The Day Today - Episode 6

MORRIS: The headlines tonight - fist-headed man destroys church, car drives past window in town and Leicester man wins right to eat sister. Now fact me 'til I fart!

OPENING TITLES

MORRIS [his face mapped over the globe in the logo]: Coming up as stories in the programme - peace talks collapse as Serbs strap 400 monkeys to the back of Owen's Volvo-

DAVID OWEN: That does make it harder to reverse.

MORRIS: -and 'leave us alone' say men from Saturn.

AN ODD-LOOKING MP: We want to go about our daily routines as far as is at all possible.

[Each beat of the intro music is accompanied by a two-frame shot of the presenters in the studio. Alan Partridge looks perturbed by the rapid cuts.]

MORRIS: Buckingham Palace has announced that over 40 members of royal staff have been destroyed to save money. The 43 workers learned of their fate after church on Sunday. They met the Queen and were told they would be slaughtered with scythes. That evening, they were herded into a Sandringham attic and culled in less than ten minutes. It's not known who conducted the killings, but Princess Margaret is believed to have been involved. She was overheard yesterday saying 'You should have seen the looks on their faces: I laughed and laughed and laughed'.

MORRIS: Conditions on board the train stuck on the line for two days in Hampshire have deteriorated dramatically. There are fears now for the lives and sanity of those on board. Ted Maul has that story reporting.

[Shot of reporters standing behind a police line in a field. A stationary train is visible in the distance. The caption reads 'Ted Maul is about to speak'.]

MAUL: At first the concern was for the commuters, stuck on a train because a signal got jammed by a dead bird. But when farmer Peter Yates took them sandwiches this afternoon, the situation changed dramatically. Two commuters jumped him like raptors and threw him aboard. A few minutes later he managed to get off the train and tried to escape, but was lassoed by a man with a rope and pulped! A little over an hour after that, a naked Mr Yates appeared briefly for the last time, trying to haul himself out of a window. But it was a naff effort. Most ominiously, this evening the commuters were seen struggling with a sack containing an object that was obviously as heavy as a human body, and then throwing some kind of weird ritual.

[Torch-wielding commuters dance madly around the sack.]

MAUL: Many here fear the worst - that Mr Yates has been killed and sacrificed by a group of ordinary men and women who less than two days ago were content to sit opposite each other in silence, yet today beat their chests and yelled like savages. Moments ago, we intercepted the sound of the guard trying to radio for help.

[Maul holds up a tape recorder and plays it.]

GUARD: Get these people - there's a woman - yyyaaaaaaarrghhhh!

MORRIS: Time now for sport with Alan Partridge. Alan, I've got to say that that soccer commentary was brilliant last night.

PARTRIDGE: Thank you!

MORRIS: It really was. I mean, I'm not very interested in soccer but I was totally absorbed and entertained by the whole thing. Great! Take a bit of extra time if you want. Do as much as you like on this, I'll be enjoying this too.

PARTRIDGE: Tonight, we're going to look at self defence.

MORRIS: Brilliant!

PARTRIDGE: Now, self defence is no longer the preserve of hard men like Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin. More and more these days we all need to know how to get a bit handy. Anyone who's been on public transport late at night will know that there are a lot of disturbed individuals out there. One minute they could be babbling incoherently, the next they could be going for your person. What do you do? Well, this week is national self defence week, so who better to tell us than one of Britain's best-loved judo fighting people, commonwealth silver medallist Adam Neils. Adam.

NEILS: Hi.

PARTRIDGE: Now, self defence is not about simply punching someone repeatedly in the face until they're unconscious, is it?

NEILS: No, it's exactly what it says, self defence, defending yourself with the minimum of force.

PARTRIDGE: Weaponry?

NEILS: No, just your body, that's all.

PARTRIDGE: Snooker ball in a sock?

NEILS: No, we teach people how to deal with that, but...

PARTRIDGE: What do you call those things, the two sticks with the chain between them?

NEILS: Nunchukas.

PARTRIDGE: Yeah, I like those. Now, can we actually see some of the basics? Can you talk me through?

NEILS: Right... Tanya? [A woman comes over] Well, we teach people to deal with anything from a sort of general invasion of body space through to a specific act of aggression.

PARTRIDGE: So, if I was to go like this-

[He reaches for Tanya's neck. She instantly grabs his thumbs and forces him to the floor, then puts him in a headlock.]

PARTRIDGE: No, hey, no! Aaargh! [Choking] I can't breathe!

NEILS: She's now taken control away from you...

PARTRIDGE: I can't breathe! I cannot breathe!

[She releases him. Partridge gets up and gasps for air.]

NEILS: Sorry. She's wrested control away from you and has overcome you. The aggression has been turned against you.

PARTRIDGE [duck voice]: What happened if someone attacked you from behind?

NEILS: Well, if you were to attack me from behind-

[He moves to demonstrate.]

PARTRIDGE: No!

NEILS: Right. Well, I could throw you, I could use an elbow block against you, or I could shock you, immobilise you by just twisting the skin-

[Tanya makes a leap for Partridge, who puts up his fists.]

PARTRIDGE: Gerroff! Chris!

MORRIS: The American car company General Motors have today announced a cut in their workforce at their plant in Detroit. Our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is there at the moment. Peter, what's going on?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Chris, it's a mass redundancy measure, it's the biggest layoff in American industrial history. 35,000 jobs in one fell swoop. Gone!

MORRIS: 35 *thousand*?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Yes.

MORRIS: Peter, there's only 25,000 people at the plant!

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: That's right Chris, mass redundancy on an unprecedented scale.

MORRIS: Would you mind telling me how the plant can function on minus 10,000 workers?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: I don't know Chris, you tell me.

MORRIS: I'll tell you what, Peter, you mean 35 *hundred* workers have been sacked.

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: No, 35,000, it's all here. [He holds up his notes]

MORRIS: Let me see what you've got down there!

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: Er, 35 hundred, you were right, I made a mistake.

MORRIS: Peter, I want to see it. I don't want to hear anything more out of your mouth, I don't believe it. Now show me your notes.

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: No.

MORRIS: Yes!

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: It's 35 hundred.

MORRIS: Show me, I don't believe what you're saying. I just want to see the numbers.

[O'Hanraha-hanrahan brings his notes in view of the camera for a moment.]

MORRIS: Hold them up and keep them up!

[The back of the notes appear.]

MORRIS: And rotate them 180 degrees in my favour! Do it!

[O'Hanraha-hanrahan shame-facedly does so. The notes are scruffy and covered with doodles.]

MORRIS: What's that?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: I don't have a monitor, Chris, I can't see-

MORRIS: You know what I'm talking about, it's just above your right eye. Yes.

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: A cobweb.

MORRIS: And how's a cobweb going to dig you out of your numerical mess?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: I don't know.

MORRIS: Peter, you're lying in a news grave. Do you know what's written on your headstone?

O'HANRAHA-HANRAHAN: News.

MORRIS: Peter, thank you. [Morris turns back to the camera and smiles] Peter O'Hanraha- hanrahan, live in Detroit.

LIVEROT: What is a gay?

MORRIS: Now back to the stuck train, where one of the commuters, now no more than a bunch of wild savages, has given himself up. Here's Ted Maul.

MAUL: All afternoon, aggressive volleys of rubbish thwarted attempts to get the train moving again. Barricaded into his engine, the driver has constantly to defend himself with tools. In a rare lull - perhaps the commuters were sleeping or praying to some new god - one of them left the train. Gerard Hawt, a civil aviation engineer, had broken free from the train of hell, but it had left its mark.

[A screaming Hawt struggles with police.]

MAUL: The man was in no state to give an interview, but it was possible to extract the following information. The commuters are split into two factions, one led by a woman believed to be an insurance broker from Staines - they wear blue ink on their heads - and a smaller group who worship fire. They rallied round a grease-monkey from Acton. With the signal here still jammed by the dead bird, there's only one hope now - that a police marksman can shoot it out, giving the driver a slim chance of making it to Liverpool Street before he's torn to pieces.

MORRIS: Time for travel now from Valerie Sinatra in the travel pod a mile above the centre of Great Britain. [Smarm on!] Valerie - tell me about everything!

SINATRA: [Giggles] Well, I don't know about everything, Chris...

MORRIS: I could teach you.

SINATRA: I do know that it's best to avoid the A1(M) this evening south of Newcastle. There's a crash that's been going on for several weeks and so far it's involved 9000 vehicles, so that's really deathsville. Good news for drivers however on the M25 - workers have finished cobbling that, so that's great. The M6 in Liverpool is still at a standstill, that's due to the mad cow hanging from a bridge. The M50 is clogged up again - that's not my fault - and the M11 is slow between junctions 5 and 6 due to some police escorting some birds to the coast. That's about it really.

MORRIS: It looks like a Robertsons factory down there.

SINATRA: Sorry?

MORRIS: All the jam.

SINATRA: [Laughing] That's right! Golly.

MORRIS: Gay desk now, from Colin Poppshed.

POPPSHED: Thanks, Chris. Quick roundup of today's gayness, starting with the roads. The M70, the A3, the B664 and the A48(M), they're all gay as of midnight tonight. The gay elements are potassium, zinc, hydrogen, copper and argon. Quick look at the world's walls - the Wailing Wall is gay, Hadrian's Wall is very gay, the Great Wall Of China, that's not gay, and the Old London Wall has also stopped being gay. Gay cars next, they're the same as last night - all Volkswagens registered between 1982 and 1985, they stay gay for another fortnight. And finally, the gay seas are the Caspian and the Mediterranean, so see you there. Chris.

MORRIS: Thanks, Colin. He's not gay, by the way - we wouldn't employ a homosexual. Offices! We all know what they're like - [weedy voice] 'Can I borrow a stapler, please?' But many are now undergoing radical restructuring through the work of Lester Beck of Events International. His latest operation was on the offices and people of Clubrox Pharmaceuticals in Windsor.

[A busy office scene.]

REPORTER: Anton Ponn is Clubrox's office manager. He and his sales staff are about to become part of a unique experiment in management training. An experiment they will never forget, and from which one of them will never physically recover.

[Caption: "The Office: Journey Through Hell". The office staff are sitting, being addressed by Beck, a loud American.]

BECK: So what we must do is construct a raft, and onto the raft we will put ourselves.

REPORTER: Beck is the author of a radical management system known as 'disassemblage'. The disassemblage procedure relies on dismantling each employee's emotional makeup, then reassembling it in a different order.

BECK: What are we? Are we human? Are we fully human, or are we not human? What does it mean to be not human? We need to be human. Hmm? So, let's get it into the present, huh? Let's kick some ass into life!

REPORTER: The team convene at 6am on the first day, and are immediately disassembled.

BECK: Do you know that you often say 'er' instead of speaking? Did you know that?

PONN: No.

BECK: Has everyone else noticed this about Anthony?

ALL: Yes.

BECK: Every time you say 'er', we're going to remind you that you're saying 'er' by going 'er' as well. Okay? Don't take it personally.

PONN: I, er-

ALL: Er!

PONN: I'm the, er-

ALL: Er!

PONN: I'm the office manager, er-

ALL: Er!

PONN [getting angry]: I'm responsible for the, er-

ALL: Er!

PONN: For the, I, I'm responsible for, er-

ALL: Er!

PONN [yells]: All right! Stop it! Stop it!

BECK: Good! [Fade to later] I want you all to give a gift to Christine, and the gift is the truth of who she is to you. John.

JOHN: You dress like an old lady and you've got a stupid face.

BECK: Good. Hit Christine. [John slaps her] Christine, say thank you.

CHRISTINE: Thank you.

BECK: Lisa.

LISA: You're hairy, and you're lonely, and you've got a-

BECK: Just two will do.

LISA: You're hairy and you're lonely.

BECK: Hit Christine. Good. Anthony.

PONN: You've got no sense of humour and you're always there.

BECK: Christine, hit Anthony.

PONN: Ow!

BECK: Good!

[A newsagents.]

REPORTER: Beck takes the team out into the field to test purchasing techniques.

BECK: Okay, what we're going to do is buy a newspaper, and this is where we're going to get what we want. John!

JOHN: Hello, my name's John, and I'd like a Today newspaper please. 25? Is that the right change? Thank you very much.

BECK: Good! Anthony!

PONN: Can I just ask, is it-

BECK: Buy a paper, Anthony!

PONN: One thing, though-

BECK: Buy a paper!

PONN: I've already bought one, you see, and I don't know if I should buy the same one or, er-

BECK: That's not important for the exercise! Er!

ALL: Er!

PONN: Can I have, er-

ALL: Er!

PONN: Please stop it!

ALL: Er!

PONN: I, I-

BECK: Buy a paper! Buy some candy, I don't care!

PONN: The Mirror! I've got it! I've got the Mirror! [Ponn runs out of the shop, waving his newspaper.]

MORRIS: Coming up, Clinton welcomed home after machine-gunning 400 buffalo, and the seige on the stuck train has ended. A police marksman shot the dead bird out of the signal an 7 o'clock this evening, and the train, which had been stuck on the line for 57 hours, full of commuters going berzerk, pulled off in a cloud of burnt diesel. By the time they arrived in London, most of the commuters had put their clothes back on and wiped off the blood.

MORRIS: More cuts in the NHS have been announced today. Here with a resume of its 30 year decline, Pheeona Haahlahm.

HAAHLAHM: Few people would deny that were it one of its own patients, the NHS would be on the critical list. What was once the healthy bouncing boy-child of Ernest Bevan is now barely more than a disease-wracked breathless corpse. But why?

[She reaches into the guts of a mock-up human body and pulls out a blood-soaked jelly pound sign.]

HAAHLAHM: In 1979, funding for the NHS stood at over 10 billion pounds. But by 1987, government cuts left the service with 37% less cash. [She throws the first pound away with a wet splat and extracts a second, smaller one] So that's only 3% in real terms. [She throws the second pound away and pulls out a gore-soaked card with '3%' written on it] So what in the end will happen to this? [She removes a blood-laden model hospital bed from the body's innards] Chris.

MORRIS: Thank you, Pheeona. I'm joined by the junior Minister for Health in our one- to-one discussion area, Matthew Krean. Now Mr Krean, you've taken the money out of the NHS, you're the man responsible here, what do you say?

KREAN: I want to say that I want to discuss this report.

MORRIS: Well, let's not discuss this report, let's discuss the figures.

KREAN: No, we have to discuss the report, because this report is a tissue of lies! It is, as usual-

MORRIS: Hang on a second, let's just stick to the figures, shall we? You're destroying the lives of patients, what do you say about that?

KREAN: No, I want to stick to this report! This report is a tissue of lies, it's completely jaundiced-

MORRIS: What are you saying? Lies?

KREAN: Absolute lies! It's nonsense from beginning to end!

MORRIS: How dare you say this!

KREAN: I think this report is a perfect example of tabloid television-

MORRIS: I'm not going to listen to this. I'm not putting up with this, I'm off.

[He tears off his microphone and storms off, muttering to himself. A stunned Krean is left looking bemused as the set is dismantled around him.]

VOICEOVER: The Day Today - bagpiping fact into news!

MAY: Enviromation from me, Rosie May. The war raging between two nations of crabs in the Bay of Biscay has claimed more human lives. Last night, a Portugese trawler was dragged underwater by the turbulence of a massive battle between over 400 million crabs fighting for territory on the ocean floor. Blinking! In England, over 700 million hours a year are spent blinking. That's why a Leeds firm has built a special light which switches itself off for the duration of each blink. The device is also triggered by other activities which don't require light, such as sleeping and breathing. I'm Rosie May and the world is at my teat.

MORRIS: Staying now with the world, but it's the human world this time, which is around the animal world and sometimes on top of it, making politics and events rather than environment stuff, with The Day Today international news roundup! Moscoooow!

RUSSIAN REPORTER: Hello, Chris. Here in Moscow, it's Russia's chronic nuclear waste problem that's dominating the news live this hour. The latest plan is to hand out small parcels of plutonium waste to schoolchildren. Nuclear experts visit schools and the children are taught songs celebrating the efficiency of atomic power.

[A song is shown with subtitles.]

SONG: The reactor core is splendid, it gives us light to read. Each sub-atomic particle is a friend indeed.

RUSSIAN REPORTER: At the end of the day, the children queue up for their plutonium which comes in a bag, bearing the instruction 'take this home and deal with it'.

MORRIS: To-kyyy-ooo!

JAPANESE REPORTER: Thanking you, live from Tokyo, where it's 3.30 in the morning. That's minus 7 in new Japanese time! In just seven hours, the first of 30 full-size duplicate Japans will be switched on, and all clocks will be reset to 0000000. The new Japans have been three years in construction, involving perfect replication of cities and people and children. The raft of new countries, which extends over 5000 miles into the Pacific, has been hidden until now, but was spotted yesterday from an aeroplane. Japan has so far refused to comment.

MORRIS: Roooooooome!

ITALIAN REPORTER: Live thanks from Rome, where the two French boys who hacked into the Vatican computer and changed Catholic doctrine are still being held by cardinals in Assissi. In a sensational development today, a video showing Stefan and Jed Mandrot bruised but alive, was broadcast on Italian television with Vatican approval. The boys were snatched from the street two days ago and held in a turret after admitting they had tapped into the new Vatican theology bank, a computer which contains the full doctrine and law of the Catholic church. The Vatican realised the computer had been tampered with when they discovered Jesus had died of food poisoning aged 19, and Lou Reed had been canonised as a saint. And that's the way the world is today from Rome.

JAPANESE REPORTER: From Tokyo.

RUSSIAN REPORTER: And from Moscow.

ALL: Goodbye. Chris.

MORRIS: Wrong! All of you! Because Collately Sisters is doing the business, not me.

SISTERS: Thanks, Chris. And there was a big whoop of dismay in the city today, Chris, when Troublefinch Duskyholdings chopped off an eighth at 2.4 after a disappointing gutter surge tomorrow. Chris. The Central Numerical Council issued the new seven today. It'll be three kilos heavier than the old seven, and made of glass. Chris. Collately Sisters. Spackhandy Choptubes up four, but let's see how the pound did today with a quick look at the Currency Susan. And as you can see it started off today quite healthily as a medium Susan, while the yen surged to a quite attractive popular Susan by the close of trading, with the mark resting on a plain, dumpy Susan with bad ears. Chris. Summary. Business. Chris.

['Speak Your Brains']

VOICEOVER: Your complaints!

BALD MAN [obviously reading off a card and without a clue what he's saying]: This is my complaint, right. TV is the most unkinnin', unhappenin', unsucceded piece o' sheet in the hood right now. You gotta get it, totally disculture. More in the area see, I'm talkin'. More ragga, more boggle, more death metal and Belgian house. You hear me. Less get TV banging, mud der far cuss.

LIVEROT: When I drive my car, I am not driving - I am participating in a conspiracy called traffic. I will walk.

MORRIS: Time now for the weather with Sylvester Stuart on the weather pinball. [He pulls a lever. Stuart's head starts to zoom around a pinball table with a map of Britain on it.]

STUART: Starting tonight in the southwest, where it should rain in drops the size of a wrestler. But fortunately, most of the rain there not quite reaching the ground. On now to Scotland and the north of England, quite warm, about the temperature of a cow. However, a very stupid area of low pressure from the Midlands will bring some heavy breezes later on, a bit like the first rush of euphoria induced by a large dose of heroin. On to the northeast, there'll be some heavy thunder there, about as loud as a woman. The summary then, cool showers wet cool showers wet cool showers wet cool showers wet.

MORRIS: Time now for Alan Partridge - got some sport for us?

PARTRIDGE: Certainly have, Chris.

MORRIS: Great.

[He leans down and gives Partridge a big wet kiss on the lips. Partridge looks utterly appalled.]

PARTRIDGE: And just some late night soccer results here...

[An animated graphic of a football player gobs the results onto the camera.]

PARTRIDGE: Division two. Sheffield Bonanza 1, Dynamo Abadair 4. Manchester Coherent 2, Jill Morrell 2. And the Scottish division one game between Taste of Dunfermline and Strathcarnage cannot be stopped. Good night.

['Speak Your Brains']

VOICEOVER: Your complaints!

OLD MAN [reading from a card, like the previous victim]: This is my complaint, right. TV is the most unkinking unhappening unsussed piece o' sheet in the hood right now.

MORRIS: Look at the lens, please.

OLD MAN: Oh, sorry. You gotta get it. Totally discounture. More in the area see, I'm, talking more rugger, more boogle, more death. Mental, and...

MORRIS: Death metal.

OLD MAN: Death metal and Belgian house. You hear me. Let's get TV banging, mud far... mud der far cuss.

MORRIS: And look at the camera again and nod your head as you say that.

OLD MAN: Mudder farcuss.

MORRIS: And say that last bit again once more into the camera.

OLD MAN: Mutherfarkers.

MORRIS: Thank you sir.

[The studio. Morris is looking at the wrong camera.]

MORRIS: Back now to The Day Today documentary on the efforts of Lester Beck to revamp the offices and people of Clubrox Chemicals in Windsor.

REPORTER: Day three, and Lester Beck places a powerful new variable in the office environment.

BECK: If we released a live pig into the office, how would you be able to cope? Lisa?

LISA: What, the pig that's... our anger?

BECK: No, a pig, a real pig. What would happen? Would you be able to cope? Let's see. Please release the pig! Release the pig, please!

[Someone in the next room pushes a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig into the office. It starts to blunder about.]

CHRISTINE: Oh no, it's a pig! It's a pig!

PONN: In my office!

BECK: Okay, this is Snorkle. Say hello to Snorkle the pig.

PONN: Who said you could do this!?!

BECK: It's standard practice at Events International to intertextualise by-

PONN: This is my office! This is my office!

JOHN: Get a knife, let's kill it! Kill it!

PONN: This is my office!

CHRISTINE: Anthony, stop shouting! Shhh!

LISA: It might have a baby!

CHRISTINE: It will if you keep shouting.

BECK: Listen to Christine, she's speaking sense here-

CHRISTINE: And you stop shouting. Can we just put some paper down and keep it happy. Come on, pig.

[The pig wanders towards them. Lisa gibbers and runs away. The phone rings.]

BECK: You see the pig doesn't care about you, but you care about the pig.

PONN [to phone]: Hello? Well, we're a bit tied up at the moment. Can it wait?

BECK: Tell them about the pig.

PONN: Well, we've got, er, something happening-

ALL: Er!

PONN: I'm so sorry, we've got a pig in the office. Yes, it is a real one.

REPORTER: Meanwhile in training sessions, one employee, John Histons, questions Beck's techniques.

JOHN: Let me ask you a question. When you go to the toilet, do you have an Armitage Shanks interface defecation scenario, or do you just have a shit?

[There is a long silence.]

BECK: Mommy's gone, and you want to cry like a baby.

JOHN: You- [He breaks down in tears]

BECK: That's good, John! Help him onto the carpet. [The others put him on the floor] John? John? I want you to imagine that the carpet is your mother. Beat up on your mom who left you!

[John starts to pound the carpet with his fists.]

LISA: Get it out John, get it out!

CHRISTINE: Don't cheat on yourself, John, hit it, hit it! Imagine it's your mother! Hit it, kick it, go on!

JOHN: Why did you go away? [He starts to lay into the floor]

BECK: She left you, John, she didn't understand that you were suffering and it's taken you 25 years to get over it, but you're doing it now, John. That's good, beat up on the carpet!

CHRISTINE: Don't give up, John, that's good! She's taken the best years of my life-

[Christine starts to hit the carpet as well.]

BECK: Christine, don't get too excited.

[Fade to some time later. The office is now a lot more efficient and tidy. John is noticeably absent.]

PONN: Okay, let's look at next week, please.

REPORTER: Three months later, the office at Clubrox has been rationalised.

PONN: Tell him to ring back in five, please. Now, the Egham account?

CHRISTINE: I'll do it on the same day as Comprayton, all right?

PONN: Excellent. Lisa, now the dry calling in the Windsor area was very weak last week. If you can really push it next week that would be excellent, okay?

LISA: Yes, I can.

PONN: Brilliant.

[A butcher's shop.]

REPORTER: For John Histons, the training course was his last memory of the company. He left shortly after it to follow a new direction.

[John is sawing up a side of beef.]

JOHN: Well I was very surprised that I ended up in a butcher's, but the office, it wasn't really me, you know? But here I know exactly what to do. I like meat, I like working with meat, I'm happy with it. In a way I respect it more than people.

REPORTER: How would you react if you saw Lester Beck again?

JOHN: Oh, I'd stab him.

VOICEOVER: The Day Today - news felch!

MORRIS: And just time for a quick look at tomorrow's, er... the Independent, 'Bank of England recovers from swollen chairman unusualness', the Telegraph go with 'Simon Rattle lost in cress', the Daily Mail pretty keen on 'Lassoed bat wins Booker', they devote four pages to that, the Daily Mirror rather upset, 'Fleetwood Mac buried in dog avalanche' and Today ride with 'Old woman killed by little glass planet', that's a story there by Andrew Penman. Due to a printing error tomorrow's Guardian is full of water. That's it, that's The Day Today on the day the world learned that Cliff Richard is pregnant. Good night.

[Morris lies down in front of his desk in the shape of a cross.]

Transcribed by a Unknown Author, updated in Nov 2000 by Niall Mc Mullan