The Day Today - Episode 4
MORRIS: The headlines tonight - NATO annulled after delegate swallows treaty, "I'm so sorry" yells exploding cleaner, and bearded cleric in oily chin insertion. Those are the headlines - god I wish they weren't.
OPENING TITLES
[Morris's face appears in the logo, stretched out to cover the space normally filled by the show's title.]
MORRIS: Top gits tonight - news presenter sacked for attempting to sell house to David Owen-
[Clip of a Newsnight presenter - not sure who, but it might be Kirsty Wark - talking to Dr Death himself on a monitor.]
PRESENTER: 75 thousand, would that be enough, do you think?
MORRIS: -and spiders will never speak, insists ambassador.
AMBASSADOR: I don't think so myself, I would be very surprised if they did it in public, and I should be equally surprised if they did it in private.
[Morris nods his head as if to say hello.]
MORRIS: There's growing evidence this evening that suspects held in police cells are being eaten by police. This report from Ted Maul has that story.
MAUL: Four men vanish overnight from a Reading police cell. The next detainee complains of a drain blocked with caked blood and pieces of fat on his floor. A drunk man in Cheltham is banged up for the night and has his arm punched full of holes. He says the police tried to fill his arm with garlic. Just part of an increasingly muscular body of evidence that, say activists, prove suspect eating is on the increase, and that the increase is getting rapid. [An impressive but meaningless CGI bar graph appears, with the y-axis labelled just 'evidence'] The best evidence of all is this - a 'Bow Street Bastard' [Shot of a truncheon with a nasty bit of curled metal at one end], a special truncheon used for beating suspects which tears out cubes of flesh small enough to fry. Activist Harkon Peddy says this is just one piece of evidence of suspect eating from a huge list in his head.
PEDDY [who has been talking under Maul's last line]: It's nonsense.
MAUL: Unexplained disappearances from police cells have doubled in the past year. Records show suspects are regularly weighed and smeared in oil. But police say this is just standard practice for young offenders. Campaigners are calling for immediate action. Without it, they say, thousands of suspects across the country could be eaten tonight by panicking policemen.
MORRIS: It's just been announ- [to someone off-camera] yeah, thanks. It's just been announced that there is to be a special enquiry into the government's handling of the Froom shipping deal which flew to pieces last month amid accusations of gross ministerial misconduct. Our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan, is with the Minister for Ships, Michael Crane. He's just prised him out of an emergency meeting.
[Morris turns to face a monitor on which is O'Hanraha-hanrahan. As he talks, Morris mutters away to himself.]
MORRIS: That's right, now watch everything I've just said come spewing back out of his stupid slab of a face.
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: I'm with the Minister for Ships, Michael Crane MP, who's just left an emergency meeting. Mr Crane - choppy waters for the government?
CRANE: Not at all, Peter. This procedure was entirely proper, and I think that the enquiry will prove that the government's handling of this affair was entirely proper.
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: So the government's ship back on course?
CRANE: Absolutely.
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Back to you, Chris.
MORRIS: Peter, what the hell was that? This man's made a big-scale cock-up here and you've let him get away with it! Now let me speak to him. Put your earpiece next to his head and stand still. Now minister, there's reason to believe you lied to the House. How do you answer that?
CRANE: Well that is a very serious and unfounded allegation, and I will be making a statement to the House based on the preliminary enquiry next week.
MORRIS: A week is a long time in politics.
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Rhab Butler.
MORRIS: Shut up, Peter. Now minister, did you or did you not lie to the House?
CRANE: I will be making a full statement to the House next week.
MORRIS: It's a simple question, yes or no? Did you or did you not lie?
CRANE: I, erm...
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: As the Minister for Ships sprawls on a pin, it's back to you, Chris.
MORRIS: No it isn't, Peter! He's about to answer the question! He's about to admit to lying to the House! [Crane hurries out of shot] You've let him get away again! Where's he gone?
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Over there.
MORRIS: Well, get him back!
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: He's in a cab.
MORRIS: Peter! You've lost the news! What are you going to say?
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Sorry.
MORRIS: Look like you mean it! Look down at the ground and say sorry.
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Sorry.
MORRIS: Peter, next time you cross the road, don't bother looking.
O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Sorry!
[Morris pulls a face like a goldfish for a moment.]
MORRIS: Travel now from Valerie Sinatra in her pod a mile above the centre of Great Britain. [Goes all smarmy again] Valerie, talk me some road.
SINATRA: Well, you're gagging for it Chris, so here goes.
MORRIS [quietly]: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
SINATRA: The M4 between Reading and London is still solid. That's due to a lorry driver having shed his skin across three lanes, so watch out for oily patches there. The M40 southbound still slow due to that earlier large accident. Police reckon they should have finished bagging and labelling everything by about midnight. Meanwhile, mobile vehicle crushers are in operation on Cardiff's red line routes, so if you're illegally parked there they will crush your car to the size of a satsuma and simply hand it back to you.
MORRIS: I love satsumas.
SINATRA: Well so do I, Chris, but I don't think I'd like to drive one.
MORRIS: Yeah, but I bet if you did you'd do it really well.
SINATRA: Finally, a look at the capital, which is London. Worse than usual, I'm afraid - lots of cars on Oxford Street being slowed down by their own lights. So I'm afraid your fast, speedy sports car no use to you at all tonight, Chris.
MORRIS: Thanks very much indeed Valerie, and I'm sure Alan would agree she's certainly one for a fast car.
PARTRIDGE: She certainly is, but I prefer something a little bit more comfortable myself.
SISTERS: Ah well, with me Alan, it's comfort *and* speed every time.
MAN IN GLASSES: A fast car's a safe car.
WINTERGREEN [on monitor]: Of course, in the States we drive a whole lot slower than you guys.
MAN IN SUIT: Actually, I think statistically, slower cars are a lot more dangerous.
MAN IN GLASSES: Yeah, but you can't be saying we should get rid of the speed limit.
MAN IN SUIT: Nononono...
[Everyone in the studio, at least 13 people, starts to argue vocally about motoring. Eventually...]
MORRIS: ...with Alan Partridge
PARTRIDGE: Thanks, Chris. And it's a special desk of sport this week as we look forward to all the sporting action that will take place in this year's 1994 World Cup finals in America, in Alan Partridge's World Cup Countdown to '94.
[A combined globe/football logo appears. Partridge's head glides past it, saying "Gooooooooooal".]
[Shot of a football match as a striker races up the field to the goal.]
PARTRIDGE: Yes... yes... yes... yes yes yes yesyesyeeeeesssssss! That was a goal.
PARTRIDGE'S HEAD: Gooooooooooal.
[A montage of various goals.]
PARTRIDGE: Striiiiker! Eat that! And another! Wham bam stick it in thank you and goodnight! Twat! That was liquid football! Shit! Did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine!
PARTRIDGE'S HEAD: Gooooooooooal.
PARTRIDGE: Well, it's going to be three weeks of non-stop action, and to help us along, and add a little bit of colour and fun to the proceedings, I've got with me a soccermeter. [He reveals a ludicrously complicated signpost affair, with swinging arms that point at matches painted on the studio floor] What's that, Alan? Well, I'll tell you - it's very simple. It's to explain the group system. Now first of all, all these long arms here, these long signposts, are the venues where the matches are being played. Dallas, San Francisco, Los Angeles and so on. If you look at me from above, you can see that this is the group system. It's 14 groups, A B C D E F G H I J K L M and, er, N, and there are four rounds. There's round one, the red round, yellow round, blue round and red round again. That's my colour coding, not FIFA's, you won't find that with FIFA, just with me. So that's the basis of it, and as you can see they get progressively less - *fewer* - as they get towards the centre, the ultimate goal being the World Cup. All right, let's take an example. Okay, round one, owww [he catches his tie (and mike) on one of the signs], is Pasedena, it takes place at Pasadena between Chile and Paraguay, something like that, okay, and then through to round two, let's say it's San Francisco, not got much time here, San Francisco, and that goes through to Orlando, so let's take it round to Orlando there... [An overhead shot of Partridge fumbling with the signs, unable to find the one he wants] Just move those out of the way... where's San Francisco? I can't find San Francisco, where is it? There it is, right. San Francisco, played Orlando, and then we're through to round three, Los Angeles. [He can't find the correct sign] It's not written on that side. It should be, but it's bloomin' not. And then, whoever wins what, er, the, er, wins is through to the final, the World Cup. Who's that going to be? [He shrugs his shoulders]
PARTRIDGE'S HEAD: Gooooooooooal.
PARTRIDGE: The proof is in the pudding, and the pudding, in this case, is a football. Boof! Eat my goal! The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt.
PARTRIDGE: I'm Alan Partridge, and that will be my World Cup '94, and you can come too. Join me.
MORRIS: Thanks Alan - more sport from you later?
PARTRIDGE: Absolutely Chris, with a bit of luck we'll have Sandy Lyle on the line-
[Morris has already lost interest.]
MORRIS: America now. If you have a baby in the States, you may well be in for a bit of a surprise when they 'yank' it out, hoho. Barbara Wintergreen reports.
[Morris's eyes morph from his head and expand into the news item.]
WINTERGREEN: San Spurto, California, where Americans keen to brood but too busy to breed pay for a prosthetic pregnancy. This is a natus, a plastic disk implanted inside the womb which expands to give the sensation of labour without being sentenced to children.
[A doctor and his patient watch an ultrasound scan of a natus in the womb. It looks like a sonographic version of Pacman.]
DOCTOR: There she is, can you see her at the top? Say hello.
PATIENT: Ohhh, hi, honey!
WINTERGREEN: The cervical substitute is the formica brainchild of doctors Bill McVitie and Mortimer Marcus.
MCVITIE: Isn't that extraordinary? Starts out like that and ends up like that. [He shows off two natii, small and large]
WINTERGREEN: Within the woman's body?
MCVITIE: Absolutely.
MARCUS: Comes out like this. Whoop!
WINTERGREEN: At this falopian factory, people come for a credit card conception. The price includes labour and delivery, and there's a hefty surcharge on the discharge.
[She holds up a fully-grown natus.]
WINTERGREEN: Among the thousands of parents forking out for this flexible foetus are Anton and Lally Sampson.
ANTON: We're gonna call him Todd, we've given him his own room, he's got his Bon Jovi posters, y'know, Sharon Stone, the Redsox.
WINTERGREEN: But divorcing Americans are causing courtroom chaos in custody battles for their beloved disk. And outside the Natus Institute, women's league protester Thea Peachman leads a womb vigil against synthetic sireing.
PEACHMAN: [Chanting] No means no, no, no!
WINTERGREEN: I believe you've been smashing natii, is that true?
PEACHMAN: Yeah, we have natii smashing by the side of the road to try and de-encourageize the women who come in here thinking that they want that thing in their womb when they do not. They can spend their money, but they should remember that they are women and they have a right to live and to breeeeeaaaathe!
MARCUS: That's the beauty of the whole natus thing. If a woman wants the pain, if she wants to scream, if she wants to bleed, she can. If, however, she just wants it to pop out like...
MCVITIE: A bar of soap?
MARCUS: Like a bar of soap, then she can have that option too.
WINTERGREEN: So, it looks like this is one reproduction line where plastic and placenta go hand in hand. Barbara Wintergreen, CBN news, in the Natus Institute of San Spurto, California.
VOICEOVER: The Day Today - because fact into doubt won't go.
MORRIS: And we've just heard- [he waves for the camera to zoom in; it does so] -that areas in three of Britain's cities are being evacuated due to suspect dogs. Police belive this could be the start of a mainland campaign of dogbombs threatened by the IRA last month. This report from Eugene Fraxby who's got the story with him reports.
FRAXBY: Oxford Street in London with three policemen and a knotted tape barrier. A stray dog was spotted here an hour ago and everybody ran out.
[Shot of an empty street, the camera waving about wildly and people shouting on the soundtrack. A caption says 'Reconstruction'.]
FRAXBY: Police then isolated the area containing the dog and told the public to clear off. Later they located it, and conducted a controlled explosion.
[There is an explosion in a shop doorway. Bits of dog and fur fly out. Policemen then emerge holding bags of guts.]
FRAXBY: But as the remains were being taken for laboratory tests, a second dog ran out from the crowd. It could have been a bomb - the police had no choice.
[An armed policeman starts blasting wildly into the crowd after the dog.]
FRAXBY: It was over in seconds - a dog and three people dead from guns. Being old, they would have died soon anyway, but the dog, which contained no explosives at all, was shot to ribbons in its prime.
[Shot of Fraxby standing next to a memorial to 'Spider', with a brass dog's head on a pole.]
FRAXBY: By six o'clock this evening a monument had been built, marking the end perhaps of the relationship between man and dog which today went from this [he holds up a toy dog and strokes it] to this [he pulls out a gun and shoots the dog in the head].
[A graphic appears of a policeman holding an aerosol can confronting a suspect dog.]
MORRIS: The only way police can neutralise bombdogs is to spray them with a resin coating which hardens instantly to contain any explosion. The inside of the bombdog is obviously destroyed, but the outside stays the same shape. However, if the underside is not covered, a highly directional blast launches the animal vertically to a height of over a thousand feet.
MORRIS: Coming up - new explosive suss laws mean any domestic dog is now a potential hazard-
[A policeman finds a dog tied to a lamppost. He examines it, then pulls out a gun and blows it away.]
MORRIS: -and an eyewitness who was caught up in more bombdog chaos.
EYEWITNESS: One policeman I saw particularly went "Noooooo!" [he acts everything out in movie-style slow motion, first drawing an imaginary gun from a shoulder holster, cocking it and taking aim] "Moooooove!" [Shoots] "Boom! Boom!" One guy, I don't know whether he was involved or not, was running away - [acts out two bullets exploding from his chest] "Uuuuurrrghhhh!" - and then he caught him one more time between the eyes, it was horrible. ["Boof!" as the guy's head explodes. The witness falls to the ground in slow motion, then gets up again] That was as much as I saw, really.
MORRIS: Seven more dogs have gone off in the last ten minutes. Eugene Fraxby.
FRAXBY: Four hounds exploded in central London without warning [a dog explodes] within yards of government buildings. The Prime Minister put on a brave face, but for many, like Tory whip Peter Goodwright, the time for calm words is over.
GOODWRIGHT: An absolute fucking [a nearby explosion *almost* obscures this word] disgrace. These inhuman shit-for-souls cocksuckers [another bang] have no place here. In my considered opinion, they are cunts! [Boom!]
FRAXBY: Journalist David Mellor added little of interest, and for junior Health Minister Paul Mann, words alone could not express his anger. [Mann strides down Downing Street, slamming his fist down on a car bonnet as he goes] Police are on the alert again this evening, and have cordoned off a man in Piccadilly. It's believed he may have eaten a suspect dog last night, and could now go off himself.
MORRIS: Sinn Fein have so far denied they are backing the campaign. Earlier today I spoke to their deputy leader, Rory O'Connor, who under broadcasting restrictions must inhale helium to subtract credibility from his statements.
MORRIS: So what's your initial statement?
O'CONNOR [sucking on helium and hence quacking like a duck]: These incidents are inevitable given the position of the British government.
MORRIS: You do support this campaign, then?
O'CONNOR: The IRA have been forced into this position.
MORRIS: So you do support this campaign of violence?
[O'Connor takes another quick suck.]
O'CONNOR: The IRA- [Realises he hasn't inhaled enough, and tries again to get his voice back up to pitch] Sinn Fein is a legitimate political party.
MORRIS: Which supports terrorist actions!
O'CONNOR: Your tone is antagonistic and you're making me angry! [He sounds about as threatening as a weeble...]
MORRIS: Since we conducted that interview, all sides in the conflict have had a meeting and have sorted everything out.
VOICEOVER: The Day Today is now available in these fine locations.
[Parody of those godawful CNN adverts with lists of hotels that have satellite dishes. Various TDT presenters are projected, hundreds of feet high, onto the various locations.]
VOICEOVER: The night sky over Paris, the international Hackenbacker building in Chicago, the wall of Cheops' pyramid at Giza and the handles of 400 million petrol pumps across the globe.
MORRIS: The huge success of the BBC's new soap opera 'The Bureau' has now spread to Italy.
[A repeat of the first episode of 'The Bureau', from TDT 3, only dubbed into Italian and thus even more over-emotional than before.]
MORRIS: They've got a daytime discussion show over there devoted entirely to it. It's called 'Bella Bureau', and its stars are the wagging tongues of hosts Carmena Zo and Porcamina McRae.
[The hostesses wibble on in Italian (sort of - there seem to be some drug names mixed in there...), offering a running commentary on the show.]
MORRIS: So much for the EuroBureau; meanwhile, back here in Britain, the nation holds its breath tonight for the 2000th edition.
[Another high-quality episode. Guy staggers in, covered in blood.]
ANGIE: Guy! Quick, get him into the bureau de change!
ALEX: What happened? Who did this to you?
GUY: I dunno.
ALEX: I'll get them. I'll get these evil-doers!
GUY: No, Alex. Violence solves nothing. Why did they do this to me? Just because I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay...
[Hennety enters.]
HENNETY: What!
MARIA: It's Guy, Mr Hennety. He's been attacked!
HENNETY: Yeah, I know. What did you say?
GUY: I said I'm gay.
HENNETY: You're fired.
MARIA: I'm warning you, Jack Hennety. If Guy goes, we all go.
HENNETY: Oh yeah?
ALL: Yeah. Yeah!
HENNETY: Go on then, walk! The lot of you, walk! I've got people queueing up to work inside this bureau de change.
ANGIE: Right. Right, I'm going. [She leaves.]
ALEX: Me too. And I don't even work here! [He leaves. Maria tries to leave, but Hennety grabs her.]
HENNETY: Yeah, go on, you go and all. Just you remember what you said!
[Maria turns around. Her mascara has run halfway down her face in just a few seconds.]
HENNETY: Maria! Mariaaaaaa!
[A quick vox pop with a Christian man in a park.]
MAN: I would see myself as an individual human being, needing salvation, receiving it through the work of Jesus Christ.
MORRIS: Do you find The Day Today comes into this at all?
MAN: Well how can it not? It is day today.
MORRIS: Every day The Day Today?
MAN: Every day, day today, yes.
MORRIS: For you?
MAN: Yes.
MORRIS: With a bit of luck for all these people?
MAN: That's what one prays for, what one would like to see.
MORRIS: You would like to see The Day Today for all these people today?
MAN: Er...
MORRIS: If your prayer was answered?
MAN: They should each enter into an experience of personal salvation.
MORRIS: Which would include The Day Today?
MAN: Well, how could it not? I don't know what kind of salvation you could be talking about that wouldn't include The Day Today.
[Got him!]
['Enviromation']
MAY: Enviromation from me, Rosie May. An international ban on the hunting of waves has finally been introduced. Waves have been used for centuries to pull cars in small countries, but are now facing extinction. Over a million specially farmed waves are to be released into the wild this winter. Man has finally harnessed the cooling power of worms to drive a fridge. The worms inhabit an internal piping system, cooling everything as they go. Putting in more worms lowers the temperature. Worms. I'm Rosie May. My milk is green - come drink me.
[Morris is looking sidelong at the camera. The graphic behind him - three government ministers - reads "Their idea".]
MORRIS: Tomorrow, the Home Office release a series of videos designed to help young people with everyday problems. They're produced in association with The Day Today, and this is the first.
[Cut to a horribly dated cross between 'Network 7' and 'Why Don't You' clip. The title, "Sorted", is spelt out by stop-motion animated household products. The presenters are a government department's idea of typical teenagers - ie, posh kids pretending to be 'street'.]
TEENAGERS ["singing"]: Sorted! Sorted! Sorted, yeah! Sorted! Sorted!
GRAHAM: Hello, I'm Graham!
CRISPIN: And I'm Crispin!
GRAHAM: And today we're going to tell you how to deal with a relative who's just died in your house. Come on! [They enter the house] Oh look. Dad's dead. Hello dad! Are you dead? [He punches the corpse in the bollocks]
CRISPIN: Right then. What you'll need is some vinegar, an oven glove, two ping-pong balls, Frish, books, some butcher's grass.
GRAHAM: Superglue, some bungee, a salad spinner, a chisel.
SOUNDTRACK SINGER: One chilled chisel and a packet of Frish, please!
GRAHAM: First, enbalming.
CRISPIN: A cup of vinegar... [he pours it over the corpse]
GRAHAM: Boot polish on the wrists...
CRISPIN: And inject the corpse thoroughly with Frish.
GRAHAM: Now he's ready for the coffin!
BOTH: But don't forget... wash your hands!
[A quick clip of someone washing their hands to soothing music is followed by the lads tipping the corpse into a drawer.]
SOUNDTRACK: It's the end of your dad as you know him!
[The garden.]
CRISPIN: Now he's unburied...
[They pull the butcher's grass over the body.]
GRAHAM: Now he's not!
CRISPIN: Lever up a nearby paving stone...
GRAHAM: Scratch on the name...
[He scrapes the word "DAD" onto the slab, then inserts a small 'e' between the first two letters.]
GRAHAM: Now make way for the priest!
[Crispin produces a glove puppet made from the oven glove and ping-pong balls.]
GRAHAM: Now everything's okay, stick your chisel into your salad spinner...
CRISPIN: Plunge it into the mound... flowers!
[Someone throws a weedy plant at him. He sticks it in the salad spinner.]
BOTH: Sorted!
CRISPIN: Unless of course you're a muslim.
[They dance around slapping their heads.]
BOTH: Muslim! Muslim! Yeah!
MORRIS: Now with the rest of the day's news, Chris. Thanks. It's eight o'clock, this is The Day Today. [A dancer appears behind him, to enact the news stories. The usual music acquires some bizarre stings and dramatic effects.] The Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi has plunged southern Europe into crisis by kidnapping Crete and towing it to a secret location off the Libyan coast. Crowds in Tripoli welcomed the news, a delighted Gadaffi waving like a girl. Libyan tugs stole Crete at two o'clock this morning. At first the natives, aided by strong winds, were able to haul it halfway back, but then they lost grip. The island was towed to the North African coast and hidden under water. The Lincolnshire village of Vladny is tonight recovering from a gravity quake during which the Earth's pull was reversed for seven minutes, sending everything not secured onto the ground over a mile into the air. The quake struck at 4.30 this afternoon. These pictures were taken by Paul Cork, who had his Polaroid with him when he fell up into the roof of a shed. This man survived by clinging onto a boot scraper. Others were not so lucky.
MAN: I was playing football with my cousin in the garden there, and he jumped up to catch the ball and just kept going.
MORRIS: His cousin later rained back onto the ground along with 4000 other villagers. The American space shuttle Endeavour 4 sets off tonight on its special stunt mission. Once in orbit it will hurtle towards a NASA space ramp, fly off the end and leap over a line of 12 other shuttles. It will then return to Earth tomorrow afternoon at half past three!
[The music ends with a blast on a Hammond organ.]
MORRIS: It's time now for our resident humourist Brandt, the physical cartoonist from the Daily Telegraph, to bloody the noses of the great and good. Mr B - make us smile about the bad things in the world.
BRANDT: This week I've been looking east, where Chris Patten, like King Kong, has made a monkey of himself over Hong Kong.
[Brandt, wearing a badge that says "King (Hong) Kong", climbs onto a cardboard cutout of the "British Empire State Building". Biplanes labelled "The Chinese" and "1997" dangle around him. He flails about and goes "Woooaaaarrr" as usual.]
LIVEROT: An old man stands naked in front of a mirror eating soup. He is a fool.
MORRIS: Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot. A brilliant man, and a surprisingly nice one too. Now, it's easy to tell if somebody's dead. But how can you tell if you're dead? Some people have lived to tell the tale. In a short film we've made.
[X Files-type music. Caption: "Some people have described having out of body experiences when near to death"]
MORRIS: Lucy Turner-Warwick is a boxing trainer in High Wycombe. She had a near death experience when in a coma induced by a pupil.
TURNER-WARWICK: I learnt later that I had actually died, my heart had stopped for, I don't know, a few seconds. I could see a tunnel, and at the end of that tunnel a very very bright light. I was aware of a figure standing at the end where the light was - she led me into an open-plan office, and at the back was a little separate office and she beckoned me toward it, and on the door it said 'God'. And there was a man, a very nice, friendly man, in a suit, with grey hair, and I sat down and we chatted for a bit. He was very jokey and jolly, and I remember he had a little sign behind his head and it said, you know, it was one of those "you don't have to be mad to work here but it helps" or something, and I thought, well, he's obviously got a sense of humour. Anyway we talked, and then he pointed to another man in a suit, with a beard, and said "That's my son", and I looked back at God and he laughed and said it was a family firm. It was all very friendly, but all very boring.
CHANTICLIER GUARDSLEY: I'm afraid that all of these people who talk about out of body experiences are just congenital liars.
MORRIS: Chanticlier Guardsley is professor of psychosociology at University College, London. He is a sceptic.
GUARDSLEY: We have a whole catalogue of examples of hospitals actually manufacturing out of body experiences, whereby they attach patients to wires and actually lift them up towards the ceiling, thereby creating in the patient a feeling of literally lifting out of their bodies.
MORRIS: In laboratory experiments, scientists artificially created near-death experiences in mice. They fired hungry mice against a wall with a specially calibrated gun. Food was placed on a shelf above the comatose mice. If they had a soul, it would leave the mouse's body, float upwards, and eat. The results show that afterward, the mice felt that they had just eaten. [The 'results' are calculated by putting the mice on a table with circles marked 'Yes' and 'No' in answer to the question 'Recently fed?', and seeing which one they go to...] More proof was provided by the out of body experience of Lesley Sourfrat.
SOURFRAT: I could actually see myself coming out of my mouth as vomit, but it wasn't just like *as* vomit, it was like vomit in a dress. And then I woke up and I was a woman. I went into my experience as a man, but left it as a woman. Something definitely happened, but I don't know what.
[Guardsley's study.]
MORRIS: So how do you explain the case of Keith Philips, who returned from his out of body experience as a woman?
GUARDSLEY: He didn't.
MORRIS: But we filmed it this afternoon, there's an awful lot of evidence to show what happened.
GUARDSLEY: No there isn't.
[Back to Turner-Warwick.]
MORRIS: Do you believe in God?
TURNER-WARWICK: Oh yes. And I liked him, I like him... I love him... but I don't want to go and work for him. Not yet.
[The studio.]
LIVEROT: An optimist sees half a pint of milk, he says "It is half full". A pessimist sees half a pint of milk, he says "It is half empty". I see half a pint of milk, I say "It is sour".
MORRIS: No time for anything but the weather, a lot of snow around. Pretty grim out there, isn't it, Sylvester?
[Stuart's disembodied head is floating above the desk next to Morris.]
STUART: Yes Chris, most of Britain will be waking up tomorrow to a carpet of white dung.
MORRIS: Thanks, mate. And that's it, no time left for the headlines, that's The Day Today, nine o'clock BBC2 tomorrow night we'll start again. Until then, thanks very much for watching, it just remains for me to wish you a very good night. [Morris keeps prattling away to himself as the credits roll.] Join us again tomorrow night for a full resume of the day's events, the sport, the business, the weather, and the very latest changes in the world of politics. Same time, nine o'clock, tomorrow evening on BBC2. That's The Day Today, keeping you abreast of the very latest changes in local, national and international news; we're prepared to break the flow of the programme if necessary to accomodate newly breaking events, often live-packaged by field reporters on the hoof, those who know that news is paramount, and only the most recently-hatched news egg has any price at all. That's The Day Today... [He is drowned out by the music] ...and football matches.
Transcribed by a Unknown Author, updated in Nov 2000 by Niall Mc Mullan