The Day Today - Episode 3

MORRIS: On The Day Today tonight, teenage boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly, Heseltine fading fast [shot of an old African woman], and headmaster suspended for using big-faced child as satellite dish. This is the neeeews!

OPENING TITLES

MORRIS [his head superimposed in the 'O' of The Day Today logo]: This is the neeeeews! Coming up - why can't I be king, pleads Patten-

CHRIS PATTEN: What is unreasonable about that proposal?

MORRIS: -and mad lord says it's not too late for Freddie Mercury.

A LORD: I'd recommend she went to her local benefit agency office, sought advice there, and I'm sure she'd find, as likely as not, that by getting hold of family credit she might find herself considerably better off.

MORRIS: News! London Underground say they may have to close the underground system due to an infestation of horses. A report described the conditions in the equine plague as "like an abattoir in a power cut". Ted Maul reports.

TED MAUL: For years, the system of tunnels and shafts has supported a small population of wild horses without bothering the commuters. The only pest control necessary was performed by the teams of 'fluffers', who to this day still remove clots of hair from the tracks. Then in 1970 came the 'crackers', special staff who had to patrol the darkened tunnels every day and kill the horses with hammers. Now, say officials, the horses have become a menace.

STATION ANNOUNCER: Due to a large pile of horses blocking the track at Marble Arch, all services have been cancelled.

MAUL: Many drivers have become heavily traumatised. Only one today could describe the conditions.

DRIVER: Loads of horses, at least 30 I'd say. As the train approaches they start running away from the train, stampede in the opposite direction, like.

MAUL: And what the drivers fear most of all is a head-on collision with a blind tube mare!

DRIVER: Well, it's instant death. Its head comes straight through the cab window, crushes you to death. Personally, I think the management should round them up. Get rid of them.

MORRIS: And in a statement issued just ten minutes ago, the Home Secretary announced that he personally will be going into the tunnels this weekend, armed with a special gun.

VOICEOVER: The Day Today - news from telly to belly!

MORRIS: Now from The Day Today travel tower a mile above the centre of Great Britain, here's Valerie Sinatra. [Morris suddenly turns smarmy.] Valerie, how's it all looking? Nice?

SINATRA: Well, a bucketload of mixed blessings for you down on the ground, Chris. Let's take a look first of all at the M18 - that's starting to clear now after that quiet stretch of the A49 was brought down from Stirling earlier on, so that's very good news. The M11 in the other hand is still very busy indeed, it's nose-to-tail coaches, cars, pedestrians, and if you take a close look you might just be able to make out a piece of pie down there on the road, that's not going to be helping anyone at all. You'll have heard on the news about the motorway pile-up this afternoon - the M6, M58, the M61 and the M56 all collided, so safer to avoid that altogether. Good news however on the A12, those earlier congestions have now all cleared, so you should have no problems at all if you want to go there and bathe a child. Finally, a warning to speeding motorists - police marksmen have now been stationed on all major roads in and out of London, that means anybody caught speeding can be shot in the chin, so best to avoid that too. Back to you, Chris.

MORRIS: Thanks Valerie, that was great.

SINATRA: Thanks a lot, take care.

MORRIS: You take care too, right? See you tomorrow?

SINATRA: I will, I hope so.

MORRIS: Okay, thanks.

SINATRA: Ciao, Chris. Bye!

MORRIS: Bye-bye. [Back to his normal grim self] The BBC has confirmed that it's ditching the Nine O'Clock News in favour of a new soap opera called 'The Bureau'. It's set in a 24 hour Bureau de Change, it started just 12 seconds ago on BBC1, so let's dip into it and see what all the fuss is about.

[Morris looks supiciously off to one side. 'The Bureau' comes on - a cheap soap opera shot entirely within the tiny confines of a Bureau de Change booth. Eldorado, anyone?]

MARIA: Hi, Alex.

[Alex is trying to kiss Angie through the glass. Maria is annoyed.]

ALEX: Uh, hi, Maria. Didn't see you there, I, uh, just popped in to see how you were.

MARIA [false whisper]: I don't want to talk to you now, I'll see you later!

ALEX: Well, that suits me just fine. [Leaves in a huff.]

MARIA: Nice colour you've got on your hair, Ange - what is it, chilli hot pepper?

ANGIE: Naw, just a bit of henna. You got a problem?

MARIA: No. [Pause] You bloody cow!

[Maria attacks Angie and grabs her by the throat. Guy The Gay Bloke moves in to break it up, along with Alex, who has reappeared from nowhere. Hennety enters - he's an Essex wideboy.]

HENNETY: Oi! What's goin' on 'ere? This is supposed to be a high class bureau de change, not some two-bit Punch and Judy show on the seafront at Margate!

GUY: It's all right, Mr Hennety, it's okay now. It's just a little misun-

HENNETY: Shut it!

GUY: Why?

HENNETY: Because.

GUY: Because I'm gay? Is that it? Go on, say it.

HENNETY: You're on borrowed time, sunshine. And as for you [points at Maria], you can pack your bags. You're aaaaht!

[Maria runs out of the bureau in tears. Hennety chuckles evilly.]

MORRIS: Alan. Sport.

PARTRIDGE: Thanks, Chris. Well, there was a very amusing incident on the golf course-

MORRIS: Sorry Alan, I'm going to have to interrupt you - we've just had news of a dramatic incident... the Queen and John Major have had a fight! It's believed to have happened during the Prime Minister's weekly meeting at Buckingham Palace. On the big screen now is our correspondent, Jennifer Gompertz.

GOMPERTZ [outside Buck House]: The Prime Minister's weekly meeting normally lasts an hour. But today, he was seen to leave hurriedly after just 17 minutes. It's clear that a strong disagreement took place, a disagreement that may have involved physical violence. Some palace staff say they heard loud swearing voices, and the sound of bodies falling against furniture. One says he saw Mr Major emerge with a red mark across his face and bleeding legs. Seconds after Mr Major's departure, the Queen's doctor arrived at speed and ran inside. Neither the Palace nor Downing Street have issued an official statement so far.

MORRIS: And just seconds ago we received this amateur video which indeed seems to show that the Queen and John Major were involved in some kind of drubbing incident.

[Camcorder footage shows the Queen and Major through the palace windows, laying into each other.]

MORRIS: And as a result of that broadcast, the crisis has deepend dramatically! I'm joined by our crisis correspondent, Spartacus Mills. Spartacus, this is huge history happening, isn't it?

MILLS: It's bigger than that, Chris, it's large. If you've got a history book at home, take it out, throw it in the bin - it's worthless. The history books will now have to be rewritten.

MORRIS: What will they say?

MILLS: They'll quite simply say "John Major punched the Queen". Everything else will be a footnote.

MORRIS: We're pushed for time - can you sum it up in a word?

MILLS: No.

MORRIS: A sound?

MILLS: Wooouuoaaaahhhh.

MORRIS: Spartacus, thank you. Alan. Sport.

PARTRIDGE: Thanks Chris. Well, as I said, it really was-

MORRIS: Shut it, Alan, I want you to stop. All programmes on all channels have now been suspended to allow the broadcast of this film, held in reserve for times of crisis.

NARRATOR: Britain is a nation built on the very scowling face of adversity, its dauntless spirit unbowed by any crisis. This is Britain at its best.

[The film is a Tory party political broadcast-type thing, full of patriotic images backed by the tune of 'Jerusalem'. The images include a Union Jack, a bulldog, the white cliffs of Dover, City gents playing and skipping outside the Bank of England, a policeman sharing a spliff with a black woman, an ambulance man kissing better an old woman, two women tossing a baby about, a country lane, town signs for Manford Thirty-sixborough and Wabsnazm, a man giving his car to a woman waiting at a bus stop, grieving relatives being cheered up by a man with a squirt flower in his buttonhole, and a man looking for a light and being surrounded by children with matches and lighters.]

NARRATOR: This is Britain, and in this glittering sea, this perfect fusion of man and mineral, we know that conflict will always perish in the brotherhood of flags.

[Two men are in the middle of a punch-up. One of them takes out a Union Jack, and the fight stops, both men hugging and strolling off together into the sunset, hand in hand.]

NARRATOR: This is Britain, and everyuthing's all right. Everything's all right. It's okay. It's fine.

MORRIS: During that film, we've been watching Number 10. There isn't much going on at the moment, but both sides have agreed a solution to the crisis, which will involve the Queen processing to Number 10 and returning several punches to Mr Major's face. That won't happen for a while now, so let's take the business with Collately Sisters. How many number 10s are there in your report?

SISTERS: Thanks, Chris. There was a big smell of fear in the City today when leisure conglomerate Bottington Fiasco fell ten percent-

MORRIS: There's one!

SISTERS: -at one, leaving the cup open for a hammer bid from Silica Fistfruit at 12. There were no dollars today. I'm Collately Sisters. Onto the money markets, a quick look at the currency kidney-

[The currency kidney represent the coins of various currencies as bodily organs, exchange rates flowing between them.]

SISTERS: -there's a lot of pressure there on the Bundesvessel, leading to a slight inflamation in the exchange tract, causing a negative flow of waste pounds across all international membranes. In summary then, seven's a bit younger. Chris.

MORRIS: Later tonight on BBC2, another probing interview in the dentist's chair. This week's guest is Richard Branson.

[Shot of Branson in a dental surgery, his mouth full of swabs and pipes. The dentist probes as he talks.]

DENTIST: You know, you're in the public eye quite a lot, but at home what are you? A private person, or do you prefer being a public person?

BRANSON: Agh haahgh gargle hargle aahhghgh.

DENTIST: Well, Richard Branson, thanks very much for coming in the dentist's chair. I'll just clean you up now.

MORRIS: And then at half past eight-

[A sequence of clips of footballer John Fashanu appear, backed by menacing music.]

ANNOUNCER: John Fashanu. John Fashanu. John Fashanu. John Fashanu. John Fashanu. John Fashanu.

MORRIS: That's John Fash-are-noo [pronounced totally incorrectly] tonight on BBC2. Coming up, the Queen marches on Downing Street, there she is in a cart, and whatever next in 'The Bureau', the soap opera that's got them all in a lather.

[Angie puts a pill in her mouth and collapses against the glass.]

MARIA: My god! Ange!

GUY: Pills! Someone call an ambulance!

MARIA: Don't bother - she's dead!

ALEX: There's a note.

HENNETY [reads]: "It's Hennety's fault." Look, I never thought I'd say this, right, but... pull down the blinds! I'm closing the bureau. For an hour.

MORRIS: A large build-up of air traffic over London has tonight jammed solid in the sky. Thousands of aircraft have ground to a halt in mid-air and may soon start falling like massive buses.

REPORTER: The airjam started about two o'clock this afternoon, bringing chaos to Heathrow and Gatwick, both airports, today. In an airjam, there's a 3-D gridlock in the air, and no way out. The planes just slow down and stop. It's been known for years that airjam could happen, but no emergency measures were ever made. The last- minute efforts of Transport Secretary John MacGregor this afternoon did little to help. [Shot of a man dressed as a clown entertaining kids] The irony is, that while these people lie around like the dead, those in the air will actually die and end up like the ratatouille which these people ate at the canteens which are responding to strong demand at the moment here.

MORRIS: Time now for our resident humourist Brandt, the physical cartoonist from the Daily Telegraph, to roast the hell out of everybody with his pomposity pistol. Mr Brandt, do something that'll make them, and I mean any politician watching this, feel really ashamed.

BRANDT: Thanks, Chris. This week, Bill Clinton has shown that, like Icarus, he can't stand the political heat.

[Brandt launches into another of his oh-so-biting cartoons. Wearing a pair of cardboard wings, he stands on a blue circle labelled 'choppy waters' and flaps his arms about under a cardboard sun marked 'the political heat'.]

MORRIS: America now, and this report.

WINTERGREEN: Milwaukee state penitentiary, and on Death Row it's wedding bells, not execution yells, as convicted strangler Chapman Baxter prepares to tie the knot with female felon Charlene Gray. Baxter goes to the chair tomorrow, but not before he weds Charlene, a convicted arsonist who set his heart on fire.

BAXTER: I ain't never loved nobody, nobody ever loved me. When I met Charlene it was like a bolt from the blue, we just fell in love, and I figured well why the hell not, why shouldn't I get married just like a real regular person?

[Shot of an electric chair - wide enough for two.]

BAXTER: We're not goin' up to an altar, we're just gonna get up there on a double 'lectric chair. When I put the ring on Charlene's finger that connects the circuit, and when we kiss that completes the circuit, and then you know what's gonna happen.

WINTERGREEN: Meanwhile, Baxter's fried-to-be is making the last minute preparations for her impending ending.

WINTERGREEN: Did you ever kill anyone?

GRAY: Only my dog.

WINTERGREEN: The preparations for the connubial killing will start at 11am, when Charlene Gray will walk down the aisle and straight into a sit-down reception. There's even a special cake for this wedding wake, but for minister Alvin Hollier it's the bride, not the cake, who'll end up with the most tiers.

HOLLIER: I thought, why's she want to do a goddamn thing like that for?

WINTERGREEN: Did you try to counsel the bride?

HOLLIER: Yes, ma'am. She sure pretty. [Redneck giggle]

WINTERGREEN: But not for long.

HOLLIER: No, ma'am. She gonna die like a dawg.

WINTERGREEN: It's the morning of the nuptocution, and everything's ready to give these newly-deads a sizzling send-off.

[Bride and groom walk down the aisle, and are strapped into the electric chair.]

HOLLIER: Place the ring on her finger... I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. Clear the area!

[Fzzap! Eeeeaaaargh!]

WINTERGREEN: So as Chapman Baxter leaves his bride jolted at the altar, this looks like one wedding where we all get to toast the happy couple. Barbara Wintergreen, CBN news, Milwaukee state penitentiary.

[Morris is drinking a glass of water, and grinning foolishly. For some reason, the graphic behind him for the weather shows a man firing an AK-47.]

MORRIS: Time now for the weather with Sylvester Stuart.

[This week, Stuart has had a map of the UK painted on his face. Tiny hands float about the map, pointing out areas of interest.]

STUART: Starting in the south-east where it should be dull and drizzly in the morning, a bit like waking up next to a corpse. In Wales, it should start nice but bits of old weather will drift back in the afternoon and the rain will bitch down. Things should improve in the north-east and the south-west, which will collide towards mid-afternoon, and there'll be loud thunderstorms in the evening, about the volume of a Thin Lizzy concert. In summary then, aaghh. [Stuart sticks out his tongue. On it is a label that says "Dry"] And that's all the weather.

MORRIS: Wise words there from Sylvester Stuart. Time now for sport with Alan Partridge - Alan, you're a bit of a word man, aren't you?

PARTRIDGE: I certainly am. I like words, where would we be without them? Help you when you're having a chat.

MORRIS: Do you feel them as they come out?

PARTRIDGE: Yep, certainly do.

MORRIS: What do they feel *like*, then?

PARTRIDGE: Weeuurgh, something like that.

MORRIS: Do long words feel different from short ones?

PARTRIDGE: Yes, they do.

MORRIS [getting aggressive]: What about significant words, what do they feel like? Alan!

[Morris turns to reveal that he's actually been talking to Partridge on a monitor, and the real Alan Partridge is sitting just behind him.]

PARTRIDGE: What?

MORRIS: What do significant words feel like?

PARTRIDGE: They, er...

MORRIS: Do they feel different?

PARTRIDGE: ...yes. I'm Alan Partridge-

MORRIS: 'Buttress' is a significant word, isn't it?

PARTRIDGE: Yes. This is sports desk. Football! The Liverpool versus Tanners match ended last night with defeat for the Tanners. I visited their dressing room.

[Partridge wanders blithely into the dressing room, totally oblivious to the fact that the team are in the middle of getting changed.]

PARTRIDGE: The atmosphere here hangs heavy, like a big smell. The smell of men together, the smell of cats' musk. Bob Mariner, you missed the penalty. Why?

MARINER: Yeah, Alan, it was a bad one. It took the top of my boot, it was all over in an instant.

PARTRIDGE: You looked really stupid.

MARINER: Yeah, yeah, it wasn't a good performance. I'm going to take a shower now, all right? Thank you.

[He heads for the showers. Partridge follows him.]

PARTRIDGE: Are you going to wash away the stain of defeat?

MARINER: Er, yeah, yeah. Get clean now, and look on to the rest of the season.

PARTRIDGE: But when you get home and go to bed with your wife, and she gets a look at your body and says "Bob, remove the stain", will you remove it?

MARINER: I'm not married, Alan.

PARTRIDGE: No?

[Naked footballers start to hurl abuse at him.]

PARTRIDGE: Yeah, yeah, shut up.

[Back to the studio.]

PARTRIDGE: On to show jumping, and I managed to catch up with the Australian dazzler Katrina Parfitt after this morning's big horse event.

[Another changing room. Parfitt is still in her riding gear.]

PARTRIDGE: Katrina, quick word, let me say you look fantastic on a horse.

PARFITT: Thank you very much.

PARTRIDGE: You're like the Lone Ranger on Tonto. How do you feel?

PARFITT: I feel disappointed, you know, I didn't make it this time, but that's the way it goes.

PARTRIDGE: I was personally gutted because I love those little touches you add - the way you turned, smiled at the judge, a little wave, a little wink...

PARFITT: Well, it doesn't go on looks and smiles, it goes on a lot of skill and discipline.

PARTRIDGE: I'm sure it does, but let me tell you if I'd been a judge, I'm sure I would have been a complete mess.

[Parfitt takes off her shirt, revealing her bra to Partridge. He suddenly starts to keep his gaze firmly fixed on her face, but can't help glancing downwards now and again.]

PARTRIDGE: What about the horse? How's that handling?

PARFITT: Well, Zedanzig wasn't doing too well, he shied away a bit from the water jump and that's when I really began to lose it.

PARTRIDGE: Well, let me tell you if you have any more problems with him... [Parfitt takes off her bra. Partridge goes a lot quieter] ...you can ride me round the paddock.

PARFITT: Thank you. Anyway, I think that next year I'll have better luck.

PARTRIDGE: When, when, when you, how do you ride a horse?

PARFITT: How do I...?

PARTRIDGE: How do you ride a horse?

PARFITT: I've been riding since about the age of five. I don't think it's anything you can learn, I just think it's in the blood.

[She puts on a shirt, to Partridge's relief/disappointment.]

PARTRIDGE: ...Zedanzig?

PARFITT: He's my horse. And I'll be back next year, and I shall win on him.

PARTRIDGE: You tell 'em.

PARFITT: Thank you.

She shakes hands with a sweating Partridge, and leaves.

PARTRIDGE: Katrina Parfitt. A lady.

VOICEOVER: A fact, alone and tumbling through infospace. Without help, it could vanish forever. Because only this- [The Day Today logo appears] -can make it a news.

MORRIS: Here with comments on some of the stuff we've just seen, our resident reactor, Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot, who's been commenting on everything since the start of the programme. Just sort of gets on with it as we go along. Let's dip into him now.

[Liverot is a goateed, Galloise-smoking Parisian intellectual.]

LIVEROT: If we could see politics, what would it look like? A cube. But with all its corners on the inside.

MORRIS: Back now to the constitutional crisis. The Queen processes to Downing Street today to punch John Major back in the face. Huge crowds are gathering there already - our reporter, down among it all, Jonathan Sizz.

SIZZ: Thank you very much. It really is a magnificent potato of a day here today. This is the route Princess Anne will be taking, she of course is the Queen's second, the Queen herself will be going down the Mall, around Admiralty Arch, through Trafalgar Square, and on down Whitehall itself to Number 10. I've been meeting some of the people here who've been getting terribly excited over the last 24 hours.

[Another vox pop section, a la 'Speak Your Brains'.]

SIZZ [Morris]: Good to see the Queen bouncing back today, wasn't it?

MAN: Indeed it was.

SIZZ: A good quality bounce?

MAN: Most certainly.

SIZZ: And do you think the Prime Minister's going to lose today?

MAN: I... I couldn't honestly say.

SIZZ: It's going to be a close one, isn't it, but is it quite right that the Queen should end up on top?

MAN: Yes, certainly.

SIZZ: If you were right there ready to administer on-the-spot justice to someone who had just punched the monarch in the face, what would you do to them if you were standing right there next to them, bang and so on?

MAN: Er, well, I would certainly attempt to smother the person, whoever it was, if somebody should attempt to assault the sovereign.

SIZZ: If you'd been there on the day, you would have smothered the man Major?

MAN: Yes, certainly.

SIZZ: With your own clothing ? [Morris raises his voice in a peculiar manner]

MAN: Yes.

SIZZ: Or anything else that came to hand, cloths...

MAN: Yes.

SIZZ: Blanket?

MAN: Yes.

SIZZ: Even a handkerchief?

MAN: Yes.

SIZZ: And what would you have said to him as you smothered him?

MAN: I wouldn't have said anything at all.

SIZZ: No words, just physical action.

MAN: Physical action, that's all that's called for.

SIZZ: Flatten the bugger.

MAN: That's right.

MORRIS: And while that was going on, it appears that the Queen took a secret tunnel straight into Number 10 and may already be inside.

REPORTER: This afternoon, opposition MPs turned up to weaken the Prime Minister - that was part of the deal too. Throughout the day he'd received a stream of collegues to use as sparring partners and tactical pain advisors, including Kenneth Clarke, Michael Howard, Christopher Biggins and Michael Heseltine. Mr Major then received strength from supporters and well-wishers, including pop star George Michael.

MORRIS: Our cameras have been rolling all the time - I'm told that if we turn the sound right up, we can hear Her Majesty's arrival and the solemn punching up.

[Shot of Number 10's windows. We can hear muffled punching noises.]

MORRIS: And to commemorate the end of the crisis, the Post Office has issued a special stamp featuring the Queen and John Major kissing.

LIVEROT: If democracy is a bra, then the monarchy are breasts, and we cannot imagine a society without breasts, helas...

MORRIS: And it's difficult not to feel humbled or even ashamed after that.

['Speak Your Brains'.]

VOICEOVER: Soul reversal!

MORRIS: We're looking today at soul reversal. Good or bad thing?

MAN: A good thing.

MORRIS: Would you like to see it happening more often?

MAN: Yes, I think so, yes.

MORRIS: If youuuu... is it the sort of thing you can feeeel, or does it happen slowly ? [The last word said in a very camp voice]

MAN: Slowly, slowly, definitely slowly.

MORRIS: Can you feel it beginning to happen or not?

MAN: Yes, you can.

MORRIS: And what's the sensation like as you experience soul reversal yourself?

MAN: Not very nice.

MORRIS: Would you like to see soul reversal more in crowded areas like football matches, or in [camp voice] quiet areas like churches churches churches?

MAN: Football matches.

MORRIS: Bit of soul reversal on football matches? On the players as well?

MAN: Yess... certainly for the players as well.

MORRIS: By what sort of degree would you like to see the souls reversed?

MAN: Er... all the way, I think.

MORRIS: Well, let's look at it like this. Could you hold the microphone for me for a second and I'll just show you... [Morris starts drawing on his clipboard] Taking a standard soul like that, and something to reverse it on like this, with 90, 180, 270 and 360, how much would you like to see it reversed by?

MAN: Half.

MORRIS: Like this? [He demonstrates by turning his clipboard around.]

MAN: Yes.

MORRIS: So you'd like to see this as the standard soul reversal for a football match?

MAN: Definitely, yeah.

VOICEOVER: The Day Today - approaches the buffet with an extremely broad plate.

MORRIS: And more from The Day Today's special germ-in-the-pipe documentary about St Lamb's pool in Acton.

['The Pool', continued from episode 2.]

KEITH MANDEMANT [very boring Brummie accent]: I'm the pool supervisor, the night supervisor - I basically watch the monitors at night to see if anything occurs. There was one incident, I remember it quite clearly, I was filling in a puzzle and I heard a noise, a commotion up in the rafters. Somehow, and it's never known to this day how, a pigeon had got in and was flapping about in the rafters. We called a bird specialist, who removed it in the morning.

[A dead cockroach is being poked around on the reception desk by the manager, who is apologising to a customer.]

MANAGER: I'm really sorry this has occurred, if you'd like to talk to Vicky afterwards, we do welcome you having a few free swims in the pool at our expense because it is very unfortunate, so if you'll just talk to Vicky...

CUSTOMER: Yeah, 'cause I think this violates the health and something code.

RECEPTIONIST: Don't worry, you'll get an early bird swim, all right?

[The two pool attendants start giggling. One of them makes duck noises.]

MANAGER: Just shut it, right, just cut it out now.

[The monitor room.]

MANDEMANT: I'm never tempted to use the pool myself at night, although some time ago I used to go down and take showers, and on one occasion I went down to the pool and found a woman's swimming costume, which I put on and paraded around singing a song, a Joan Baez protest song.

[Back to the impromptu staff meeting.]

MANAGER: This is procedural inaccuracy - what are we supposed to do when there's a roach in the pool? What are we supposed to shout?

ATTENDANT 1: Say "Mr Linus is in the pool".

MANAGER: And what did you shout? "Oh my god, there's a cockroach!"

ATTENDANT 2: Yeah, well it took me by surprise.

MANAGER: This is indicative of what's been going on all along.

RECEPTIONIST: Yeah, you two, just shut up, it's not funny.

MANAGER: Yes, it's not funny.

[The monitor room.]

MANDEMENT: This pool's been open nearly 40 years, and in that time I only slipped up once, to my mind. I was engaged in a particularly tricky word puzzle and 40 people broke in and were in the pool, playing around, ducking, bombing and doing all manner of prohibited activities, and eventually someone was killed.

INTERVIEWER: Given that your sole responsibility is to maintain the security of the pool, isn't that an indictment against yourself?

MANDEMENT: I would say this - I've been working here for 18 years, and in 1975 no-one died. In 1976, no-one died. In 1977, no-one died. In 1978, no-one died. In 1979, no-one died. In 1980... someone died. In 1981, no-one died. In 1982 there was the incident with the pigeon. In 1983, no-one died. In 1984, no-one died. In 1985, no-one died. In 1986... I mean, I could go on.

INTERVIEWER: No.

VOICEOVER: Ultra news!

MORRIS: Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines... Today, 'You could blow notes across the holes in his head says Sinatra doc', the Herald Tribune go with 'Boiled dog could do maths claims experimenter', the European, 'Elastic song strangles Hucknall', the Daily Telegraph and other broadsheets feature tabs down the sides for ease of turning the pages, and the Independent go with 'Portillo's face felt like guts says girl'. That's it, just to let you know that police are still looking for the actor Burt Reynolds after he stole a dodgem and drove it out of a fairground in Islington. The 59 year old actor escaped police after a low speed car chase, and was last seen heading north on the M11 near Saffron Walden. Good night.

[Morris takes off a wig, revealing long blonde hair underneath which he shakes out like a woman.]

Transcribed by a Unknown Author, updated in Nov 2000 by Niall Mc Mullan