS: You ask anyone in the street what they think of Britain's public buildings and they'll probably look at you and say [pulls pazzer face] "What a load of old rubbish". That's why The Day Today has commissioned a special fly on the wall documentary series about every single one of them, starting this week with St Lamb's pool in Acton.

[The documentary is Quantelled out of one of Morris's ears, to show a public swimming pool. Caption: "The Pool - a day in the life of a swimming pool". A woman and her young son enter the reception area.]

WOMAN: Hi, can we have two, please? One adult and one child.

[The receptionist, an utterly-bored looking Essex Girl chewing gum, points to a home-made sign that reads "*Please* show leisure card on entry!" The woman shows her card.]

WOMAN: How much is that?

RECEPTIONIST: 85.

[The woman takes a pound coin from her purse. The receptionist holds up another sign that reads "We do *not* give change for phones".]

WOMAN: It's not for the phones, it's just for the pool.

[The receptionist points to yet another sign than says "Exact change only"]

WOMAN: I haven't got the exact money, it's only... look, just keep the change.

RECEPTIONIST: Nah, can't keep the change.

WOMAN: I... look, I haven't got the exact money, but it's only a pound.

RECEPTIONIST: Nah, I can't. Look, I don't have the authority to just give you 25 pence. I'd have too much money in the till. Nah, I can't do it, sorry.

WOMAN: Look, just give me two tickets, please!

RECEPTIONIST: Well, if you want to give me the pound I can keep it, but I can't let you in the pool.

[Inside the pool, an instructor is giving lessons to some schoolchildren. They are completely ignoring everything he says.]

INSTRUCTOR: Now line up along here, please... [They all jump in, screaming. He blows his whistle futilely.] Norbert, Michael, no ducking please. Stephanie! Stephanie! Leave her hair alone, I told you! All down this end! All down... all right, free swim, free swim.

[Back to reception.]

FRENCHMAN: One swimming, er swimming...

RECEPTIONIST: Sorry, I don't know what you're on about. [She holds up the "leisure card" sign.]

FRENCHMAN: Je ne comprends pas, ah, tres bien...

RECEPTIONIST: What?

FRENCHMAN: I, er, I go, ah...

RECEPTIONIST: You go what?

[The pool. The kids are running - er, swimming - wild.]

INSTRUCTOR: No! No, not the floats! No! Stop! Put them back, put them all back!

[Reception. A man in his trunks (who looks remarkably like Douglas Adams) steps up to the counter.]

MAN: Excuse me, I wonder if you could help me. I've just been for a swim and I just found I've lost my locker key, the ring thing. Do you have a spare I could use?

RECEPTIONIST: Nah, nah, we don't give out spares.

MAN: It's 207, the locker number.

RECEPTIONIST: Well, you'd better go and look for it.

MAN: Haven't you got a master key or something?

RECEPTIONIST: Look, I can't give you a master key, but it'll be in the bottom of the pool. Go and look for it.

[The man looks annoyed, but turns to head back to the pool. He then changes his mind and storms back to the counter.]

MAN: Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry, I've got to get back to the office, so if you'll just give me a master key-

RECEPTIONIST: I ain't got the authority to give you a master key. We need a £10 deposit.

MAN: Look, I can't give you a deposit, my money is in the locker with my clothes!

RECEPTIONIST: Nah, I can't help you.

MAN [shouting]: Give me the key!

RECEPTIONIST: I don't have the authority.

MAN: GIVE - ME - THE - KEY!

RECEPTIONIST: You'd better get off to your office.

[The man bangs his hand on the counter, then gives up and walks out onto the street in just his swimming trunks.]

[In the pool, the instructor is sitting miserably in a corner. Caption: "To be furthered".]

VOICEOVER: The Day Today - game warden to the events rhino.

MORRIS: Coming up later we'll be microtometercandyhell, but first a look at programmes later tonight on BBC2. And at ten past ten [the caption reads 10.00, BTW] it's Question Time, live from Wembley stadium.

PETER SISSONS [with stadium-sized reverb on his voice]: Let's hear from the questioner there...

MORRIS: That's Question Time tonight at ten past ten. On the panel, Virginia Bottomley, Tony Banks, Sir William Rees-Mogg and Nik Kershaw. And then at 11.15, it's The Day Today special, "Camfam". It's the Hall family of Lincoln who've agreed to have cameras implanted into their faces to give us a unique view of British family life.

[Each scene is shot from the POV of a different family member. When we see other family members, we can also see camera lenses poking out of their skulls.]

[Son's POV: playing in the front seat of the family car. He turns the key.]

[Father's POV: running towards the car.]

FATHER: Oscar! Oscar! What is the golden rule? Hello? What is the golden rule?

SON [Son's POV]: I dunno.

FATHER [Father's POV}: Yes you do, I'll tell you what the golden rule is - don't touch Daddy's car! Turn it off!

SON: Mum said I could.

FATHER: What do you mean Mum said you could, Mum said you could play in the car?

[Mother's POV as she runs toward the car as well.]

MOTHER: Roy! Roy!

FATHER: Did you say he could play in the car? Did you say he could touch the car?

MOTHER: No, I didn't.

SON: Yes you did!

FATHER: You little liar!

MOTHER: Roy, Roy, calm down!

FATHER: I am calm! Don't you-

[She slaps him. He grabs the son by the head and hauls him from the car. The POV switches between everybody every few frames to catch all the action.]

FATHER: Get out of the car! Get out of the car!

MOTHER: Roy, stop it!

[Son's POV as he flies through the air and lands face-first on the lawn.]

MORRIS: And after that, a Day Today information special from Conor Hammil!

[Conor Hammil is in the studio, holding a steering wheel in his hands. He pretends to drive.]

HAMMIL: Hey, you! Look at me! I'm driving my sports car. Going at 50, 60, 70! The wind's in my hair, 80! Oh look, there's a bend - who cares! 90! Get out of my way, you squares! I'm doing 100 because it's cool! Of course it's cool to drive fast! Just one question.

[The camera zooms in on Hammil's face with a screech of brakes.]

HAMMIL: Is this cool? [Holds up a picture of someone with a bandaged face] Is this cool? [Another picture] Is this cool? [You get the idea...] Is this cool? Is this cool? Is this cool? Is that cool? All these people - are they cool? [Rips open his shirt to reveal a huge operation scar printed on his T-shirt] Is this cool? [Goes over to a corpse on a slab] This guy - cool, is he? This guy - is he cool? [A man with a scarred face looks at his girlfriend, who turns away in disgust] This woman - [Hammil shoves her face-first through a pane of glass] - is she cool? So what about me? Do I look cool? [He throws himself under the front bumper of a 4x4] Well do I? Do I look cool, do I really look cool? Do I? Do I? Do I?

MORRIS: Yes or no? Find out tonight on BBC2! Coming up - 500 more uncles laid off in Derbyshire-

UNCLE: My nieces and nephews just called me into the lounge this morning and said "Sorry, but we're going to have to let you go".

MORRIS: -and controversy over new police shirts.

[The shrunken-shirted copper is still at it.]

POLICEMAN: We've been issued with these new shirts, and I and many of my fellow officers believe they're just too small.

MORRIS: A week of foul-tempered debate ended this afternoon as finance ministers agreed new quota rates with the United States. In Brussels is our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan - Peter, what is the new rate?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: It's 30 percent, Chris. Agreement was a long time coming, but in the end the decision was unanimous.

MORRIS: What was the Germans' reaction, because they've been holding out for 40 percent, haven't they?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: That's right. When I spoke to finance minister Reinhardt earlier today, he said he didn't like the deal, but he had to go along with it.

MORRIS: Really? You spoke to him youself, you managed to pin him down? He's a tricky man to deal with, isn't he?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Yes, that's right.

MORRIS: Where did you get hold of him?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: He was in the hotel.

MORRIS: And you conducted a conversation with him about the quota rates?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: That's right - he said he didn't like it, but he had to go along with it.

MORRIS: What language did you conduct this conversation in, Peter?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: ...German.

MORRIS: You spoke to him about the technicalities of the deal in German?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Yes.

MORRIS: So what's the German for 30 percent?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Trenter percenter.

MORRIS: Dreitzig procent? (I don't know any German beyond "Achtung!", so I'll have to spell them phonetically until someone can give me the correct spelling...)

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Yes.

MORRIS: And what about that quote you attributed to him, "I don't like it but I'll have to go along with it"?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: That's what he said.

MORRIS: How did he say it?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: I don't like it, but I'll have to go along with it.

MORRIS: In *German*, how did he say it?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Ich nichten lichten...

MORRIS: Presumably you mean "Ruffenze eine taxi bitterzurf, zeur pratif mein un flug". (or words to that effect...)

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Yes.

MORRIS: No you don't, Peter, because that means "Get me a taxi, I'm late for my plane!" Now I'm going to ask you a question - did you speak to the German finance minister about the new deal this afternoon?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: ...no.

MORRIS: And what was his reaction?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: I don't know.

MORRIS: Peter, thank you.

[Enviromation]

ROSIE MAY: Enviromation from me, Rosie May. The vast arm protruding from the South Pole is continuing to grow. All fingers on the hand have now fully emerged, along with sections of the wrist. An international conference will be held in the spring to discuss the arm, now over a mile in height. Another pasta slick has washed up in Devon, threatening gulls, terns and starfish. These birds were some of over a thousand found drenched in linguini on a beach near Exmouth today. Several basking sharks are also believed to have become clogged up. I'm Rosie May and I'm sitting on your sphere.

MORRIS: Back to today's races, Alan Partridge is at the, erm...

PARTRIDGE [speaking to someone off-camera]: It's his bed, let him lie in it. Let him lie in it! [To camera] I'm Alan Partridge, at here at Marple with me... just a quick look at the betting. Onion Terror 2-1 favourite, 7-4 Massive Bereavement, 100-30 Trust Me I'm A Stomach. All the rest, 3-1 bar. The 6.30 has a 50 minute delay due to a fist fight near the paddocks between two officials, one of them now hospitalised. I'm pleased to say I have with me the winner of the last race, come here, come here! Mickey Doolan, hello, how are you?

[Doolan is a jockey, and as such is naturally a bit on the small side.]

DOOLAN: I'm very well.

PARTRIDGE [avuncular]: Are you now? Now how do you feel about that race there, you won the race, the last race, how do you feel about that?

DOOLAN: Well, I'm very pleased to have won the race, it was a hard race, but I won it by a nose at the end so-

PARTRIDGE: Your mum and dad must be pleased. But how do they feel about you doing this? Shouldn't you be at school? Don't they think you must be missing out on schoolwork?

DOOLAN: Well I think I might be a little bit old for that now, I'm 33 years of age-

PARTRIDGE: What?

DOOLAN: That's right, I'm 33.

PARTRIDGE: *You're* 33?

DOOLAN: That's right.

PARTRIDGE: But I thought you... you look about 14!

DOOLAN: Thank you Alan, I'll take that as a compliment, you know?

PARTRIDGE: Are you really 33 years old?

DOOLAN: 33 years old, yes.

PARTRIDGE: My god! All the others, are they like... they're not children?

DOOLAN: Well, age varies from about 18 to 42, maybe a bit older-

PARTRIDGE: But you're so *small*!

DOOLAN: That's the idea. If I was any bigger, if I was your size, I wouldn't have won a race today.

PARTRIDGE: I see! That's why you never see people like Brian Blessed riding horses, it makes sense. Well thanks very much for talking to me, Mickey Doolan, Mickey Doolan here at Marple. Wuh! Raining.

VOICEOVER: News felch!

MORRIS: Music news now, from satellite channel Rok TV.

[This is one of the real tour de force sketches of The Day Today - not only is it a devastatingly accurate takeoff of MTV, but every part in it is played - totally convincingly - by Chris Morris himself!]

[Morris starts to blink his eyes in time to a rockin' theme tune. A clip appears of a man's brains exploding from his ears and forming the name of the channel.]

VOICEOVER: Rok TV, watched the world over by superstars like Elton John [a picture of Madonna appears], Noel Edmonds [Kenneth Brannagh] and Mick Hucknall [god knows, but he's ugly].

HARFYNN TEUPORT: Hi! I'm Harfynn Teuport.

[Shot of Teuport in an office as a bunch of people sing 'Wow! It's Harfynn Teuport!']

TEUPORT: Coming up soon is some more, but first Rok TV news, brought to you by Elastoplast, the faster plaster.

[Shot of someone tearing a large bandage off their forearm. Carved into their skin in a Richey Manic sort of way is the word 'News'.]

TEUPORT: The work of he's a singer Bob Dylan is to be reappraised following the discovery of a film which shows several of his songs, including the classic 'Subterranean Homesick Blues', being sung as long ago as 1947 by the singer-songwriter George Formby.

[Black and white newsreel clip of George Formby playing for some troops. He is indeed singing 'Subterranean Homesick Blues' in an out-take from his 1947 film 'Underpants', topping it off with a traditionally Formbyesque 'Hey-hey!']

TEUPORT: Dylan, who is in hospital after eating rotten wool, is currently unavailable for comment.

[Clip of a skeleton hanging from a light fitting as a Joy Division-style bassline plays in the background. A cheery voice says 'Hello! Ian Curtis here! I watch Rok TV every day.']

TEUPORT: That's the news where it's gone; time now for Sukie Bapswent with her special brand of things.

SUKIE BAPSWENT: Wacko! I'm Sukie Bapswent.

[Shot of Teuport making an approving 'hmm!' noise.]

BAPSWENT: Uh-oh, now go 'wow' for the latest sounds from Nirvana. They've been commissioned to do the music behind the latest Panty Smile sanitary products campaign. Okay boys, hit me with those ultra pants.

[Cut to an absolutely dead-on Nirvana parody with Morris as Kurt Cobain, intercut with a bunch of smiling women in white outfits brandishing cloddies.]

COBAIN (sings to the tune of 'Nevermind'): "Once a month, you become a slave/to a tidal wave, yeah/Body's little clock/could mess up your frock/But Panty Smile's a lovely thing/it absorbs everything..."

CHORUS: "You can wear them/in the high street/Body contoured/very discreet/And the comfort/you won't believe/'Cause the topsheet/is a dryweave, yeah!/Panty-Smile, Panty- Smile, Panty-Smile, Panty-Smiiillle..."

VOICEOVER: Panty Smile - a comfy pal who says never mind.

[Shot of an ostrich. A female Irish voice says "Hi! I'm Sinead O'Connor and I watch Rok TV."]

TEUPORT: American rapping now, and this American rapper Fur Q is in trouble over his new song, 'Uzi Lover'. During the stage version of the song in the live show, he killed five people on the stage during the stage show, live, as it's performed.

[Cut to scenes from the Fur Q video as Fur stomps around a derelict lot littered with chalk outlines of bodies. Every now and then he fires off a few rounds.]

FUR Q: "Cop! Bitch! Cop bitch motherfucker!"

CHORUS (to the tune of Phil Collins' 'Easy Lover'): "Uzi lover, she's an Uzi lover."

[Cut to Fur Q being interviewed in a hotel room. He sounds rather vacant.]

FUR Q: I set them on fire, with petroleum, and then after about half a minute, uh, I put a gun in each one's face and pulled the trigger.

[Cut to Rolling Stone reporter Derrin Zikks, looking pretentious with a silly beard and moustache and a pompous accent]

ZIKKS: The whole contrervesy is preperstrous, his chorus is obviously ironic.

[Back to the video]

FUR Q: "Uzi like a metal dick in my hand/magazine like a big testicle gland/bitch wanna try it/I said 'keep her quiet'/shove it up her motherfuckin' ass and fry it."

[The hotel room again]

FUR Q: You've got to kill people to have respect for people. Um, uh...

[The video]

FUR Q: "Uh-huh! I did the bitch in/as she lay twitchin'/I knew that she's an Uzi lover."

[The hotel]

FUR Q: You've got to kill some people, anyway, you can't kill everybody... uh, 'cause you wouldn't have anybody left to respect if you did.

[The video]

FUR Q: "He was grateful I shot his pain full/motherfuckin' pig was an Uzi lover."

TEUPORT: When he goes to England later this month, one of the people Fur Q will be doing the killing to is Radio 1 disk jockey Mark Goodier.

[Shot of Goodier in his studio, giving us a thumbs-up.]

[The video]

FUR Q: "Cop fuckin' bitch whore bitch cop fuckin' bitch cop bitch whore cop motherfucker. Uh-huh-huh-huh." (I might have missed a few obscenities there.)

[Goodier cheerily spins a platter.]

FUR Q: "Bitch."

[Shot of Cher singing live wearing that skimpy leather and fishnet leotard affair. The camera snap-zooms in on her crotch, then continues up into her vagina to reveal the Rok TV logo formed in red veins somewhere in her uterus. (In the video release of The Day Today, Cher was replaced by Madonna...)]

MORRIS: And just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines. 'Arafat ablaze in kerosene oyster hell', that's in the Telegraph, Today go with 'Peter Collins is not a man', the Catholic Herald, 'Eating turkey at Christmas is like nailing an egg to the cross says bishop' and the New Zealand Prendegast, 'Russia elects cobweb'. That's it, that's The Day Today on the day The Day Today asked the question 'are these the real Birmingham bombers?'

[Shot of six small children being led through a park in chains.]

Morris: Good night.

[Morris then proceeds to roll up his sleeve and inject himself with heroin as the credits roll.]

Transcribed by a Unknown Author, updated in Nov 2000 by Niall Mc Mullan